This story is 100% batshit nut TRUE STORY. and its pretty queer and peculiar but here it goes……I NEVER thought I would be so unhappy in life but I realized shit hit the fan in my life from the beginning ….
BOTH of my parents conceived me in the state mental hospital and I was born in 1988 and was adopted
I have been homeless for over 2 years since 2011. and I tried to commit suicide 4 times too. I suffered a lot of emotional torture from being a crossdressing punk rocker who was raised in a adopted close minded conservative home , that I moved out of in 2006. I got made fun of a lot in the homeless shelter for being a crossdresser and actually tattooed the word stupid ****** onto my right arm just too shock the fucking shit out of people & I didn’t care what they thought about me. and it actually worked too.
I actually tattoed myself beause I really hated being transgender and never thought that I would end wanting to crossdress like that and also because I wanted to shock people with my crazy tattoo. but now that tattoo is making me feel really depressed and suicidal so I am having it removed.
AMAZINGLY though , I DID NOT feel that way about my tattoo until recently.
I also have borderline personality disorder like my parents who both have mental illnesses too and cant seem to be happy and have been like this since 2010. when I lost my job due to my depression.
I have admitted myself to psychiatric hospitals and had terrible side effects from about 17 different psych. medications I took between 1995-2014. I don’t take any psych meds now though. because of a little brain damage from taking them.
I think about suicide ALL day long EVERY single day. However I do believe that suffering teaches me WISDOM the same way as in Buddhism and eastern culture.
Without Suffering I learn NOTHING. So if someone is reading this . just be glad your not me and if your suicidal like me. just know that life can always be waaaaay fucking worse than it probably is for you OR me right now.
and right now I am staying with some open minded family and I hope I can remain unhomeless for as long as possible.
However sometimes I still feel very ambivalent with my suicidal thoughts even with mantras life still seems OVERWHELMINGLY DIFFICULT for me and YOU. but I think that T.V and fucking fairy tail movies and media make us think that life is supposed to be easy . when YOU and me know its NOT.
LIFE is NOT supposed to be easy for ANYONE or ANYTHING.
I hope this helps me by writing this and I maybe I can inspire someone else to think more deeply about being suicidal. and if not I hoped you thought it was at least interesting.
3 comments
I know its difficult being transgender and a crossdresser,and how hurtful people can be.I hope you can stay off th street now and have a stable home.I did want to tell you-You are not destined to be miserable and crazy just because your parents are mentally ill.You dont have to embrace and become what others have told you you are. Its not inevitable that you will crack and kill yourself…You can live and practice the pursuit of happiness:)Youre quite right-life is not easy and the pain teaches us .Mistakes teach us. I have learned a LOT the hard way-lol-im hard headed ,but it still hurt. ..you sound like a tough person.A Survivor ..
At 2 different times in my life I got to now some transgender people and they both had it rough one way or the other. I am sorry to hear that you have had such a toug life. I have never become homeless but I got close a coouple of timess and if it wasnt for friends and famiy I would have wound up homeless and suicidal too. I am sorry to hear that your parent were both mentally ill and I am sure that has has a negative effect on you as well. We each have our struggles. I have had like 6 sicide attempts and have had it rugh too. Well I hope things get better for you. I hope your able to find a place to live were you can fit in and have some hapiness good uck
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I have no friends at all in my life anymore. So I feel like this site is the only place right now for me to feel understood with suicidal feelings. and yes its true I made some difficult choices and mistakes but your right because I learned ALOT from making those mistakes. and I couldn’t have learned to appreciate my life if I had not of made them.