The night before last I let my anchor go – the only person who held me somewhat together. He broke up with me last year after a few years of long distance dating but we remained close friends up until now. He has a new girlfriend and it was clear he was drifting further away from our friendship no matter how much he denied it. I don’t blame him. He was broken like me when I met him, not suicidal that I know of but certainly depressed, and over the years he has gotten better and I have not.
It was probably horrible of me but I told him it would be easier to kill myself without him. I’ve wanted to forever. I first attempted (admittedly a bit half-heartedly) in middle school by jumping off my roof. I didn’t even break a bone but I did hurt my back and have had horrible pain off and on since. In high school I spent a few nights in psychiatric care in the the hospital, they deemed me not a threat to myself. There were a few more attempts but something always went wrong. I guess they were right, I haven’t really been a threat thus far.
So I was pretty committed yesterday, I didn’t care how, I was going to find a way out of this life until I got an email from my brother. He’s proposing to his girlfriend on thursday and has a big scavenger hunt planned with friends and family stationed at each location to greet his girlfriend and help point her in the right direction. I can’t ruin that for him. He, like my ex, has had a good deal of his own depression and has finally found someone that makes him happy and is fully willing to put up with his crap.
For that reason alone I will wait.
Maybe I am kidding myself. Maybe I will always find a reason to wait because there’s some shred of hope inside me. Maybe I just need a friend that doesn’t treat me like a pariah for feeling like I do. Someone that doesn’t get annoyed with me when I’m not as happy as they are and ignores me until I pretend to be better.
For now I’ve got 2 weeks…
14 comments
That’s very kind and brave of you Mute, I applaud you literally.
I’m in a similar situation myself. I almost went for it a couple of weeks ago, but the thought of leaving behind my paralytic dad got the better of me. Life’s still shit, yep, but I don’t want to escape the responsibility of looking after him when he needs me. Hence, I don’t think you’re kidding yourself if you say you’re doing this for your brother. Family is family after all, we never want them in trouble or ruin their happy moments because of ourselves.
I’m sorry to know about you letting go of your anchor. I lost mine last month (passed away), and really lost the will to live whatsoever. I get what you’re going through. Sharing with SPians and making friends here is what helped me (Fucked up people understand each other so well), since I had nobody else to reach out to. Maybe you do? It’d help so much. If not, we’re always here if you want to talk or need friends. We have a skype group where we interact, give me a shout if you’d like to be added there.
Keep writing, that should help make you feel better. Stay strong!
Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear about your loss and your paralytic father – though at least he is giving you purpose.
I have never really seen family itself as that important necessarily. I judge everyone on an individual basis. I love my mother and my brother, maybe my sister but my father and everyone else can go to hell. (Reasoning for another day perhaps)
I will think about the skype thing. I would like to read more here on the site first to get to know people.
Very considerate of you…unselfish. Im sorry you lost your only true confidante.Its scary.And its so easy to shut it all in-lock it up…though keeping the feelings and fears and sadness and outrage of our condition will poison us…itll kill us. It must be let out into the light.SP is a great place,and safe, to release th poison….I have got through some moments of despair-just last night,for instance-due to the other people who dwell here…they are such good people..im so glad i found SP. Its not your time yet,obviously. Theres other things to do still…again :very good of you to wait..there may be more reasons that aren’t yet apparent ..who knows..
It’s odd how letting out the poison is good yet it always seems to cause me more trouble. I sincerely hope that SP will do me more good.
Thank you for your support.
If you ever want to chat privately with an understanding person
jrock7766@hushmail.com
I hope all goes well for you
You re so kind and strong for doing that. Read about you having a distant relationship that helped keep you going. Well i had mine too, and she was just so sweet, but i was so scared of it being true, that i became paranoid. She still remained ever so nice. We both worked hard for her to get a college placement in my state but she couldn’t. I nearly died that year when i heard she was going to a private university. I knew i had lost her. We ddnt really break up, we just slipped away from each other. But she still remained ever the sweetest friend when we get to chat. I really missed her. She was everything a boyfriend would ask for. Oh! My goodness don’t let me talk about when i met her for the first time after one year of blind dating. We probably would have become siamese twins that night. Oh! Well she is gone (1 year ago) and although most of my post here at that tome reflects my pain. I don’t really think about it anymore and i guess i do be more suicidal if my terrier dies than because of her.
I love my dogs more than I love most people too. One of my greyhounds just got attacked by a pittbull tonight. I wrapped her wound up as best I could and we’ll take her to the vet in the morning.
I hope that if I kill myself my mother won’t return them to the greyhound rescue and will move down to south carolina like she’s been saying she wants to do, to a house with a big yard for them to run in.
I kind of did that a little with a close friend of mine. It wasn’t intentional but after I admitted I had feelings for her, things have never been the same. We talked everyday before that and I could tell her anything. Now talking is infrequent and, other than one time, generally brief and awkward. Initially she even pushed me away, but after some thought, she decided she had been harsh in her reaction. It is more of just checking in on me every 4-5 days now.
Thankfully I had developed a friendship with someone on SP too. Without such a friend, I’d definitely have tried to kill myself again by now.
Wonderful that she cares enough to check in on you.
I hope I can find a friend here too.
I read post like these everyday to feel a sense of solidarity helps me see that I’m not alone
Two weeks to live or two weeks to not die? Looks at it like this. You have at the very least two weeks. So make the most of them. Enjoy yourself, live life. So what you wanted to do. And if at the very end of those two weeks you still want to end your life, take another two weeks because the first two were obviously spent badly.
XD
Thank you for making me laugh. I most certainly needed it.
I can’t say there’s much I want to do that could be accomplished in the next two weeks and with my minimal funds.
Perhaps some mild revenge (or as I like to call it, manual karma) … or just a froyo. I feel like I need some froyo.
Hey, no problem. And if you want someone to talk to, my email is misbahq93@gmail.com.
No problem. And if you ever want someone to talk to, I’m here.