I’ve just seen this site and registered as I know it’s somewhere no one who knows me would look.
I have battled with depression for a really long time now. I did have a couple of years of respite, but over the last 5 years, it’s becoming more difficult to manage.
Pretty much everyone I know knows I suffer from depression but just recently and up to this day I have kept to what degree from them. The last year or so has been especially difficult as I lost my father and my mother has become hostile towards me. She has always been protective and has frowned on most of my life decisions, so we have grown further apart.
I was made redundant 4 years ago from a job that was well paid, although towards the end, I felt that the management was trying to bully me out, maybe to avoid paying redundancy. I found another job, only to be sacked after two months of employment – the grounds for my dismissal were completely fabricated, however as I was only there for two months I had no ability to defend myself. I have now been working at a company for two and a half years, but I have had no salary reviews and I have to deal with crappy people. I have been told basically that the pay situation will never change – I will remain on the same salary until I leave. I have desperately been looking for other employment, but there is nothing to go to.
It is especially depressing for me as pretty much everyone I know earns more and is able to live comfortably. I know full well I am being materialistic, but when you have to listen to people going on about the house they bought, the holidays they are going on, etc it really wears me down. This month, I went £200 overdrawn on my account, just to fix my car so I can go to work and earn a crappy wage. My wife pretty much paid for our holiday this year and it was really nice, but I really feel I cannot realistically contribute and it makes me feel really inferior.
I have been really thinking things over and over and I keep coming back to the conclusion that it is me that is the problem and my existence just causes my misery. I’m sure that my friends and family would think I’m selfish for thinking this way, but I can’t help the way I feel. Most of my day is filled with jealousy, heartache, misery. I have to put on an act for people – especially at work, where my miserable attitude has been noticed. I have had the “buck up your ideas” speech from my boss and or HR department so now I wear a stupid plastic grin.
Things became really bad at the start of the year as I was trying to sort my mum out due to the death of my father as she quite plainly expressed he hatred of my wife. I had to listen to this and then return home to my wife and keep quiet as I didn’t want her to know what was going on. I became withdrawn and she felt like I was pushing her away and our relationship became next to over. We are still together, but I have had to make decisions that are heartbreaking for me as I do not talk to my mother, although she keeps sending letters as it’s the only way she can contact me.
I realise the only I can change my life, but I’ve had enough now. I think after so many things go wrong in your life and all you can think about is that, then it’s time to go. I hate life. It hasn’t been anything but cruel to me. I feel like others taunt me with their achievements (I know that’s not what they mean to do but that’s how I feel.) I feel I’ve been left behind by everyone. I feel alone in my own world of misery and despair.
I have been to the doctors and am on medication, but I’m sure they now think I’m an attention seeker, but nothing could be farther from the truth. I want to be left alone. I have done nothing to earn my place in life and it now shows in everything around me. I don’t take pride in my appearance because it’s all for nothing. I can’t fake success if it’s not there, so I would rather show the world what a failure I’ve become and receive the taunts as I have surely deserved them.
I can’t think what I have done in life for this to happen, so the fact it has happened must surely mean I deserve it, like fate was going to lead me here eventually, regardless on how well I lived my life. I would have killed myself already, if I wasn’t such a coward. People keep saying it’s braver to live, but why live in a world you just don’t fit in? I’ve felt that way for a very long time, I’ve been bullied at both school and in work for being different and maybe I don’t belong here and maybe I never did. It’s like I was born into hell and maybe when I die it will be over…
I now keep wishing everyday to die. If I can’t kill myself, maybe I will have a heart attack so it does the job for me.
3 comments
I know how you feel. When I was a teenager I just went with the regular flow. I went out with friends and partied and enjoyed music and concerts and girfriends. THings seemed easy back then at that age. Now its decades later and Im 42 and things are hard. I had a good job years ago but lost it. I live on very limited means right now and I dont even have a car because I got into a car accident 11 months ago and totalled it and also fractured my neck in 2 places had surgery dislocated my shoulder and messed up my hip joint. I cant walk far and I have to use 2 canes to push me along as I go. I have a hard time keeping a girlfriend becuase Im disabled and on limited means so women who come to like me dont stay around for too long.
I know what you mean when the success of others can make you feel small. My Dad is sucessful, my brother is married and has a chid and has a great job and is sucessful. Me Im a suicidal disaled guy barely making it mnth buy month and I suffer depression over it all.
I really do feel like it would be better for me to just check out but I had a few suicide attempts before and I failed and made things worse for me. Now I am more researched and prepared for it now and I believe the next time I try I will be sucessful. In the meanttime I am hopeing things will change for the better.
I hope things change for you too and that you fidn hapiness
good luck
Hey sixgunz, (I like the name by the way)
I am sorry to hear the things you are saying. I can relate to some of it. I don’t work for much anymore. I use to make good money. The place I’m working at now. The owner himself even asked me why I was working for him. Not in the sense he didn’t want me to or that I wasn’t doing well for him. Quite the opposite. I work too well for him if that’s even possible and he can tell that I could be and should be doing so much more. I know it myself. But there just nothing else I personally can do about it right now. Though the pay won’t get better and what not where I am at, I at least know what I’m doing is appreciated. When he asked me that I simply told him that as long as it’s beneficial for you, you will keep me around. And as long as it’s beneficial for me, I will stay around. He knew this meant it was only temporary till I find “my big break” and he said that irks for him and that he will take care of me as much as he can till then. He has become a really good friend actually. He even took me out fishing on a boat with him and a manager the other day. One way he helped me with better pay, is by bringing me into some poker games at his house lol. Sounds stupid, but he knows I could use the money and I’m not an idiot and can hold my own in a card game, and I made two days wage in one night the last time. So he is not in position to pay me better, but he personally buys my lunch often and helps me with side income by setting me up for working with other associates of his when I’m not working for him. It’s working out. But it’s still not enough. I can’t support myself fully yet and nothing feels worse then that. Me and my mom were having….communication problems before. I was the one trying to contact her, and she would answer and wouldn’t reply for 2 years. It’s sucked. Bad. But without her help now, I would barely be eating noodles and rice everyday. (It’s what I did on college for years….sucked). So ya I’m grateful for the assurance now, but it also complicates things a little. Cause the two years of ridiculousness before is still prevalent in my mind, and I didn’t even need the help then. Maybe…..I dunno. If you and your moms relationship is cut off by your end….I don’t know your situation all the way through so I am not saying it’s your fault or anything…..but maybe you should try to reach out and find a way to repair that a lil if possible. I would have been grateful to anyone advising my own mother this during those two years before, but no one was there to do that…..
At least you have a wife who cares……..
More than I can say.
You should live for that reason alone.
Reserve suicide for the truly worthless out there (like me).