It’s spiraling out of control

Living in tornado valley, there’s always the calm before the storm. You can try to predict it, and hide from it. You can try and move, but eventually it finds you. You can try to stay where you are, and prepare for it. Sometimes that works, and other times it’s as if it was for nothing. Stand up and swear at it, dare it to come at you head on. Dare it to swallow you whole. Does any of it even matter or make a difference. The people not in the storm front, will never understand what it’s like. So it’s futile to even try to explain it or have them comprehend what you’ve been through.

I don’t know if funny is the correct wording I’d want to use, but it’s funny how everyone’s life varies. Some people seem to have such smooth sailing. Hardly a care in the world. Just sailing along in calm waters. Every desire or need seems to be met accordingly for the most part. All the while my ship is being thrashed about in the perpetual storm, clinging onto what remains. Just praying or hoping for any flicker of light from a lighthouse. Just any sign of hope to keep me holding onto what little remains of this lost vessel. Because this storm has taken every ounce of energy, strength and determination out of me. It takes more to hold on than to let go and give up. And I’ve been holding on and fighting for much of my life.

In short, my world is crashing down around me. Everything that can go wrong, is going wrong. I’m struggling so bad to stay afloat. I work 40+ hours a week and yet I’m barely making a living. Struggling paycheck to paycheck. I haven’t been able to sleep lately, I’ve overslept three days in July already. Today being one, I woke up so late I just said forget it. I didn’t bother to go in. I just made an excuse and emailed my boss. I think it’s fair to say either way I’m likely to get wrote up. Emotionally I’m a wreck. I’m so physically exhausted. I hardly have the energy in the mornings to get out of bed and get dressed. I might as well be climbing a mountain. Relationship wise, I think it’s fair to say I’m no good for anyone in my current state. Yet I still have the love of my gf whom I’m surprised she hasn’t given up on me. I’ve neglected myself. I’ve quit taking care of myself. Not that it matters, I feel like I’m a monster to most people. I feel like an ogre, stared at when I’m not looking. Avoided when I am.

I’ve tried to break out of my normal routine. I’ve been trying my hardest to give life a shot, but to no avail. It seems to all be done in vain. I had given up. I text the person whom I thought would completely understand. We’ve always been there for each other like that. She knows how it feels. Instead of saying she understood, or she wished I wouldn’t for any number of reasons. She just told my family via facebook. I mean I guess she cares enough to try and stop me, but I just don’t know why she couldn’t try and talk me out of it. Instead of going to my family. Of course I downplayed it and BS’ed my way out of the truth. And now me and that friend hardly talk anymore. I don’t know if shes mad because I lied to my family about it, and made her feel stupid. Regardless, I thought she’d still be my friend. I’ve had her back in times of need. She’s really the only one I’ve been able to relate to and felt like we understood each other. I guess not. She didn’t even bother to text me or facebook me a Happy Birthday. I guess I should be use to feeling alone, but now I truly know what it is to be alone.

I’d like to think I’ve reached rock bottom, and there’s no where to go but up. Just isn’t the case though….