Hi, everyone. I just joined this site. I just NEED to tell someone about my feelings. I’m 15, male, and ready to die. I haven’t lived a hard life, so some might find me selfish, Whatever. I’ve been fighting my depression for four years now, I had counseling once, and I felt better for a while. But it didn’t last. I’m ugly, boring, and not always a good person outside, but hidden deep within myself is the heart of a saint. And this cold, dark world has chewed me up, spit me out, and pissed on the remains. My family is a good one, My mom, aunt, and brother are all good people. But I feel like they don’t love me. My brother has to be one of my favorite people and I enjoy playing games with him. But I usually have to beg for weeks to get him to do anything with me. He always makes me feel like hanging out with me is a chore. My mom doesn’t show favoritism, but I can tell that she feels it. My aunt is just the type of person I don’t get along with, and she has no problem expressing it. When I do something nice for them they act like I’m trying to manipulate them.This is never the case and while I may be smiling and even laughing, inside I’m crying . My “friends” are people who talk at me rather than with me. One of them, a girl, sent a love letter to me a few months ago. I replied in a positive manner and SHE REJECTED ME. The next day she pretended that nothing happened and even talked to me like she didn’t just sucker punch my heart. That was the day my heart shattered. I don’t know how anyone could be so cold. Every time I start to feel comfortable in a social setting, somebody is rude to me for no reason and I retreat back into my shell. I constantly feel alone no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing. My heart is in pain constantly. No one knows of my current suicidal thoughts and I intend to keep it that way. Luckily I’m quite the liar when I need to be. I typed this while my mom was in the same room and she was clueless. Anyway, I feel like a being born into this world by mistake and boy do I feel unwelcome. Everyday I think to myself, “I wish I could just leave” I have been unsuccessful in the dating scene and my gut tells me that I will live alone no matter what I do. There is one girl I like, but I know it will never happen and I won’t dare say a thing to her. She’s better off not even knowing about my feelings anyway. I am terrified of being alone, but solitude is my future and I’m to afraid to live through it. This world has given me plenty of reasons to commit suicide, but I was already born with a reason. There is a darkness inside of me. A horrifying darkness that I can’t control. I’m amazed I’ve made this far without giving in fully to it. It claws at my being crying to be freed from the prison I’ve made for it. This darkness is so foul, my own family would see me killed if they found out about it. I HAVE TO KEEP IT FROM ESCAPING. It will die with me and I will finally be free from its grasp. I haven’t attempted suicide yet, but intend to as soon as I can legally acquire a gun. I could use another method, but this world has given me enough pain, there is no reason my death has to add to it. I am ready and willing, and merely biding my time on this earth until I am able.
Sorry if this post looks weird. I have little experience with posting things with these tools. ( I know, very odd for a teenager.)
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3 comments
You’re only 15, it’s too early to say whether your life is worth living or not. When I was your age everywhere I went people called me ugly but after working on my appearance and going to the gym for a few months it stopped. That’s one of your biggest stumbling blocks and you can fix it.
When it comes to being boring, you’re currently limited by the sum of your experiences, knowledge and social interaction. When you’re more confident in yourself and your depression lifts, this will be less of a problem. I find that reading helps a lot to discover my own interests and personality.
When it comes to depression, there comes a point where you’re no longer able to manage it yourself and medication is needed. Only you can decide when but I’d use them as a last resort, if I knew I were to die without. They can be used to turn your life around. But definitely, you haven’t tried enough to be sure it’s right yet.
Hey, Solarion. With all due respect to Disenchanted, you’re insightful, intelligent, and the only human being who has any right to assign value to your own life. People will tell you up until you’re too old to be any value to them that you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, as if that were a valid argument against drawing conclusions about your life. I’m not advocating doing anything, but I am highlighting your exclusive right to decide what your life is worth to you. We are the only people living our own lives, so no one else’s decisions should trump our own decisions about our own lives.
It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain. Does anything help? I’m older than you (24) and have a younger brother (21), and I also get a lot out of hanging out with him, but like yours, mine also treats that like a chore. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could find and choose our own families? But only if everybody got people to love and who’d love them in turn.
I also feel like you on the romance front. My brother’s a drop dead gorgeous guy, and girls flock to him like pigeons to seeds on the ground. He got all the looks, and girls have always treated me just like you described that girl who crushed your heart. Man, that hurts–and I mean that from shared experience.
And like you described, I also have a darkness inside me that I’ve been struggling against. Therapists haven’t been helpful in taming it, either. I don’t know what advice to offer–because I don’t know that there is a way to fix us, like a mechanic fixes a broken tractor. You’re right that the world gives us plenty of reasons to leave. And people who’ve stuck around suffering rationalize their suffering as being tough, being resilient. Good for them. That doesn’t have to define us, or maybe we’re tough in other ways they’re not.
Anyhow, I don’t mean to make you feel worse. I wanted you to know someone else totally gets it. And many of us won’t insult your intelligence and self knowledge by telling you you’re “only 15.” People told me that when I was 13, 14, 15…, too, as if they were certain I’d become more like them as I grew older. Don’t ever let someone else silence your voice, man. Don’t ever let them make you feel ignorant or small or less than. Your views are just as valid as anyone else’s. Never let them take that away from you. Remember, if they had the answers, depression and cognitive pain would no longer be–or at least they’d be on a major decline. But they’re not. Because no one has any objective answers.
You’re not alone. And your feelings and views matter just as much as those of any of us.
Thanks. It helps to know that someone understands.