Red Red Wine

I feel like I’m only attractive for mosquitos, right now. I’ve been having a terrible day. But who cares ? Really. Nobody does. When I don’t have any specific drama to tell to people, I have no right to be depressed. I probably invent myself a mental illness just to get attention. Yeah. Why not.

I’m kinda drunk. I know it’s dumb. I don’t even like to drink. It a self-destructive pattern. I wanna be damaged enough so people will say, “right yeah, I understand why you would give up, I would too. “

lol. Like it’s possible. People are all liars and they try to make us believe that we live in a beautiful world full of hope and possibilities. That I can achieve anything. But they’re all unhappy and they’re just some society’s robots who repeat what they’ve been taught.

-“Life is short.” Lol. It feels like an endless bad day, to be honest.

-“Time makes things better”. Well sometimes it makes it worst.

-“The sun will shine again”. The rain will fall again.

-“You’re strong”. Maybe. But this might be stronger.

-“You’re important to me”. Oh. Please. Stop that bullshit.

I can’t help it. No matter how hard I try to feel better and be more confident about my worth… I always end up in this state. I feel useless. Untouched. Unloved. I can’t see the positive things. It’s all trapped into my stifling cloud. Everything is just dark. Even the light. Even the smiles.

I’m empty. And there’s no way to fill myself alone. It never lasts. I’m in a pathetic place where I realize I prefer to suffer from loving someone than feeling nothing for anyone. I need some fuel. I need to invest myself, cause I can’t feel safe and comfortable all by myself.

Well yes. I’ve been saying that I should not drink anymore, lately. People seems to think I’m just saying crap. Or I need a “problem” to get attention. Cause yes, I can live without alcohol. It’s fucking easy. I never get more than 2 drinks when I go out. Society doesn’t describe this as a problem, I agree. But I just need 2 sip of wine to lose all my meds effects. To get back in my depressing bubble. I’m so fragile. My mental health could snap at any second. I’ve been making a lot of efforts to avoid that, but maybe I should stop trying to control everything. Maybe I’m meant to be crazy. Lol.

Yeah. Right. This is the most boring post.