I hate it so much. There is simply no space in the world for a giant man in a dress. That’s what I am. A giant man in a dress. I am tired of feeling jealous of women, tired of feeling like I can’t catch my breath. Anxiety constantly. It feels like there is no hope, nowhere for me to go. I feel like such a freak. I’m tired of hating the way I look, tired of hating that there’s nothing I can do about it, just tired. I’m exhausted from self loathing. I don’t know how much more pain I can take. There is no fix for this, not for me. Some people transition and good for them. This body doesn’t. I won’t make a spectacle of myself, I won’t flush my life down the toilet so I can be laughed at and mocked in public. I won’t humiliate myself or my wife or my family so I can wear a dress in public. I feel like a clown. I have been to transgender support groups and been in therapy. All of these trans women that have transitioned are half my size. Nothing makes me feel better, nothing helps. It’s just my fucked up head and these dark spaces. I would rather be dead than transition. If that’s what it comes to, then I say see you on the other side. Transitioning only transfers the pain, it’s a lateral move. Transition means I get divorced, lose most my friends and family and get to be laughed at and pointed at everywhere I go. The pain only transfers, there is no solution for this. Not for me. I’ll hold on for as long as I can, but I can’t live like this forever. Maybe tonight God will take me in my sleep, maybe I’ll stroke out or have a blood clot go to my lungs. I don’t see any other way to stop this. I feel so helpless and hopeless. Thanks for reading my rant.
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5 comments
good post
I wish I had an answer. I don’t. Except that I am sorry you have been born in a body that causes you so much pain. You obviously have a beautiful soul that is struggling to make sense of the why of who you are and the why of you being placed in a world that doesn’t see the inner you.
I send you love and caring for that person inside who is struggling to be seen more lovingly from the outside.
Hey Rachel,
I’m trans too. I was assigned female at birth and have been on testosterone for a while but I don’t identify as a man. I identify as gender non conforming and gender queer and it still hurts when people don’t see me for who I am. Some days I still feel like a freak, and some days i feel like a beautiful butterfly, soaring way above these douches and rules. I can’t say that it’ll all turn out fine but I can say that your life means something and that regardless of what people say there is no “right” way to be a girl or a boy.
As a kid I was the tall fat girl. Now people perceive me as an “average height” boi. When I march at the Dyke march I get hate from women and men alike, who all think I’m a trans-woman because I have a beard and breasts(they’re dummies). All these rules are shit and make no sense. I hope that our bodies can be free. Most trans-masculine folks are short and people are constantly telling them they are less than because they are short but we’re adorable.
If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. If you don’t wanna talk, that’s fine as well. Hope Other people get to see the beauty you already know you have. Sending you love.
P.S. if you don’t wanna talk because you’re like “who the heck is this person, whatever!” feel free to hit me up on youtube, this is my handle there as well.
Wish I could swap your body with mine…
i have a few trans* friends and am part of the LGBTQ spectrum as well, surprisingly enough I recently joined a Transgender Alliance group of Facebook, it’s amazing you really should check it out, the community is wonderful and it’s a very safe place to express yourself, i feel like you would feel so much better if you got in touch with other trans* individuals (hugs)