I really hoped I wouldn’t get into this state ever again…
Last time I had these very violent urges,I almost killed someone…over a damn simple insult!Ever since,I hoped that I could control myself,as to prevent these urges from ever coming back again…They’re back now,despite of all my efforts to keep the violent thoughts away from my mind…
The worst part is that,when suffering from these urges,I almost totally lose control of myself.Just the smallest trigger of an insult can make something in my brain just snap,and then I lose control,attacking the individual(s),regardless of their size or number of people in the group.I believe that it this aggressiveness is a combination of the symptoms of my bipolar disorder and anti-social personality disorder working together to create that suicidal killing machine…
And how wonderful is that,after every aggressive period,all the frustration and anger that was aimed to others gets aimed towards myself,and thus I become extremely suicidal again…I hate it…I hate knowing that I cannot control my own anger and I hate knowing that for as long as I am captive in this cage of flesh,I shall be a prisoner of my numerous mental illnesses…I want to die…Well,it’s been the 3rd day of the violent episode,and judging from experience,it’s coming to an end now,so I should better prepare for the following suicidal episode coming shortly after this aggression is over…
…Had to get this off my dark soul…Sorry for wasting space which could’ve been used by someone who is actually salvageable…
2 comments
Fuck…. You have been through so damn much. Read your earlier posts too… It must be terrible to ‘live’ like this, i cant even imagine. Living with these mental illnesses must be hell for you… You dont deserve this.. Further proof that God doesnt exist
i get violent urges too but not very often and not to this extent