My son is 18, he lives elsewhere, I’ve been a deadbeat mum due to something called bipolar disorder which rendered me incapable of making good decisions. I should have had my son adopted, my mum stepped in but later on she stepped right out and put my son into care at 8 while I had yet another psychotic breakdown. There is no dad for my child. He was psychotic, paranoid, a drug taker, denied paternity after refusing to use a condom for the one time we had sex.
Friends and relatives have good relationships with their kids, they were wanted and planned. Kills me inside.
The guilt and grief over my son makes me want to top myself more than anything else does.
My reason to live is also my reason to die.
He won’t work, claim benefits or go to college, he says he’ll go to shut us up, I don’t hold my breath, he’s promised things before and not delivered. He will probably get thrown out of his foster home if he doesn’t go…maybe, just maybe it will be the incentive he needs.
My life has been unbearable even with a good education and upbringing behind me. I fear I have fucked up my son’s life worse than my own was fucked up…and actually my parents loved and wanted me, my mum was not psychotic when she had me and wasn’t knocked up by a guy she met in the mental hospital. My mum is an amazing person, I’ve always felt in her shadow, however she let us down badly by putting my son into care, why did she do it? Ah, fuck knows. I moved heaven and earth to get him back, that wasn’t enough, I could never be enough, it wasn’t fair to expect that of me…
My mum phones me, I hate speaking to her, she rattles on about my brother and his successful sons, she has no idea how it makes me feel and I haven’t the heart to tell her, I just nod and smile and say uhuh.
Tell me, should I live or die for my son?
Can’t bear the torture of seeing my mum’s face (she’s 82) at my funeral…and in the afterlife (if there is one and unfortunately I believe there is) that will be my worst punishment. Never mind what it’ll do to my son which I don’t like to even think about.
I bitterly resent the position I’m in, resent being born a woman (how would this ever happen to a man? Look how my son’s ‘father’ got off scot free).
And is my life really so terribly bad? I have a beautiful home, plenty of government benefits, feel worthless and a burden on society…
Am taking on voluntary work to try and give something back and to have something to fill my empty days. Isolated myself from all friends except two. Attempting to come off two psych meds, my only hope of ever losing the excess weight I put on.
I apologise if this is incoherent. I already know what I ‘should’ do. As usual this is probably an unanswerable post, got it all bottled up inside, keep people at arm’s length, always have, yet always so hurt by rejection.
Someone please answer my post even a one liner, don’t give me the humiliation of a big zero. Love to you all, I read all your posts, just feel I have nothing worthwhile to say most of the time. Social anxiety even online. Never fit in anywhere. Ugh, this post makes no sense. Please pardon me for breathing.
15 comments
Everyone has their demons, unfortunately yours happened to effect your son. But, you can’t blame yourself for that. I have absolutely nothing to offer other that first couple of lines. It was a bad combination of events, that if replayed, would have likely gone the same way. I’m here for you seppuku.
It’s a start by just letting it out, and thank you for trusting us with something so personal. Hopefully writing it all out can help curb the emotion even a little bit. I am so so sorry you are suffering right now. I really wish I could make it better for you. I am sad that you have to go through all this and feel all these unbearable emotions. I wish there was more I could do. But I digress, you have every right to be here, despite whatever past circumstances, you have every right to your life if you want it.
Ah, thank you guys! You saved me the unbearable pain of a big zero, lol. I’m paranoid about being boring and unlikeable…
Alum, I’m actually OK right now. First thing in the morning is my favourite time. I get to mess about on the computer, drinking coffee and tea and vaping my electronic cigarette, with no pressure to participate in the endless drudgery of life. Then 8.30am strikes. I can ignore the world no longer and must venture forth once again, even when there’s fuck all to do.
Stabbymike, you are cool, I am here for you too for what that’s worth (not a whole lot most of the time lol).
Thanks seppuku. You have more of a presence on here than you think. Yours is one of the names I look for while skimming through when I first log on.
Same here seppuku, I definitely value what you bring to this site. And no worries, you are very likable.
