I feel so alone all the time, its killing me. Its  like i look around and see all these things going on and i just feel so distant from them. Im turning 18 and graduating next week, yet i feel no excitement whatsoever. Ive been going through so much lately, mentally and physically its really wearing me down. I dont know how to cope with any of this because i have no one to talk to. if i tell my best friend, she will just worry, if i tell my mom, she will worry. i cant worry about someone else worrying for me. it sounds stupid i know but i just cant take it. I just really want to be able to talk to someone.
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You’re coming into a realization. That we are born , live and die completely alone, -regardless of what we share. Learn to enjoy your own company. Meeting people to distract you is easy, for most people. The fear and solitude you feel now. I would say, embrace. And remember there are far worse things than simply being on ‘one’s own’ -a thing which none of us really are, -which just feel that way bc that is our existential reality/
I dont mind being alone most of the time, but its the fact that im not alone that is killing me. that im surrounded by people constantly and that i still have no one to actually talk to. i cant talk to them about this, not about how it really is, and that is what is getting to me. that i can talk all i want, just not about how i am really feeling inside.
That tends to happen when you’re really stressed. It’s called “depersonalization”. You detach yourself from the current stressful situation so that you can deal with it later under easier circumstances. It’s a defense mechanism, really, to keep you from freaking the fuck out. (pardon my language)
I would try, though, opening up to your friend or your mom. Before you talk to them you may feel like you don’t want them to worry about you or whatever, but sometimes just having a real, breathing, thinking human being take the time to listen to you is all you need to open the cap on that bottled up stress and you will probably feel a lot better after.
And back when I was in therapy my psych said something that kind of hurt at first but helped me realize that opening up doesn’t hurt other people. I told her I couldn’t afford to have people worrying about me I’d feel bad about it and it’d make me worse. I told her I didn’t want to burden others. This is what she said:
“Not to be mean, sweetie, but don’t think your burdens are so important and so heavy that someone’s WHOLE day will be ruined because you opened up to them. Everyone’s got crap to deal with, and if the person you’re opening up to is a normal, functioning human being, they’re going to listen to you, feel empathetic and maybe sympathetic towards you, they’re going to deal with it, and then they’re going to put that on a shelf because they know how to cope. Worry about yourself first; then you can worry about other people.”
I am still working on putting this into practice, but I’ve gotten a lot better and it does make a difference.
I understand where youre coming from with this, and ill try it, its just that the things i want to talk about, are things i dont want them to know about me. because although my best friend knows everything about me, including the depression side, she doesnt know about this aspect that is really getting to me. she doesnt know that i am battling with who i am as a person, and honestly im ashamed to admit it to her.
when there is something I want to express, but don’t want to disclose to others, I sometimes talk to myself in a mirror, or make private vlogs saying whatever I want, not holding anything back. Its quite fun. Maybe it will give you the confidence to tell others once you clarify it with yourself.