There’s no point to me.

Hopeless, we have so much in common. I’ve battled depression since an early age. Been through more than a lot of people I know. Although I also understand there’s always someone who has it worse. I was in a bad roll over accident a few years ago and although I should be grateful to be alive, I hate who I am. My family and what friends I have act like they don’t know what I’m talking about. Even before the accident I was a freak. Although I was less aware at that age. Till my older brother snapped at my parents and accused my mom of being on drugs and said ”Just look at him”. Something I’ll never forget. It was at that point I became very aware at just how much of an ugly freak I was. And after my accident my anxiety around others is at times almost unbearable. Unless I know people I talk to well, I can’t hardly keep a conversation because my I’m thinking about what they must be thinking about it. My mind starts going a million miles an hour. It’s obvious I’m a freak by the way they act or talk to me. It’s like there’s an elephant in the room, but they all act like it’s not there. So they try to avoid it. I find most human interaction to be forced. Most see me and only act interested in talking. Most people avoid me if they can or put on some fake smile and do the proper ”How are you” when in all reality they don’t really care. I could say I’m dieing inside more each day and they’d fake a smile and say that’s great. I’d rather people walk by and ignore me, tell me how much of a freak I am, than to stare at me and then once I notice give the fake ”etiquette” bullshit. And I believe the same thing, looks matter in this world. One of the worst things to come to realize, but it’s true. It determines a lot. I completely understand how lonely you must feel and what you must go through.

Yeah hopeless,

I know what you mean. People treat me the exact same way. They only communicate with me if they need or want something, or no one else is around to talk to. Just like at work. I’ll try to join in a conversation and I’m always over shadowed by someone else. I might as well not even be in the same room. They talk over me just about anytime I try to join in. So I rarely join in anymore. It’s that way everywhere I go. Even around my own family. Yet not even my own family knows what I’ve been through or go through. I’m on this endless cycle. I’ll be in such a deep hole of despair and hopelessness, I’ll slowly find my way out of it, feel angry, numb, a level of contentment being numb, find some peace, and start to enjoy a little bit of sunshine. And right when I think things are getting better, this ugly dark cloud begins to hang overhead. I fall back down into this pit of loneliness, anger, despair, suicidal thoughts, feeling hopeless and forever alone. And the cycle repeats itself…over…and over…and over again. No matter how hard I fight for happiness or some joy or peace in my life. I can’t run or fight hard enough. It always catches up. Top that off with being molested at an early age, abused by a stepfather growing up. Your real father not wanting anything to do with you. Being in and out of hospitals and doctors through out my life. In a car wreck that changed everything. And being invisible to just about everyone for fear of catching the plaque that is my ugliness. And yet somehow, through years of isolation, personal neglect, under weight, self mutilation and deprivation I have everyone around me fooled into thinking ”everything’s okay”. And it will be until a date in my near future. The day I plan to ”shock” everyone (if they happen to even notice) and end this cycle.