I’m a 42 year old woman and I have battled depression all of my life.  I have three serious failed suicide attempts that landed me in ICU.  I’m suffering from a clinical depression and I’m on four anti-depressants that are not giving me any relief.  I’m such a burden on my family that I don’t want to live anymore.  My mom has been with me for 12 weeks and is going back home in a couple of days.  I had to move back in with my ex-husband because I could not take care of myself.  I stopped eating because I had no appetite.  I feel guilty because I have two kids but I’m causing them more harm than good being in this depressive state.  I’m really not interested in anyone trying to talk me out of it because I hear it all the time from my therapist and psychiatrist.  I barely have the energy to bath, get dressed or even go outside.  I’ve isolated myself from all friends and I had to take a leave of absence from work.  I have a lot of people that love me and are pulling for me but the depression is not subsiding.  I guess I want to know if there is anyone else out there in the same boat.  I’d like to hear from you!
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Yep. Well, similar boat. I’m 48, and, symptomatically, I’m not quite as bad as you describe. I’ve never made a serious attempt, but that’s largely because my plan is to use two shotguns, one to each eye. I don’t think that sort of thing lands you in the emergency room so much as in the morgue. But I know from previous pseudo-attempts (used to live in a high-rise with a deck and tried to get myself to jump…first leg over the rail hard, second leg impossible) that overcoming my fucking in-built self-preservation reflex is going to be HARD.
I’ve also got a good family pulling for me, though no children, and I’ve pretty much given up on shrinks. I’ve been through at least 20 different pills, and, with the exception of a few bad drug reactions, they’ve done nothing for me. Also, I’m still able to work, but my output is horrible, and I know I’m just dead weight around here.
The real killer for me is how my life has stood still for the last 12 years. Never had the energy to date, buy a house, clean my apartment, do what needs doing at work, etc. It’s just a daily cycle of the same shit, over and over. Christ.
Dallas – Thank you for sharing. Yes the built-in-self preservation reflex is incredible and I’ve been there so many times. Last month I tried using a rope to complete a slow suspension hanging and just as I was about to black out, I pulled the rope off then sat there mad that I didn’t go all the way through with it and I was so dang close. I wish I could give you the “suicide is not the answer” speech but I can’t. Whatever happens with you…good luck my friend.
I really feel for what you are going through. I think you need to start believing that you can and will overcome this and you are not a burden to anybody. the people in your life love you and just want to see you get better and you will. I believe you will pull through this.
Try and make a list of goals to improve your situation an then take little steps to meet those goals.
Forget about the past and dnt worry about the distant future just take little steps each day for the now to get things where you need them to be. adopt a positive mindset and believe things can get better they can and will
Uptown234 – Thank you so much for the words of inspiration but I am completely miserable, the anti-depressants aren’t working and it’s taking a toll on my family. My 15-year daughter said she is sick and tired of this depression and she’s frustrated. To be honest, I don’t want to die but I want the pain to end. I get tired of people asking me how I’m feeling and I continuously have to give them updates that I’m still not doing well. I get anxiety every time I get a phone call or a text because I’m not better. I’m completely mentally exhausted and hopeless. You would think I would understand the fact the depression will eventually go away since this is my 4th bout of major depression. This time around I’ve tried everything. Checked myself into a psychiatric hospital and it was awful because there were people in there with all kinds of mental problems including drugs and alcohol addiction. I also enrolled in a daily partial hospitalization program for two weeks.
I’ve never smoked, done drugs, and rarely drink. I have no legal or financial problems and good credit. I have a great job working from home that I can start in a month. I’m just clinically depressed and it sucks that I don’t at least have a reason to be depressed. I feel like I’m a prisoner of my brain. Again, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. By the way, I’m a Christian and I believe God has saved my life three times so I can have a testimony for others but I’m not sure if he will save me again. Thanks so much.