As I write this, I’m sitting in bed with a loaded 9mm and capt Morgan white rum.
For the life of me I don’t get why I can’t do it, all my life all I’ve whined about and cursed god to do was take my life, yet presented with the opportunity I can’t do it… This is NOT a plead for help nor is it having second thoughts, my life has been shitty since birth! The usual… Father issues, my whole family gives me the cold shoulder.hell, one of my aunts thought it would be a good idea to tell me how my mother was raped when she was my age..I feel alone.. Imagine standing in the middle of the mall alone on Black Friday, that’s the type of loneliness noone seems to understand. I don’t see life getting any better.. I can always get away from my family, fall off the face of the earth and start over but that still won’t make me happy (not to mention unrealistic).
The way I see it, is what’s the fucking point of living paycheck to paycheck from a job I fucking hate to go home to family who make me less comfortable than strangers, smoke pot, pass out and do the shit all over again, life has no meaning and until I find out what this shits all about(if anything at all),I will be forever depressed and ready to die
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You say loneliness has you where you are now, but is that it or is their more?
Much more lol fuck people, generally I can deal with being a lonewolf, but I figured why go into details.. The point is I’m prepared to end it but to afraid to actually go through with it
Did you just create a profile here?
Yeah man! But if I’m being honest what gets me down the most is something about me i know, no amount of weed or xanax will change is how I compare myself to others, fucking subconsciously I get depressed not even realizing why I’m depressed!.. If a dude Ik is dating a girl I think is attractive I get depressed, I don’t even want the girl
But I’m depressed Ik I’m too much of a weirdo to have that, (cause really who wants to be with someone you’re not sure will be alive 2 years from now) or if someone Ik like gets a new house or a car,I’m happy for them of course not jelous at all but I’m depressed my piers are moving up and my life seems to stay the same revolving around the same shit and wanting to die, leave earth, or start over whatever comes after this! It’s got me to a point that I’m obsessed with suicide, somedays I’m sitting at working thinking alright this is the night I find my peace and finally rent a motel room, use this fucking gun and leave a note apologizing to the hispanic maid that finds my body!
Hmmm… Do you think if maybe you do find someone who you can genuinely talk to, face to face that is, you wouldn’t feel so depressed/suicidal?
I honestly can’t think of one person I could say this stuff too, thank goodness for SP! I’m just the dude with the smile on his face always laughing my parents would say I’m possessed my brothers wouldn’t understand, everyone else would probably try and call the suicide hotline on my behalf
One more question, if you really weren’t looking for any help, why did you create a profile here and make a post? In my opinion, it sounds like you do see a future other than pulling that trigger. We’ve been talking now for 55 minutes, do you still want to pull that trigger?
Not a moment passes through out the day except when my with my girlfriend that I don’t think about killing myself, plus not to sound weird but I’m apart of the new generation! My suicide note would probably be blogged not written
Plus don’t try to get her involved, we aren’t that serious she’d move on
I know how you feel sort of. I’m all ears if you need someone to talk too