I posted here in May that I had a plan but couldn’t find a way to make everything happen, and it was frustrating beyond words. Shortly after that my on again/off again partner came back into my life and while the constant feeling of not wanting to be here was still there, it was dialed down a bit. He told me a few weeks ago that he is moving to another state to reunite with his wife (he’s been separated for two years), so things got dialed right back up. I got lucky, though, and found a doable plan that has little chance of failing and the opportunity to carry it out fell into my lap.
There is anywhere else that I can say how excited I am for Wednesday night to get here. My first attempt was at 9 years old, so I have had 24 long years of waiting to just have some peace and relief from being in pain. I don’t believe in an afterlife so I know that once it’s done, it’s done and that is the most comforting thought I can imagine.
I’ve never hinted at anyone that this is even on my mind because I don’t want attention or help or more medication. Everyone thinks I’m super together and cheerful. I can’t wait to just be done. It has been a very long time coming.
Just a little over 48 hours to go and then I won’t hurt anymore. So thankful I finally found a way to make the pain stop.
4 comments
Well I hope your able to get what you want….. and have it work out perfectly
You won’t hurt anymore but you won’t be you anymore either. You sound very determined, I guess there’s no sense in trying to talk you out of it, but if you do want to elaborate further on what brought you to this point there will always be someone here who is ready to listen.
There isn’t a specific thing that got me to this point, I’ve pretty much been here since I was 9 or so. I think some people just aren’t meant to be here and I’m one of them. I add literally nothing to the world – I haven’t been able to find a job for five years, everyone I date leaves me including the love of my life who left and told me that he will never, ever be with me again.
Everyone tells me that I should be thankful because I have a lot more than other people do (a roof, food, etc) but I guess I’m just an asshole because it isn’t enough. I feel empty, and have felt empty, since I was a kid and I just can’t do another 30-40 years of loneliness and pain. The biggest lie we tell each other is that it gets better and there is always something to hope for. For some people it doesn’t get better. I’m one of them.
I am very determined and I just hope that it works. I’ve done this for so long and I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
I am sorry you feel this way but I too know the pain of every breath. I hope you find peace that changes your mind and things get better. I am hoping the same for myself.