When I am upset or seriously depressed I listen to music. Hateful and sad. Maybe that isn’t the best thing to do but after I get passed all of the crying and cutting, and panic attacks, I feel great again. My mother saw my scars for the first time today. I have always been so good at hiding them. I can’t believe I was not paying attention. I feel terrible for that. It isn’t her fault. It’s everyone else’s. I really want to speak to her about it but I am so scared. What if she does not love me anymore. My father used to have to take me to the hospital for my cuts because I have had to get stitches in my sides. Dad didn’t really care because he doesn’t give a crap about me but I know my mother does. I don’t know what to do or say or explain why the are upon my arms and all over the rest of my body… My friends are always trying to tell me to eat or to see a doctor. What they don’t know is that I do see doctors.. I have a serious problem with being scared about the way people treat me. I used to never care. Now that’s all I worry about. I care what you think too. It’s not just a family or friend thing.. Please take that into consideration.
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I haven’t cut in years but I think about it often. I never cut very deep (except on my little finger on my left hand, and I suppose there are some stabs that are deep with x-acto blades), but I liked watching the blood drip. It just felt like the pain was flowing out of me. Most of them were light so they just looks like normal scratches a kid might get.
The cuts on my left hand were always done without really thinking about it. I’d stare off into the evergreens at lunch during school and just carve away without thinking. It was always a challenge to conceal that. No one either noticed or cared to ever say anything though.
When one of my friends cut or are suicidal as I am myself.. I notice right away. Because I am that type of person. People love you. Know that.
Well, I guess I was exaggerating a little with the no one noticed. There were a couple people who did. I had a really close friend is high school who I told everything to (even the fact that I was madly in love with her at the time) but we lost touch a couple years after high school when she went to college – to be a counselor of all things.
I found her on Facebook recently, but left her alone. She seems happy. I am glad for her. She doesn’t need me in her life dragging her down.
There was another friend who had been sexually abused and was living on her own by 17 because of family not wanting anything to do with her that I was also friends with in high school (she was also a friend of the other girl). I always tried to cheer her up, but never was very successful. I’ve no idea what happened to her, but hope her life got better.
My most recent friend was my ex’s friend who had also had horrible younger years. I could talk to her about anything and she could always tell if something was wrong no matter how much I tried to hide it. I can never seem to get a hold of her anymore though. I miss her. I really felt comfortable talking to her. I guess I just hope she’s doing well.
So yeah, some people could see it…but most never did. Most either had no idea or did not care.
You said you know she cares about you with that in mind its very unlikely that this would cause her to stop loving you. Try talking to her about it maybe she can help. And don’t worry about the music..if it helps it helps.
your mother will still love you… i have one of the most over reactive , paranoid and anxious mothers in the world..but no matter how bad she feels or scared even when she knew i was cutting.. she loved me.. she just wanted to see my smile.. thats all a mother ever wants..is for her child to smile.
I’m curious what bands you listen to. Lord knows I’ve spent many nights drunkenly singing along to Bright Eyes while bawling my eyes out. Or Nine Inch Nails while punching walls.
Well I listen to a bunch of bands. Botdf, bring me the horizon, Hollywood undead, nine inch nails, five finger death punch, Korn, three days grace, avenged sevenfold and many more. I don’t really have a favorite band.. I just lay down and cry while listening to music. Because that’s the only thing I like doing anymore..
Nine Inch Nails? Aren’t those then guys who wear three inch nails on stage?
*the guys*
My parents had a very strange reaction. My mom was furious and my dad was aloof. It was weird as heck! I think now it’s gotten to the point where they just want to wake up from this bad dream. They want to just pretend everything is fine in their perfect world.
Your dad sounds like awful not caring. My dad drove me to therapy and stuff but then gave me crap about not getting better fast enough so I know a little bit about dads who might “look” supportive but aren’t really.
Work on your mom, it might be awkward at first but I’m sure she really wants to discuss it with you