it’ll be ok

ok i would first like to say that this site blew me away and i was so impressed that so many people were able to come together and relate through some of the hardest things in their life.

so, whats going on in my life…let me start from the beginning and by saying THANK YOU to anyone who actually reads this whole thing haha. in all seriousness– my father is an alcoholic and is bipolar, i honestly hate labels because i feel like theyre a false representation of a person. yes he is an alcoholic, but when hes sober, hes great. when i was 9 yrs old his drinking was the worst…everyday hed come home drunk and he and my mom would fight until my mom was crying. id sit at the top of the stairs, listening. i know i know i probably sound like everyother person ever who has divorced parents but it really did effect me. he never hurt me but im honestly not convinced he never hurt, like physically, my mom. i have a lot of bad memories from that time but more recentlyyy

the summer going into 8th grade i got home from sleep away camp and my dad had left. i saw it coming but i guess i just didnt want to believe my family was being teared apart. He came back and is apart of my life but i mainly live with my mom. for a while it was so awkward with my dad. I was so angry for him for abandoning us, making us move, tearing my fmily apart but looking back i think im better off for it.

i reached out to many people during this time, i wasnt used to handling such drastic changes so quickly. i told someone something i truly regret and i felt so lonely and sad nd unloved at one point that i wrapped the wire of my headphones around my neck. in that moment i wanted to die, i wanted to escape the pain, the pressure, the challenge but i stoped. my face turned pulled, and i though of my younger cousins, the kids i babysat, i though of all them and how they would react while being told of what i did. i knew they wouldnt be proud, i couldnt follow through even though it was what i needed, or what i thought i needed at the time.

sometimes i wonder if i did it for attention, because i told my counselor about it(which resulted in my parents knowing). thats what makes me wonder, she never sent me to the hospital or anything but to me it was real, i wanted to die and i didnt want to have to face the reality of what was going on in my life

later on that year i found out that my dad was cheating on my mom which made me so angry but i couldnt tell ym mom, it would hurt her too much, and there was noooo way i could confront my dad (i went searching through his room and found love letters) then over that summer i went back to sleepaway camp. i had a breakdown halfway through. partically because i didnt want to go home, because it ws a year since he had left, and i talked to the counselor in my cabin and ever since then we have been very good friends 🙂

during 9th grade one major thing that happened was that a good frind of mine was suicidal. i told him about what i went through because i knew it would help to know someone else has felt similarily. he and i have been super close ever since and im so lucky hes here today because he is my absolute best friend, its very hard having a friend who is suicidal but put yourself n their shoes, they need o feel loved, to know they matter and to not feel alone anymore.

yes. i still strugle. there are times i wish i could disappear and i think the world would be better without me. i have my insecurities, i dont feel like i deserve the friends i havem the life i have. i know there are so many people out there experiencing so many worse and harder things so i feel guilty for struggling so much with such small things.

my point in writing this is to show that THERE IS A WAY OUT. I know where youve been (somewhat) and i know its hard. you feel consumed and swallowed up. you feel like no one is on your side and like no one will every wnt to help you but guess what? they do. you just need to tell a responsible adult and it will be hard, i had to write it dwn down but just know this doesnt have to be the end, it could be a new beginning.