And I’m not talking about the people who have had close brushes with death and feel like they are living on borrowed time (you know, the ones who are like “a piano almost fell and killed me! Now I will live life to the fullest!”). Or maybe I am? I have survived from a very real attempt at suicide. I always wanted to die. I have tried plenty of other times but was always stopped or prevented. I hate that when you die, the people who treated you the worst are never the remorseful ones. The funny thing is that they are the ones who deserve death the most. It’s always the people who truly care that get hurt after the fact, not the ones you are trying to hurt by your death. Usually they don’t care or they delude themselves so they don’t have to feel responsible. I really wish I could hurt them in some way, not physically, but so that they understand the pain and are no longer so ignorant (and spew out hate as a defense). I understand that these are the people who also have something very wrong with them. Usually narcissists or boderline personalities.
The thing is, I feel like if I had been successful the first time, many years ago, my life would not be as full of pain as it is now. My life has not changed much, except to add more suffering and some joy and happiness but not enough to make me want to continue living. I understand the basics of living, and my life may be harder but it is not impossible to attain a good life. I just really don’t want to go through with the motions anymore. I don’t want to have to work harder and that’s on me. We have too many people in the world and the state of our economy is so backwards that I just don’t want to live through it. I understand most people would be fine with it, but I personally see what life potentially has to offer and I just want out. I feel like the years from when I first started considering suicide has just been painful and dragged out. It would have been better if I had died a long time ago.
This is what I mean by the phrase “I feel like I was meant to die”. My whole body is repelled by the idea of living, so much that it is hard to be a normal person. I feel like I should have died much earlier, even through abortion. I feel like I wasn’t meant to exist and that is why I feel so conflicted. It isn’t even the struggles of life. I mean, life itself is a huge struggle and the majority of it involves dealing with others, something I hate. It’s this exact reason I know I wasn’t meant to be on this earth, I just wasn’t made to withstand being a person in today’s society. I am a biological defect. I wonder how many other people know in their hearts that they just weren’t made for this world, like it was a mistake. I hear stories of people persevering through all odds and I just know that I will never have that in me. I don’t even have the drive to live what could potentially be a semi-good life. I just can’t handle the simplest struggles or hardship. I objectively see that I started life at a disadvantage and just want to throw the towel in instead of fighting a fixed match.
33 comments
i get what you mean completely! there are some days where i feel just like that and i dont know what im doing anymore. ive tried suicide many times and have lost many friends to it but every time i try i am saved to. but in a way it makes me stronger yet weaker at the same time almost like bittersweet but not really. i think that maybe if you just try and talk to someone, to have a goof friend who will be by your side at three in the morning when your fighting your demons and holding the blade in your hands or pills or whatver, but you need someone like that who will be there no matter what. nothing will ever be okay im not going to lie but maybe if you have someone who is willing to be there for you, you might have a chance of having that semi-good life.
It’s interesting that you describe it as bittersweet. Mostly I am still embittered about the whole situation. But I too have also lost friends because of my attempts. I have also lost a lot of respect and independence because of it. It saddens me because each time my life has become significantly worse after each attempt, until I feel that there is nothing left to do but just finish off this life that shouldn’t have started. The hospitals they sent me to were also traumatizing and no one really cared for my welfare but only of what was most convenient for them. It made me realize how awful some people really are. Like my older sister who I no longer talk to. She was also the one that was beat the most as a child but she said some of the most hurtful things when I was in the hospital (my other sister tries to be there for me and is taking care of me). Things like how I fucked up and how I should have died. My grandmother also visited and told me that I needed to take care of my mother and look after her… my mother has Munchhausen’s Syndrome, which is a factitious disorder.
I guess the point is that I don’t even want the semi-good life. It’s not worth the struggle of being alive.
We’re all meant to die. It’s part of the whole biological mortality thing.
Either that or we’re meant to become immortal, but no one has quite figured it out yet.
I feel like we have figured out the steps, it’s just the ethical boundaries and red tape. You could clone a new body and transplant the brain which is immunologically privileged. It was done once to a dog by a neurosugeron and it was successful. Science has also taken steps in tissue regeneration and stem cell research. It does sound super sci-fi though.
didn’t know about the brain-transplanted dog, but on that note: i’m pretty sure that the current pinnacle of science/medicine advancements actually significantly surpasses what most people are allowed to know about.
If not for all the toxins pumped into our food/water/environments, i would guess most people would be living past 100 by now, and still be able to function reasonably well by then.
Then again, i’m guessing the “elites” don’t want everyone having that, and would most likely keep it to themselves, or only people who can afford outrageous costs to obtain it.
It’s kinda like how a car manufacturer needs their cars to wear out so they can sell more cars, instead of building something that “lasts indefinitely.” The same could be said for the slave class of this prison planet. They need us to work hard and die fast, before we end up figuring out their game and breaking it. Some of us already see the game, and that it’s rigged, but there aren’t enough of us to map it out well enough and really do anything about it.
If there was a way to control the growth rate of cancer cells (cancer cells are practically immortal), and harness them along with stem cells for regenerative properties, I’m pretty sure the research would be kept quiet for a while, at least untill a market for the, um.. “youth”? could be secured.
Oh absolutely, first they need to make sure they will make a profit, that’s just good business. My father actually developed patents for tissue regrowth for a company but he died when I was much younger and the work was confidential. It wasn’t a conspiracy, just negligence on a doctor’s part that missed the fact that he had a hole in his heart.
They already know that cannabis (big surprise) causes many types of cancer cells to complete apoptosis. Cancer cells keep growing/replicating unimpeded, because they’re mutated in such a way that they do not self-destruct as normal and normal-unhealthy/mistake cells should. One of the reasons people are saying “cannabis cures cancer,” is because it stimulates this normally present “programmatic cellular death” (aka PCD, aka “apoptosis”) in cancer cells, where it is not occurring as it should.
