I was in a chatroom on social media
and i saw those words
‘i feel like dying’
shit
thats not what the website is for
so i tell them
‘call the suicide hotline’
they disregard me
a person message
‘stoop her’
stoop her?
im so confused now
‘stop her,shes my girlfriend’
shit
what am i supposed to do now?
so i set up a little personal package
dont die
suicidal numbers
truths
sigh
send
there
i fixed everything,right?
10 minutes
30
nothing
Wait–
Something!
‘Has she responded yet’
Oh
No
And now im going back
To that one place
That one place where i
pull my hair
and cant breathe
and feel like letting it all out
literally
just opening my mouth and letting my organs flow
a shake and heave
and start my same habit in a different place
and think about starting that old habit in the same place,the place with so many different colors
as if the scars had left a rainbow
and i focus back
to that moment
where i thought
”I killed a stranger”
even me now
with the over eating disorder
is too scared to eat
sorry,dragon of night
sorry i wasnt the dawn that awoke you out of darkness
and in my loathing
those thoughts came back
worse than any sad or angry thought
worse than anything
the voice that is the very embodiment of negativity
”population control kid.good job.”
no!
i never wanted death
and those thoughts
lead to other thoughts
thoughts i care not for
and with that
im hungry
2 comments
You can’t save people. How old are you? The level of maturity needs to be stepped up some. People are free and have free will and will do things that make you upset. Not being able to reach someone in time is definitely something to be upset about but you have to understand that it’s their choice. Whether or not you feel it’s the right one, is irrelevant to them. Reassure yourself that you did what was needed. Plus, some friend she’s got there. I know if I was chocking my friends would rush to give me the heimlich. They wouldn’t look to the first person just laying around and scream “help!”. You did what you could but unfortunately, people need to be the masters of their own life. Seems like you can barely contain your own issues let alone save someone’s life.
As a poem…beautiful, and has an excellent hook. You are a talented writer. Don’t ever give up.
As an actual personal narrative its you need to know you can’t take the burden of everyone’s lives on your shoulders. People make their own choices. We should respect them. But yes- you could try to help make a difference, give someone an alternative…which even here you did… but you can’t force anyone to do anything. Even in those last few seconds she had someone reaching out for her but she refused to do it. Her choice. She chose to die.