Tell me, what’s so great about being at college, this fucking college life? It’s suppose to be the best time of your life and since I’ve been here, this has been the worst 2 weeks probably in my life. Before I left to come here, do I dare say I was happy? I think that’s what happiness was, being surrounded by people who love you, don’t make you question their intentions and people who are around you just for the sake of enjoying your company. We didn’t really do much, we constantly just sat around smoking weed and talking, enjoying being with one another, but I’ve never felt so okay in my entire life. I remember sitting there, thinking it was so stupid I was ever suicidal, feeling so lost, because this right here is so great. It feels like I felt that way an eon ago, has it only been 2 mere weeks since I’ve gotten to this hell hole? College. College is only fun if you enjoy getting drunk every second and fucking everything that moves. What if that’s not what we want to do? The select few of us, are we doomed to be locked in our rooms every Saturday night, just because we don’t want to drink and fuck? It’s useless to try and make friends; all the girls want to befriend guys to flirt with and all the guys want to befriend you to fuck. “Girls: If you don’t put out, don’t go out” “Don’t be so naive, no one want to hang out with you to enjoy your company” Is that all there is to this generation, the hook up generation, do we even know how to have a real relationship anymore? Before I hang out with a guy, I need to straight up tell them, “no, I don’t sleep around, if you don’t want to hang out it’s okay, but I will not be your bootycall”, because I’m not going to explain the fact I have no sex drive, the panic attacks it’s given me, and just the fact of how much I hate being touched. The guys still hang out with me, and almost always try and kiss me, touch me anyway. What part of know don’t you understand? And why in the world do I apologize every single god damn time, “No I’m sorry, I’m just phobic of being touched. It’s really not you, I don’t think I’m too good for you, I just don’t want that.” And how come they never hang out with me again? Are we really incapable of simply being friends, enjoying one’s company? Now there’s the aspect of the school work, maybe it’s just me who can’t handle it. It’s endless, you finish one thing, you have to start on the next, no time to even fucking sit down and review what you’ve learned, try and get familiar with the terms. I’m deteriorating day by day, I’ve been sitting here for 4 straight days doing homework nonstop, barely having a break to eat or work out. (You MUST have time to work out, you don’t DARE get fat or you’ll never have a chance at having friends). Even sitting here, writing this is risky, because on Monday things are still due, time moves forward, never gives you a break. I sacrifice my sleep time, becoming an insomniac again, because the time I’m suppose to sleep is the only time I get to myself, to listen to music, just sit and do nothing for a few hours. Waking up in the morning after a broken sleep, I lay in bed for hours afterwards avoiding the day, something I haven’t done in years; the inability to get up and a sleep leaving you so very exhausted (what’s it like to feel rested?) I’m declining back into a place I once was, one I never would have wished on my worst enemy, and one I thought I’d never have to see again. Never in my life have I ever reached out to get help, it’s always been forced (hey you’re cutting again, you must see a therapist). For the first time ever, I have reached out, gotten an intake assessment at the counseling center, my anxiety is crippling me. All they told me was they can’t help me, I must see a psychiatrist, get my moods assessed, get on some medications. I can’t get an appointment until mid November. Over 2 months. 59 days from today. 59 days and approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes since I wrote that very sentence. I’m spiraling downwards, being overtaken by episodes I haven’t had in years, the ones that dissociated me so hard that the only way to come back down to mother Earth was to slit my wrists until I could feel something, anything. The shakiness starts again, the depressive mindset, the super manic one when I become so elevated, so crazy, go off on everyone, the one where I’m going to kill myself in; the black outs, the fact I can’t stomach much food anymore (my eating is getting bad again), the fact I am so insanely sore but I can’t bring myself to skip the gym so it’s my own form of self mutilation (I’m going to end up hurting myself doing it). So, is this really the greatest time of your life?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
19 comments
Dead your hot guys will hit so be honest about you tell them to do one (fuck off) or hang out girls could hate you to or be jealous be yourself be ok
And I bet you make good friends collage not so bad
Be yourself be ok dead and have fun too
Sounds like my time in college.
Everyone seemed so immature and all they wanted was to get piss drunk and hook up. Such drama!
And this was over 20 years ago. Things aren’t going to change, but you can change your perspective. I joined Crew and photography. I found like-minded people there. Maybe you can find some things that interest you and see if you meet more down-to-earth people.
Ok, you have a real problem here, and I’m going to tell you two things right off the bat before I get into my advice for you: #1 – The problem is not college, it’s you. But it’s also not your fault. You CLEARLY have some severe issues that will not allow you to function in a college environment in any kind of a healthy or constructive manner, and these issues need to be seriously addressed before you can attempt college and reasonably expect to be successful. #2 – Get out. Now. You’ve only been there two weeks, so you should be able to withdraw without any academic or financial penalties, and you really need to take advantage of that before the time-limit runs out on that grace period.
