My point of view

I’m new here, just made an account. Anyway I’m a 22 year old guy. I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and that has been having my depression worse then ever. I’ve been depressed for my whole life. I honestly can’t think of the last time I was truly happy. I don’t think I ever have been. Life is too much right now. I don’t want to keep doing this because staying alive feels like it’s killing me. The non stop doctors apointments have ruined my sad at best social life. Never had lots of friends. Always only had two or three but they were the friends who would do anything for me. The epilepsy made me loose my job and it feels my sanity too. I just don’t see a point in going on. I watch people on the street who appear happy and all I want to know is why they try to fake it so hard? I don’t see a meaning for me. I have no idea what I’m good at and nothing brings me joy. My therapist hasn’t helped and none of the therapists I’ve had in the last ten years have helped. I’ve spent so long trying to make this work. Trying to be happy and ok with myself but it’s just not doing it. I always have thought if i get this or that life would be better but it hasn’t. I was sitting down eating a bit (which is hard cause I’m never hungry anymore) and all I could think of was how much I have fucked up in my life ya know? I can point out so many things I’ve done wrong but very few that I’ve done right. I just feel this roller coaster is too much. And then there is the girl issue. I like this girl I’ve known for the last eight years. She used to like me too but I don’t know. She’s had a hard time lately and I’m there for her non stop but it doesn’t seem enough. I’m just giving up in that one. I can’t seem to hold a relationship anyway. They all end up the same way. I have major trust issues for so many reasons and every time I date a girl the list of why I hate this world grows. And that’s it. I hate the world. I hate life. I’m not happy and I don’t have a point. Nothing I enjoy anymore. I just kind of go through life and watch it pass me by. Watching people be successful and live a happy life and I want to be like them but I don’t see that as in the cards for me. Suicide has been crossing my mind a lot lately and I guess I’m just wondering if any of you have been here with these feelings of no future no happiness and just worthless. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated