I am 37 and have 2 kids who could easily live without me, a dead end job that barely pays enough to keep the utilities on and gas in the car, no friends, no life outside of work. I spend most of my time staring, reading, or playing whatever game my mouse happens to click on the computer. I am chronically I’ll with an undiagnosed ailment which is most likely going to kill me even if I don’t . I don’t drink or use drugs or terrorize my kids. Growing up and in highschool and the years shortly following, being with someone was at the top of the priority list but frankly my ex has ruined any possibility of that ever being an issue again. As one gets older and comes to more fully understand themselves they realize more and more things that cannot be simply overcome if a relationship is to survive. Some things can be reconciled and accepted while others can not. I am a pretty “different” individual and there is no one in this world for me and I accept that. I can’t remember the last person I spoke to that I didn’t want to choke and I must obviously let that show outwardly because I get the sense people feel the same about me. That being said I have been much more concerned with professional advancement since splitting with my ex and well, I’m learning that I don’t have the skills to be anything but a slave at whatever company I sell the hours of my life to. Going back to college at 37 seems daunting and in the end there is no way of knowing if it would even make a difference. If I started now my kids would be adults by time I was done. So here is my question. Seeing as how I have outlived my usefulness and there is no one in this world who would even notice my absence and there is frankly zero future, for what reason should I or anyone like me continue to exist?
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For your children. Suffer it out for them
You have alot to live for. Stop looking for happiness in a relationship. Look for happiness inside yourself. Its never too late to go back to college. I know a 55 year old woman whos going back to college and she already has a degree. Shes also had batttles with depression. You have a job that pays the bills. Thats more than some people have. You have two kids. Thats more love than some people have. The illness part can be rough but my dad had stage four colon cancer for five years. Never went into remission. Stayed alive until it killed him. Fight for your life. Its bittersweet. This too shall pass.
I quit looking for happiness in a relationship long ago. That being said it still stings a bit when the realization hits you that you will be alone for the rest of your life. The thing that bothers me most is knowing I will never be able to live life the way I want. I don’t want to struggle day to day for kids who wouldn’t even miss me and they are my only reason to keep going? What kind of life is that..just spending all my time making some other already wealthy asshole more money while he throws me a pittance that I struggle to pay for food with.
Fuck yeah it still stings…we can pretend to carry on as though we dont need another person to make us happy,but that would usually be a lie.and “look for happiness inside ,not in someone else” as advice is spontaneous combustion aggravating to hear from people..over half the time its coming from some asshole who is married or in a relationship!The ANTI-co dependent thing is awesome if you are able to go through extensive counseling,support groups,books,workbooks,etc and then probably STILL feel fucked up because it is a natural state to be in, for humans..to have a partner is a compulsion built in to almost all humans..for practical reasons as well as companionship. And working for someone else to reap the majority of the profit IS a soul killing exercise..But thats Capitalism.A disgusting system of highly trained money grabbing unethical scheming robbers working others to a marginally compensated death…still I am extremely glad I was born into this society-the alternative is nightmarish,but in a more blatant,in your face kind of way,whereas we can rest assured we dont have to actually see the wretched exploited children and the impoverished adults who are getting 2$ a day workin 16 hour shifts in cancer fostering factory conditions..I digress…our middle and lower classes( economically) do have a shot at coming up in our society,but it takes so much schooling in this day and age-I see you are not thrilled with the prospect,and I dont blame u one bit.The children will be scarred if their parent commits suicide,yes.Whether they love you dearly or not its gonna leave a mark…Is that enough reason to refrain from suicide or running far away? Cant be answered by others,really…will they be destitute or struggling very hard financially?That too fucks people up-It sucks to be poor..Tons of men walk away and dont look back-but I think most of us can say we consider that to be a deeply shitty act..Iots of men overcome the guilt pretty easily and start over though…If you were to get to th point where its a choice of death or running away ,it might get easier to do. As far as never living life the way you want..its so fucking upsetting when first realized.when I realized it ,ichose to drink and drug th feeling away -but it ends up exacerbating th feeling after awhile. Years,i mean.Well,i think heroin may be the one that doesnt stop working,but the lifestyle becomes the horror.Its the one drug I abstained from out of fear,but the jurys still out for me-I may choose to use it still,if my emotional/spiritual condition declines even more. People try and compensate themselves for having a mediocre life.We ALL have th option of struggling harder for more financial gain..I hate to work at a job i dont love more than I hate being a dependant on a mid level budget. So,the question u ask-what reason is there to stick around? The CHANCE that things could change,and happiness felt again.. Its an exhausting kind of hope,and I find disappointment about it to be pretty unbearable,but its why people go on living..they still believe..I have a spark of belief left(about loving and being loved) from the fairy tale syndrome I was duped by as a child (thanks mom,dad.you are assholes for living happily ever after and tellin me I could,too!!!) Do you still have a speck of hope left? It seems like you do,from the tone of your post…I dont actively engage in the fantasizing or active participation by dating ,in the search for THE ONE” anymore,bc it brought me to brink of death many many times and I have to stay here awhile,still,to honor a commitment to my kids..but at any time,I might change my mind..depends on how agonizing this gets
I would never just run away, wherever I could go I’d still be there. I’m not trying to abandon my kids but they really don’t rely on me too much financially so I wouldn’t be screwing them over. The main concern I guess with them is would it be damaging. I suppose it would be but to what extent? Muy daughter isn’t biologically mine although I’ve been her dad since she was one. My son is already pretty introverted and he doesn’t seem to miss me at all when we haven’t spent any time together in a while. Hell if I let him take the Xbox with him to his moms I’d probably never see him again. ..so I just don’t get what I’m struggling for. A pointless future of solitary financial and emotional confinement? Doesn’t sound worth the trouble.
More than a decade older than you and have earned a couple of degrees in the past 2 years. I’m not sorry I did. Just my $.02.
After reading the comment concerning the boy and your xbox-I realized that it sounds like the same phenomena thats sweeping the civilized countries worldwide-Too much Goddamn Gaming…Not Enough Actual Living..You yourself stated that thats what kills a lot of your time, but you are handicapped to a degree .It sucks lives away..My boy will do it if allowed..many people do it.in your case,I was thinking :Do you actually attempt to connect with your children?Do you put down th entertainment aids and physically do things with them? If you cant physically go do things,then you can at least do other things movies,dinners,boardgames,-teach them to play poker,and play cards,because its FUN,and they will be interacting with their dad and they will like it.You will feel happier if ypu get this meaningful contact ,at least you will feel better..it may change nothing else,but even so,its worth effort to be a better dad..I hope you can connect..
Fyi-im not judging you about th kids..I just think it would be a possible positive thing that could change the overall outlook..
Yeah I didn’t take it as judgment. When my kids are with me we are always at the park or out to movies or building Legos or whatever activity we can find. I let them play the Xbox when we just don’t feel like going out but usually that’s not the case. Both of my kids are very active in sports as well. They both play soccer and basketball and will be joining a coed flag football league this fall. I only play when they’re not around and I need some escapism. I think in general we are perhaps less into the gaming than many people although it is probably more than it used to be 5 years ago. That being said their preferred activity is the Xbox when they can get it.
I realize I have many things that others may not and I should be grateful and I am, but I’m tired and there is no light at the end of the tunnel…just a never ending tunnel.