I tried hanging myself the other day. I wanted everything to be over. I was tired of suffering the way I was. It goes so beyond depression, too. I suffer from schizophrenia, which is like the worst thing ever. I also suffer from Sickle Cell Anemia. So in addition to seeing and hearing things, I have intense pain all over my body. I can hardly get out of bed some days. I hate myself. I feel like I’m hiding behind all of it, wanting people to feel sorry for me.
The belt I used to hang myself broke as I began to lose consciousness. So I cried my eyes out for an hour or so, feeling ultra pathetic. I don’t know why I’m posting this here. I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t know what I’m looking for.
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I’d say you’re looking for someone to talk to. What’s led to all this?
I had been watching documentaries about suicide that night. It all seemed so easy from the stories that were told, so I decided to give it a try. As I began losing consciousness, I felt so happy knowing that everything I’ve been suffering with for all these years could finally be over. But then the belt snapped. Honestly, I just want to die. Knowing that I came so close to dying makes me think that I could get even closer if I try again.
Yeah, I know the feeling. My last attempt was like that. When I realized I was still alive, I felt even worse that I did before. What happened earlier in your life to lead you to suicide?
Well, everything in my life was tolerable till I was about 10. That was when I began dealing with rape, which happened repeatedly until I was 12. My first attempt was when I was 11, when I had tried slitting my wrists and climbing into a tub of warm salty water. It almost worked, but I had left the door unlocked, and I was found and brought to the hospital where I was barely ‘saved’. I never quite recovered from the rape and was diagnosed with PTSD. I feel so dirty all the time, so ashamed of myself on top of everything else. So I would have to say being raped so much is what made me feel that I would be better off dead, where I could be at peace.
I’m sorry you weren’t able to carry out the act. I hope that whatever you do next – be it try again or try to live – is more successful. It may not be what you’re looking for but you have my respect.
God, that makes me so angry. Not your suicide attempt, that just saddens me, but the fact that not only do you have to deal with Schizophrenia and sickle cell, but you’ve been a constant victim of rape. I honestly hope that things get better in your life. If they don’t, then I hope you find peace in whatever you pursue.