Silenced

I don’t know how many times I’ve started to type. “H-E-“, No! Stop! People have their own problems and worries. Why should they stop to help me? Would I stop to help me? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my inner voice scream with the intensity of a million suns. Many people read this post and think, “Oh, it’s just another chick asking for attention.” I honestly wish that were the case.

The darkness is getting darker, and the sun has faded away. I no longer see light, just softer grey’s. My hope has flown away with birds. I’ve cut communication. I can no longer communicate normally. I am split. During the day, you would think no different of me. By night, you would not recognize the condensed shriveled version of myself. No one notices I’m gone.

I should be thankful, I guess. Should I end my “life,” there is no one around to miss me. Is that really something to be thankful for? I often think that I gave my all to keep relationships and looking back at the end, I’d say I did. There’s not much left to me except a gaping hole and dead white scars. I guess this is where people say, “No! Don’t! I”m sure you have at least one thing to live for.” The answer is that I do. I do have things that I am passionate about and things/people to live for but the point of the matter is that one can only live so long without a heart.

It’s been confirmed by many that I have no emotion. I am not arguing. I am in a relationship but I feel no love..no spark. My own father questioned if I loved him. I traveled hours to “home” seeking the love and company of my family. I stayed in an empty two story house for four days. No one came. This is the essence of my existence. But then again…to pay a penny for a thought is silly. Wait and charge a dollar because thoughts are so much more when you’re a goner.