took me a few months to create this account

I’ve had depression since the age of 12. It was really stupid as a kid. I’d cry, cuddle with my nana and miss school and cry more.

As I grew up, it just got worse. The more I learned about the realities of the world, the ugliness of people, the more I spiralled.

It doesn’t help that I got good grades and have shitty parents.

My father is a wife beater but has stopped recently because I punched him the last time.

My mother is a compulsive liar and is bipolar.

If you add the two, it’s really tough. To make things worse, my siblings and I are talented and smart so they had these outrageous expectations of us.

My mother pushed me over the edge while my father watched, but by the time I could climb back, it was too late.

I decided to not care what they thought of me at age 17 but it was useless.

Why?

Because my self worth is on the floor. I have no dreams because I can’t remember what they were.

I got into a Russel Group university despite choosing Archaeology simply because it was the first thing on the alphabetically ordered list.

I did that and moved out for a year but still my parent’s made me suffer.

My mum got beat up and tried to stab my dad.

They were on the brink of suicide.

My mother became depressed and had a heart attack.

So I became free for a year, but only within a certain parameter.

I stopped studying and stopped caring. I dropped out of university and moved back in.

I am 20 now, and I feel like I don’t want to live.

I don’t want to die, but being dead is better than experiencing a myriad of ugly emotions and brutal scenes.

I’ve been cutting myself recently, but I stopped.

Alcohol doesn’t help,drugs don’t help, counselling doesn’t help, antidepressants don’t help.

I am nothing. I have no one.

I think I want to die soon, because I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’m so tired, I want it all to stop.

There are many like me, and I finally understand why suicide is an oasis for some people.