It has been awhile since I thought about something remotely close to the end of my life cycle, but I don’t think I can see that far ahead. I doubt anyone can, unless, of course, one is terminally ill and the end is really nigh. In fact, things in my life have been so randomly confusing or misleading, that sometimes, it feels better to keep my eyes closed; to look inward beyond the void of nothingness; to find a piece of serenity through meditation; to feel the weightlessness of sleep only to wake up in what appears to be a dream. Sometimes, I wake up from a dream, and I either feel calm, confused, or I feel nothing.
I have fought my battles, both physical or psychological, with friends and family and love interests, alike. Every struggle always seemed to be over something material or tangible; things like money or property. In struggles such as these, without even trying, with me just being as generous as I can be, I seemed to do nothing but bring out the worst in people. I’d like to think I had nothing to do with how the opposite end thought during those particular conflicts, but if I never existed to have a conflict with, there would be nothing to see I could consider bad; although, it can be argued that if the money or property never existed, there would be no conflict as well. However, as a matter of convenience for the other side, it was normally something of value I had that someone else wanted, until, of course, I stood up for myself and became tired of being taken for a fool by family, close friends, or love interests. Even if what I did felt right, I was perceived as the villain in the struggle by the opposition; although, logically, the opposite side was in the wrong from beginning, middle, and end.
Through many of those times, I felt betrayed, unloved, unwanted, hated, etc. Days, weeks, and months would pass where I could go on like nothing happened. What I failed to realize over time, was that I was only kidding myself in trying to avoid memories of what transpired. The damage was almost always delayed, and I would gradually transition from denial to acceptance of what and who I cannot trust. Whenever I hit these revelations, I would normally close my eyes to look inward, and try to find lessons of intrinsic value I could carry with me from the experiences. Physical wounds that remained eventually dissipated with the healing of time. The only revelations from those quarrels were that I could defend myself, and injuries emerged from wounds as a reminder of what not to do, temporary as they were. Financial hardships often made me look at my account statements, and made me wonder what and how I invested in someone else’s burdens. Much like physical wounds, over time as I labored at work, I was able to obtain what I lost from a bad investment. Psychological battles always left emotional scars that never vanished, and enveloped whomever was involved in that one, bad, immutable, unforgettable impression. I feel psychological scars are the worst, and seem to never heal, no matter how far away into the present I may be.
As more time passes, I know I’ll meet the end of my life cycle, most likely with my eyes closed, if the end doesn’t close if for me, or I cross over to the other side involuntarily with eyes wide open. What I often wonder is, if I meet the end with eyes closed and look inward at my life lessons from conflicts encompassing all I understand as tangible and intangible, will I feel calm, confused, or will I feel nothing? Will I look back at all of these experiences, and either think or wish this was all a dream? Or will the end of my life cycle be just as confusing and misleading as everything that came before it? Will I be the hero of my own survival and salvation through various trials and tribulations, or the villain of what I brought out as the worst of fragile, inhumanity from those once closest to me? Though it may not matter at the end of my life cycle, at those precious moments before my demise, what will I have learned before the end worth knowing?