Said I wouldn’t do it

So I swore I’d never post here again, that my last post about being tired wasn’t going to lead to another. That it was a one time venting thing. So why’m I here again? Good Lord, I don’t even know. Maybe it’s because I want to off myself, but am too afraid to do it. Maybe because I’m all talk, and just desire some kinda of attention, even if its just negative attention. Perhaps its a plea for help, so people talk to me. Maybe its so I don’t feel as miserable and alone. I created Tumblr for the same reason – as an outlet to feel better, to connect with people and feel more… human. I dunno.

Things are shit lately, and I’m pretty depressed. Everything is just… going downhill. I dunno if I want to go on t Nationals to perform my public speaking stuff, because that might mean missing a good bit of classes in November. Also, National Session is asking for Communication internship people, and I do want to do that. But that’d mean going for nine days, and then travel for a day or so to and from, as well. (I’m in NY and Nationals is in Ohio this year) So that’d mean missing like, almost 2 weeks of classes, and then that means I don’t get to miss any classes the rest of the semester, even if I’m sick, ’cause I’ll have missed way too many. And even if I COULD get an excusable reason to miss classes and still get to miss later on for illnesses, there’s the whole classwork shit, and tests, and stuff. I’ll fall behind, and I’ll die in terms of being drowned in work, and I already procrastinate to no fucking end.

Then there’s my family in general being bitchy and existing. My dad has the early onset of Alzhemier’s (sp?) and is incredibly fucking annoying most times. I know it’s not his fault, but good grief! He uses sarcasm and jokes as his go to when he forgets something or doesn’t know what’s going on. I give it a year and he won’t even know my name anymore.

Then there’s mom – she has a tumor on her brain, and it’s causing her leg to jerk in seizure like spasms. Plus she has insomnia and a whole bunch of other stuff I’m not even sure about, so I’m not gonna go into detail about it. But, like, I think my parents made an agreement before I was born to make me as wholly miserable as possible, hoping to end me before I’ve even started. Personally, I think they’ve succeeded. But, y’know, whatever. They have never cared about me, why would they start now? People always tell me my parents should be my best friends, my confidants, my go to people. Hah! Fucking hell. They’re the ones tearing me down, making me reconsider my own existence, the core of my unhappiness. I hate existing because of the things they’ve said to me.

I’d write more, but I’m just feeling so damn empty now. Will post more later, I guess. Thanks for reading my venting…..