Hi all, I’ll start with a quick intro of myself/my situtation. I’m 19, two para-suicides. I am now certain that I want to die. My last attempt was an overdose on anti-depressants and paracetamol which failed, before that, a cutting of the wrist. Now that I am sure, however, I’d like to go peacefully. I’ve refrained from giving anyone any hints and just really want to be left alone at this point, very tired. I don’t feel like I have the necessary skills required to function in this world and furthermore I have very little desire to do so. I live alone so suicide over a weekend would be incredibly easy. The topic of suicide was a very emotional one for me before, however, since my last attempt, I’m becoming more and more certain that this is what I want and have since stopped being able to empathise with or connect to other people or situations. I do, however, feel sad about leaving the very few people whom I love — I understand that nothing I try to do in advance could cushion their pain. I always think that maybe if I slowly cut off ties, it won’t hurt them as much. But I know that humans are resilient and that they will move on eventually.
I have read philosophical works on the topic, researched heavily etc. so that I am certain that it is not an impulsive choice. My problem is just bridging the gap between wanting and doing; occasionally something pushes me to that point, I’m just waiting.
3 comments
For a 19 year old, you certainly seem to have a gift with communication. From reading your letter, I’ve been able to discern that you’re a smart, strong, and compassionate individual. Suicide isn’t your primary goal; just coming here to the website, or simply “waiting†to bridge the gap, stands as a testament to your misgivings. Don’t see it as a flaw. Life may have been hard, I’m not making light of your past, however you must gain the mindset that you yourself are smart, capable and skillful in whatever you set your mind to. Get rid of the thoughts that tell you, “You’re not cut out for this life.†They’re all embodiments of your current outlook on life. They are, essentially, lies. One paramount rule that you must realize is that in order to see your life move past despondency and suicide, you must risk getting hurt again. True change, e.g., finding someone to love, getting a great job, forgiving a past mistake, is when the rubber meets the road. You can’t expect to overcome this mode of thinking without people in your life. It’s too hard to go about it alone, scared, and confused. I believe in you. I know that deep down in you there’s person full of life. Tell your heart to beat again. Let go of what could’ve been, what should’ve been, and embrace what will soon be new and bright beginning. Take each day one at a time. For what its worth, I’m proud of you for speaking your mind.
To be honest with you, the thought of leaving this world forever is slowly creeping back in my head again.. To be fair though I will be making the effort next week to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist to see what options I have.. Ive been seeking help for the last four years with very little progress.. I’m giving it one final go, if this doesn’t work out.. Then I’ll be leaving.
I wish you the best.
Dear Lichfield,
I second the comment above; you are a obviously a bright, capable, thoughtful person trapped in a lousy situation and mindset. Nineteen is far, far too young to give up.
Your perceived inability to adapt to the situation/setting you’re in is not so much a reflection of actual shortcomings as a mismatch between your inner aspirations and drives and the constraints of your present circumstances.
There is more going on here — why the loss of the will to live?
Have grappled with the rational choice/argument aspect, too. While this can be compelling and even comforting, I want to add that the subtraction of your being from this universe is a loss to everybody, a loss that you are not able to grasp given your state. Maybe you cannot right now properly imagine the self you will become once you overcome all of this, but in doing so, you will come to appreciate what you are and your value to those who love you and those you will touch and influence.