My story.

Well, I am going to write about what has occurred in my life; when my depression started etcetera. I don’t really care if someone reads this or not, I just really need to write it down. I was in a abusive friendship with a girl who lived 3 doors down from my house. I met her when I 3 years old and stayed best friends with her for 10 years. I know what you are thinking. An abusive friendship from the ages of 3-13? Well this “friendship” contained of me feeling like complete and utter crap 24/7 because of the friend mentally destroying me (intensely I may add) and literally physically hurting me. But the friend was very smart about it because she always made it seem like accidents. It was until the age of 12 I realized what shes been doing.  Again, you are probably thinking, “Why didn’t you just stop being friends with her?” Aha. I couldn’t. I was too afraid. She made me think I needed her. But our friendship was always a competition to see who was better. The sad part is that I actually thought we were true friends. But I believe, if I haven’t met her then, I wouldn’t have gotten this way. I became depressed at the age of 11, when I first cut myself. I always really hated myself. Its hard  for me to think about how much I hated myself even from ages 6-10. I just find it so hard to believe someone so young could have so much hate. But it happened to me. I am still depressed. From the ages of 11-13, I was extremely depressed and bipolar. I was extremely outgoing and would always joke, be a class clown, lighten people’s moods, but I would only do so during school hours because school was the only thing that made me happy. I would come home everyday, sleep all the time, not eat, get into fights with my family, not speak to my family and cry myself to sleep every night. When I was 13 and a half, I became bulimic. Lost a lot of weight without anyone knowing. That made me stop cutting. It was more like, when I’m bulimic I don’t cut and when I cut I’m not bulimic. So yeah aha, bulimia all the time for one year. I remember throwing up dinners the nights of my graduation ceremony, dinner and dance… How sad is that, I don’t want your pitty or anything but no one should have to do that for “special occasions”. The summer of my 14th year, right before the first year of high school, I was EXTREMELY depressed. A daily routine would be, sleeping at 7am, waking up at 10am, eating breakfast, throwing up, going on my laptop to play games, nap, eat, throw up, nap, cut, game, sleep. Its funny how NO ONE, no one at all noticed. Obviously, that lead me to having extreme hatred on myself. The first semester of grade 9, I had very bad anxiety. I made about 3 new friends. Only had 3 others that I am close to. And every day in class, I had this feeling of my stomach being flipped over and my heart sinking. 24/7. Second semester was better, I hadn’t cut since the end of summer and I gained 15 pounds. My bulimia came and went but it was controlled. I only did it every two weeks. I did it this one week, my sister found the wrappers of the food and told my mom because I told my mom I used to cut and throw up. But she was frustrated and told my father. They yelled at me for weeks. They were so mad. Yelling saying i wasn’t fat (even thought they called me fat..). How is that comforting at all. It was the most uncomfortable experience… until I cut again because my friend didn’t want to be my friend anymore and my best friend took his side defending him..   My sister then again told my mom because she saw the cuts. My mom grabbed my arm and was pulling me. I was begging. I was begging her to not show my dad. But she didn’t listen and once more. I got yelled at. I received no comfort at all. And my friends don’t get it. They just think I used to be depressed and that I cut sometimes. I never tell them everything. I’m not even saying everything here but its just so hard to communicate how i feel and its way to long. Now grade nine is over. And I’m feeling the stomach flipped, heart sinking feeling again. I really, really want to kill myself. I’ve attempted it before. My friends and family don’t even know about that… I really feel like I will do it this summer. Whoever reads this may be thinking, “Why be depressed if other people have it harder” well, for those who are thinking that, you are basically saying, “Why be happy if other people have it better”. I just don’t know how to deal with anything anymore. And I’m only 15. My only goal really is to become the best mom out there but I don’t even think i can make it to being a mom without killing myself first. Honestly, I just want to kill myself right this second. I don’t even really know what the point of this post is.