Idk if cannabis is mentioned, but Vsauce has a video about cancer, which i think is pretty interesting, informative, and entertaining.
Unfortunately chemotherapy is just so much more profitable for those who prey on others.
I still feel bad about all the fights we used to get into when I was younger about using animals for science. I realize now that he was just trying to support his family and he was always so stressed from the work. And he never really yelled at me despite how idealistic and over-zealous I was about the whole thing.
I shouldn’t have been born, my mum didn’t think she could have kids hence my name meaning ‘gift of the lord’ and I survived a lot of shit afterwards like her death and physical abuse which in retrospect I always wish had’ve killed me, but I never feel ready to take my life in the present and instead hope for a better future. Life is a bit like gambling, you know you’re going to lose but you keep playing anyway because there is a chance of winning. And suicide is usually the result of an emotional and impulsive decision rather than calculated rational analysis.
I always find it interesting that suicide is labeled as emotional and impulsive because the way I see it, the house always comes out on top in the casino. When I go to Vegas I simply don’t gamble to begin with because I instinctually know the odds of winning are not favorable. Why waste money to begin with? That is my calculated rational analysis of simple statistics for the odds of winning. So I don’t gamble. It’s the same with life, your chances of succeeding are so unlikely that you might as well not play at all.
How could you instinctively know the odds of winning are not favorable? That seems more like something to be attributed to simply being rational.
There’s something called “intuition,” and i think it could be described as a sort of primitive, low level processing phenomenon, which allows “ineffable” factors to be approximated well enough to give us an idea which direction to apply… ourselves, to any given situation.
One of the major fallacies running rampant in these times, is the casually cynical dismissal of Good intuition. Science alone won’t get us where we need to go. We have to embrace the art of “feeling” our world… but in a way that is compatible with advanced concepts and modalities. We have to correct the misunderstandings that have everyone omitting humanity (i.e. the quality of being human) from the equations. “Psychonauts” already understand this.
Oh, psychonauts… I’m thinking Charles & Terance McKenna, the McKenna Brothers.
Yep, and Alex Grey (is it an ‘e’ or an ‘a’? The guy who did the art on Tool’s Lateralus album…). The McKennas are legendary.
Idk why, but i’ve been lately feeling the urge to trip again, creeping up inside me… like softly rumbling volcano. I haven’t done it in over a decade.
That same ‘intuition’ is also the driving cause behind many gambling addicts habits.”I’m going to win, I can feel it.” I think the problem is that many people don’t know how to trust their intuition, or that they don’t know what it is altogether. What would it be described as? A gut feeling? Or more of a twinge in your head that errs you on in this or that direction.. I think having good intuition requires self control, the ability to abstain from compulsion and trust your gut instincts.
“That same ‘intuition’ is also the driving cause behind many gambling addicts habits.”
No it isn’t. I said Good intuition. GOOD intuition. I even capitalized it in the middle of a sentence, to emphasize that condition. Now it’s italicized and in bold, and all caps. (btw, yes, some html tags work in comments; i use ’em’ and ‘strong’ as per modern standards)
This kinda hints at what i’m getting at:
“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents… some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age.”
-H.P. Lovecraft, The Call Of Cthulhu
I paraphrased intuition to show that some people don’t truly understand what intuition is, that they only think they have it, ergo ‘intuition’ (not really intuition)(overconfidence, a wild guess, a feeling of compulsion, an impulse, all falsely labeled as intuition; these people do not know what intuition is.)
sigh
That’s what I get for being lazy I guess. If people can take something then it’ll probably happen.. oh well.
whoops
*if people can take something *wrong* then it will probably happen*
it’s my bedtime
You’re absolutely right. Some people have superstition, and call that intuition. Lots of people don’t “really know” about lots of the things they think they know about.
The “silver lining” of my miserable life, is that i have had the opportunity to reflect and explore thoughts, deeply and intensely, for long periods of time, much earlier and more frequently than it seems most people do.
With so many people scurrying around oblivious, saying things like “you think too much!” i often the feeling that “well… someone’s gotta do it…”
i often the feeling. Yes.
I also accidentally the whole thing. lol.
*get.
Lol, okay, so we’ve established we’re human 🙂
I’m going to go be sad for being a slacker now
I feel like everyone feels like we’re meant to die sometimes. Circle of life.
But I don’t think destiny is real, so being meant to die is nonsense. I don’t wanna sound cliche, but every day you live is another you haven’t succumbed.
well… i mean… we ARE “meant to die.” That’s how our biology works. It’s the one thing everyone is guaranteed to have in common. We die, no matter what (so far).
yeah, I think we have to find our own meaning in life, not just “meant to die” lol. alum means in a biological sense, but I first thought he meant in a nice, soft hara-kiri way.
either way, I guess it doesn’t make it different in the end for the individual
man, this is depressing. I’m addicted to this website, it’s four in the morning here. if I could forget this and go sleep, but I come back near everyday to depress myself further with these topics.. lol
*go to
I know the feeling…
Oh yeah, I think anyone reading this should look up Freud and “Death Instincts”, supposedly feeling like you’re meant to die is something that occurs due to an instinctive process… I don’t know it would comfort anyone, but it’s a theory that kind of makes the feeling less sinister.. well, g’night.
I understand completelyou. I felt as if I were listening to my twin there.
I, too, have never felt com for table in this world. Last night I was thinking how pointless it is to play a rigged game with arbitrary rules when you never wanted to play in the first place.
I am rationally convinced death is best.
It was so good to hear another voicentre what I feel so strongly. You honestly brought a tear to my eye.
I wish you well.