There’s no easier way to sum it up than just simply: I hate who I am and what I’ve made of my life.
At 24 I am a nothing. I didn’t used to be this way.
A [usually in denial] alcoholic, I’ve become alienated from many close friends who I just feel ashamed to be around. I do nothing but ruin nights out and become a burden on everyone. I’ve tried so hard to stop, but it always comes undone. I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, you’d think I’d learn by now, but it still feels like every time will turn out differently and I’ll be better.
An unemployed loser. All around me my friends and family are succeeding, and I’m trying so so hard to find work and it’s always nothing. I have a good education and past experience, but it all means nothing. I feel worthless. I feel boring and useless to be around. I can’t even afford to do things with anybody so I’ve become a loner. Recently I lost my ID and I’m too broke to even afford to replace it! How’s that for pathetic?
I feel like an awful person. I hate the way I am. I hate the way I treat others; lashing out because I feel so dead and broken inside. Because of my stupid choices with alcohol and eating I’ve also given myself a stomach ulcer, so I feel sickly most of the time. Mostly I just sleep all day because I have nothing else to do and its my only peace, then stay up all night crying because I can’t help it anymore. I feel like there’s nothing to live for. I’m quickly losing the people who used to care about me, and I don’t blame them. Because I don’t care about me either, I HATE who I am more than anything. Lately I’ve started hurting myself with swift punches and slaps to my own face, chest, and legs. I feel stupid after but in the moment it’s what I feel I deserve because of how stupid and awful I am.
I used to have bouts of depression and self-hatred, but nothing like this. This time it’s constant, and I don’t even remember how to be happy or feel like a person worthy of love, friends, security, anything. I honestly just want to scream all the time “YOUR LIFE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY”. All I think about now is ending it, and if it wasn’t for how disappointed my mom would be I’d do it in an instance, because nothing matters anymore. I DON’T MATTER. AND I’M SO DONE WITH FEELING THIS WAY ALL THE TIME.
4 comments
Lily,
The hardest thing to do after suffering from a disappointment is to let go of your past mistakes and move on. Right now you may see yourself as a failure because you aren’t exactly where you’d like to be in life, however one thing you must dwell on is the fact that you’ve made a lot of right choices. From what I’ve read, you’ve succeeded in gaining an education; you’ve even worked at a few respectable positions. I personally don’t think that makes you a failure. It sounds as though you’ve simply fallen into a rut, one that could easily be climbed out of. Now I’m not making light of your pain, I’m sure there are numerous voices that are telling you, “You’ve seen your best days. Just give up, nothing good is going to happen to you anymore;” don’t believe them. You sound like a smart and capable person. You must set your sights on what makes you happy. The first step is to truly forgive yourself for the drinking and reclusive lifestyle. Take things one day at a time. I believe that you’re more than what you think you are.
‘unemployed’ does not make you a loser. You have an education and studied. You have had past experience. Unfortunately a job is the usual way to make money. If you are drinking too much it is a good idea to stop as it can really interfere. Keep applying for jobs. If you have studied at uni or college then if you apply to jobs that dont need that kind of thing it may be better to leave it out of your resume. Hope you find your way out of this somehow. You have tried
Lily: I’m short on time, or would stay to discuss things with you. You have options. I believe it is always best to make decisions based on accurate information. I know there are 12-step programs out there, but they aren’t for everyone. I have loved ones who have had success with Women for Sobriety and Smart Recovery. Smart seems to be more logic-based of the 2. I am not exactly sure about WFS exactly, but it seems more private and centered on female concerns in overcoming addiction. I hope you find this info helpful! – DW
Geez! My writing sucks when I multi-task! I have to get back to work!