Loneliness aches…

Loneliness aches… and has slowly, over time chipped away at me. Now I find myself here, maybe just out of curiosity, or maybe just desperation. There are many people worse off than myself, many in this very community, but right now, from my narrow, blinkered and selfish viewpoint; I’ve never been lower, lonelier, sadder or felt so forgettable. I was passionate about things once upon a time, now I’m just cold, bitter, heartless, and full of deep disappointment by how this life has played out. Yet I let this life turn this way, I watched everyone leave, while I stubbornly stayed with my thoughts focused on her, on the past, and in the wrong place for too long.

Turning over the thoughts on my mind isn’t feeling very healthy, so putting them down in text, just might help. I guess it’s worth a shot. The start of my downward spiral, was denying I was falling for a close friend. It eventually went too far, over the years became too serious, and what a crime that has turned into. Once a friend for life, someone you find yourself chatting all night with, someone I had cared for as a sister. But we changed, we both have regrets and it wasn’t until after the abrupt distancing that I realised how deep the feelings ran. The subsequent social implosion and rejection by everyone, has left me alone and unable to move on with my life. I’m stuck in a hole, I can’t get out and there’s nobody around to throw me a rope.

“Her” and her brothers were more than childhood friends to me. Our two families had history, and all of a similar age, they felt like my brothers too. For many years I spent more time with their family than my own. Gradually more time was spent in her company, and less with her brothers. Late night chats, online gaming, carpooling, all were the building blocks to the years of secrecy ahead. As ever with hindsight we both should of foreseen the consequences. In the whirlwind of some selfish happiness, I had ignored the bigger picture was at risk. An irreversible line had been crossed. Eventually when the truth began looking obvious, it all ended in panic and confusion. I tried to fix the fallout, to convince those judging, but it was too late and in trying to talk openly only made it worse. The reality dawned; it’s over, you lost them all. Despite the history, the trust was gone, and family relations torn. We both felt pressure to end contact. Giving the situation some space, soon became permanent. I had lost them all and inevitably friends of friends too.

Quickly I became the recluse I am today. Seemingly shamed into a solitary life. Avoiding social media, to not rub my face in everything and everyone I dearly miss. Yet curiosity gets the better of me at times, and I still occasionally reactivate Facebook to check how their lives are without me. I creep in, and sneak out. They’re all happy without me, and it’s so hard to accept, to feel so forgotten. I’ve become “that guy, what happened to him?”. The past is all I think about. I’m consumed by memories and have steadily driven myself to become the lonely, obsessive, pessimistic, OCD compelled, bundle of intense anxiety, that I don’t recognise in the mirror before me.

My mask to hide behind, is the guise of a workaholic, “too busy for life, I’m late for work”… Not through enjoyment for my job, but through routine. It’s the mundane routine of keeping me occupied, and distracted. My work colleagues do not know how important they are, being the only interaction in my world. I struggle to fight back anxiety and find enthusiasm to turn up each day. Yet once there it’s hard to pull myself away from my responsibilities, end the long hours and return to the empty life I hate so much. There are cracks in my act, but I’m convincing enough to get through the work day.

Sleep and work consume me to the point I find it hard doing the simple things in between, like a dentist appointment, or going shopping, or getting petrol. I dread being out in public. Every month I drive around on an empty tank, for days, risking a breakdown, because of the reluctance to fill up. It’s stupid, but it’s what I’ve become. I hide from the rest of the world, in my home, in my car, in my office. A loner, stuck in the memory of a happier past and unable to fix the present or move on to a bright future. It’s scary to think of growing old so lonely. I’m very distant with family, and now the social circle has forgotten me too. I feel so invisible, so helpless. I can see the problem, I can describe it, yet confiding in someone, or breaking the cycle… I just can’t.

I’ve tried to retrace my steps, shake myself of this miserable outlook as I strive to return to be the man, the friend I once was. There has been occasional contact with “her”, appearing positive at times but ultimately just hollow words in the end. Negotiating my re-integration with her family has always failed. I figured she is the key, to working it out, it had to be rebuilt with her first. Yet we can’t progress, and it’s frustratingly empty without her and her family in my life.

Right now, all I want is that great friendship we once had, before it became complicated, and a chance to win back the trust and be a reliable rock for her and her family. Old friends, friends of friends, would be a bonus if they fell back into place. But I can’t get that life back, the moment is gone and the past is messy. Anyone I’ve let in to my life since, has come and gone. Left or pushed away. Many unfairly compared to her, and they’ve failed in comparison. I’ve gradually backed myself into this lonely corner and I see it’s ridiculous. I hear the voice of reason screaming, “just let go, move town, move on.” As ever, it sounds so easy.

“Chin up, be positive, you’ll meet new people…” I lie to myself each day. The result of all the churning over of thoughts, this waste of a life, this empty being, are the feelings of giving up… Resigned to a robot shell, rusting, with only fading memories. The fun, the love, all drained away a long time ago. I waited for the opinions to change, I waited to be missed, to be remembered, I waited for her. I longed for that run and hug reunion, but alas I’ve run out of hope and I’m so tired of my own company.