Aww, so sweet stabby. Sorry to call you that, it’s more interesting than Mike though lol. I like your posts too.
No kidding. And once again thanks.
Bless you alum. I really appreciate the affirmation.
No problem 🙂
I remember you called me a hero… Nah, that’d be you. Thank you for doing the best that you could with the capabilities you had available at the time. Best of luck with everything and thanks for reading all our stories – even just this simple acknowledgement says so much. I was thinking of doing some volunteer work if I ever recover as well, so good on you for doing that.
Be well, and all the best to you.
Your post made me cry,Seppuku.Im am sorry for the pain and obligation and guilt and shame that is thrust upon all mothers ,like yourself,who werent prepared.You know by now that your bipolar disorder is crippling at times and impulsive insanity at others,and that it is a real problem.Not a problem stemming from any moral failure….It sounds like he needs you,though.Hes 18,and can go to live where he chooses now-in America he could-idk if its diff for you guys.Could you not get him now? Be there for him now. Its not too late,dear.It is living amends to be the mother u wanted to be to him now.You cannot change the past,but must push forward. I totally relate to the feelings you have about your siblings doing so fuckall fantastic and successful,and feeling like a failure.Thats the disease of comparison at work-its quite sickening and it fosters discontent and low self worth.Reject it. You are not a failure.You have clearly overcome a lot of issues and now feel well often enough to volunteer somewhere-thats great! Youre ready for your second act,my dear. Im an addict and have struggled a couple times with not putting my kids first.I was able to make things right ,by doing things better from that point forward.You are such an empathic woman,and so kind to others.I know you are a good person-it comes through in whatever you write….You’ll always be his mother..but if you cant be his mother in the traditional sense-living with him and caretaking-you can be his friend.You can be there much more so now,than you could before. You MUST work on letting go of the guilt and shame you have from having to give him up .It only poisons you,dear.Forgive yourself.Make living amends-not only to him,but to yourself,by treating yourself well. I hope you can.
hi, i enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing this. We appreciate your presence here. (sorry for sounding robotic)
Seppuku, you have a lot of worthwhile things to say. In fact, you are one of my favorite people on here.
I ‘m not sure what to suggest about your son though I think misanthrope might have the right idea by suggesting that if being your son’s mother is not an option, maybe being your son’s friend can establish a better relationship between the two of you and help you from feeling guilty about the events in his life. Showing that you do really care might have a positive effect for both of you.
Wow, I only just read your responses guys, I’m overwhelmed by your kindness. Copeless – why, thank you! Good to see you’re still around, I know what you go through, you still reach out to others, that makes you a good person.
Ssg, thanks!
Shephard, means a lot.
Misanthrope, thank you for your kindness, I guess you can empathise being a mum yourself. Actually my son chose to live with this foster family…he said living with me is a ‘last resort’ lol! He has a good relationship with the foster mum (technically she is no longer that as he is 18). But I am afraid he will put too much of a strain on it if he doesn’t get off his laptop and out into the world to study and prepare for adult life.
He chooses not to have contact with me or his grandmother most of the time. Occasionally he will ask me for financial help, and when the mood takes him he will talk for hours on the phone, but lately the calls have fallen off and we’ve not had any news.
There’s a limit to what I can do. But everything I do to better my own life benefits him too. I was pretty suicidal for about six months and have only recently felt better and more hopeful (the voluntary work is helping). Coming off the meds isn’t easy but slowly and surely I think I will manage it (my docs want me off them because of the risks to my physical health). Once I’m safely off them I can really concentrate on losing the excess weight. That would raise my confidence and self-esteem no end.
In terms of my mental health I’ve not been psychotic or hospitalised for about three and a half years now. Since I was struck down with this disorder 20 years ago I have slowly learned to cope with and manage it, to the point where I now have the insight to know when I’m becoming unwell, and can get help to stave it off. The almost constant depression is a drag, but I can function through most of it.
Ahh, life’s a pain but you guys and others here help to make it bearable, so thank you all again.
I hope coming off th meds is good for you-i understand how excess weight can affect your self esteem ..I have struggled in my past with it,myself. You can do it!