Tired and done entry 1

Today I had to see the doctor. He upped my medication. I went about my errands ignoring the everyday,past and future stresses that plague my mind, constant racing to be on work on time, get paid this week, please my loved one and not crash and burn. The bustle on the other hand gives my life substance but I feel a balance will fall askew. My job in sales gives me a certain social interaction I have craved in my life but it has also shown me the harsh truth about human kind and their mindset. People and their brains are easily manipulated and like a computer it can be programmed and there is nothing unique or special left. Human interaction is a game, a dance in a way. Nothing is fluid and free. I have lost a cash paying job because of my pessimism, my current position in a sports promotion company as a lowly beggar pays meagrely. I am the only breadwinner in my house and it has become a major struggle to maintain my life, a good relationship and a optimistic outlook on life. I am tired and spent, bad memories constantly swim in my head making me feel extremely ashamed and unworthy because of past actions and behaviour. I tend to turn the ceiling fan off and take out a rope from my plastic utensil tub “just in case” after my loved one has retired for bed. Usually I see some slither to carry on but it gets smaller every-time. I sit and wait like a duck for the time it’s all gone. I’m only 22 and I already know my road is too long to carry on. I have had these thoughts since 13, 9 long years I have seen doctors of varying kinds and taken many medications. I truly feel like I don’t know how to act or function in a normal society. I’m very much done.