I feel cornered.
The past six years of my life, I’ve been telling myself it will get better. My friends, my family, the various therapists I’ve been to, they all say the same thing: it will get better.
But now that I’m here, I realize it’s not going to get better. I’m going to be crippled by this black hole in my mind for the rest of my life. There’s no cure. I’m not interested in leading a life marked by this strange, hellish pain. I’m too tired to put up with it anymore. As much as I want to love my life, there’s simply no fight left in me.
Last month I learned that my financial aid for school wasn’t going to be enough. I’m about to lose my pathetic job, and through innumerable job applications and interviews I’ve learned that further employment is a pipe dream. I’m barely paying rent, and affording substantial, healthy food is becoming an obsolete option. My family wants to help me, but they’re in just as bad of a position. My dad had cancer a few years ago and they’re still struggling to pay the hospital bills (on top of the debt they already have). Neither I nor my family will be able to make it out of this disgusting cycle of poverty, we will never live safe and comfortable lives.
I’m a burden to the few friends I have. I always have to ask them for rides, if they can help pay for stuff when we go out (the few times that does happen), and I’m always sulking, worrying about my life instead of being a fun and enjoyable person around them. My boyfriend and I were living together, making rent and living expenses a bit easier for me, but he left two months ago and I’m alone in our shoebox apartment.
I need to get out. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live anymore. I don’t have the kind of money to just pick myself up and start a new life, so I’ll just have to hope I end up with a nice afterlife (if it’s real).
There’s only one way out.