It’s Been One Year Tonight

yes, I survived, It’s been one year tonight since the paramedics revived me, I was dead for nearly 5 minutes, spent several in a coma –  most days I wish they hadn’t revived me, my life has gone into a worse spiral since. I’m more alone now than ever and the process a year ago has left many distant and detached… but I survived, I struggle daily to stay positive, forcing smiles, false hope – but it always seems to be futile. I wonder if it really is all worth it, major depression, a neuro-muscular disorder, and an inoperable brain tumor – got lot’s of great things to look forward to, yet I know there are folks dealing with a lot worse, though it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes it’s just too much. Sure I survived- but existing isn’t living. I’m a middle aged man staring at a void with a career and a life that vanished with my illness, the love of my life walked away from me unable to deal with the illness, sure I survived. I keep telling myself that, but at what cost?… now uninsured, yet I survived and that’s about it, I’m here… So should I celebrate that? I’m here alone, even now –  I survived… for now.