Now, onto the meat of the observations and advice… college is NOT anywhere near as punishing as you describe, at least not in the first two weeks of your Freshman year. This early in the game, college is an utter cakewalk compared to what you’ll be facing once you become an upperclassman. After reading your entire post, it’s clear to me that you have some legitimate and severe mental issues that are inhibiting you from adapting to the work load. Yes, college IS more demanding than high school in terms of the volume of work that they expect, but your entire Freshmen year is basically going to be taking high school all over again to prep you for more demanding academic standards. Besides getting you ready to perform in your chosen career field at a professional level, part of the point of the massive work load of college is just to see if you can even handle the demands of completing assignments on time, showing up to class on time, handling the rigors of studying to pass exams, and doing what’s expected of you by your superiors. It’s a basic requirement of employers in professional careers. College is just to get you ready for what you should expect in the professional working world (as opposed to an unskilled 9 to 5 job situation). If you can’t cope with that kind of workload, then you have to come to terms with the fact that college is not for you, at least right now.
College is also not supposed to be the non-stop party that people stereotypically think is is. Yes, for most kids right out of high school this will be their first taste of real independence and freedom away from the controlled environment of their parents homes. Yes, you will be meeting other diverse young people from around the country and around the world. Yes, this is often the time to experiment doing things you never would have dreamed of doing before. But primarily, this is a time to study and work like you never have before. College is not for screwing around and getting drunk, high, and laid. That’s what Hollywood has convinced people it’s supposed to be, and many kids buy into that perception and will behave that way. But those same kids will often end up wasting their time and money and failing miserably, making their college experience a total waste. And the ones that are still behaving this way by the time they get to their junior year are pretty much doomed to failure. A lot of people are intoxicated by the unprecedented level of freedom that college affords, but they also don’t realize that it’s a double edged sword. Yes, you can get away with partying, screwing around, and basically being unproductive in college without having to worry about teachers getting on your ass and sending you to the principal’s office… but on the other hand, those people don’t realize that the flip side is they’ll let you fail, take your money, and kick you out. Kind of like how a real employer would if you don’t take your job seriously. It will be a rude awakening for most who aren’t used to people letting them fail and deal with the consequences.
Next, your social situation… I’m not going to lie to you and say that college life doesn’t involve the kind of sexual tension and pressure that you’re describing. But you have to remember that: #1 – You’re dealing with a bunch of hormone fueled just out of high school guys that have a warped perception of what college is supposed to be about, #2 – This kind of behavior and attitude is NOT universal in college, and mainly exists in the fraternity/sorority culture (both of which I recommend avoiding like the plague), and #3 – You cannot expect most people to understand your particular delicate mental state and aversion to social situations and physical contact. Unfortunately, the majority of people just won’t get it, even if you explain it to them. Can you find friends (especially male) that don’t want or expect a sexual encounter? Yes. But you have to be discriminating and aware of what kind of guys you’re dealing with, and what kind of social circles they run in. Avoid frat guys like your life depends on it. Among non-frat members, you’ll have better luck with people who take their studies seriously and aren’t part of the party scene. Also, there’s no rule that says you MUST make friends with other college kids. It doesn’t really even sound like huge social events and wild parties are your cup of tea, so why would you even WANT to make friends with the people who are into that? You don’t have to be socially isolated, but it would be in your favor to be socially discriminating.
(more edits coming)
Thank you for taking your time to comment back, I’ve already deleted this once today and for some reason reposted it because I don’t know. I know I have a lot of problems, they’ve really been coming back out since I’ve been here. I mentioned I can’t get the help I need, the counseling center put me in group therapy (I have mainly social anxiety so what good does that do me if I can’t bring myself to talk) and they don’t have psychiatrists there and the soonest appointment I can get with someone is with a male (who I wanted a female seeing i”m also phobic of men) and it’s fucking November. The things you said are valid, I can’t just drop out because I have to finish this semester. It’s just not an option with me, my family, etc. I just don’t know. Most people at this college are about partying, there’s an anonymous app called YikYak which is anonymous twitter basically and everything is fucking about sex. The “girls: put out or don’t go out” was one of those status’s that I saw on the app. I just don’t know.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, It’s encouraging that you’re taking this advice seriously, and know that I also have more advice coming to you, but I needed to take a break from typing for a moment. I’ll be back to talk to you in a bit, ok?
I read your post but hesitated to comment since I live in another country and college here isn’t really as socially open about sex and all that, but I decided I should share some thoughts with you, just in case they might help. I agree with what Frank Einstein wrote in his post, he’s given sound advice. Also, I know how it feels to be a loner, I’m not particularly fond of socializing as well. I have very few friends and even fewer close ones. I treat most people as acquaintances only. And you know what? That’s all right. You just have to know yourself and be comfortable in the knowledge that you know who you want to be friends with, that you are choosy etc. It’s your right. You have standards. And you are in college to do one thing, that is to study the heck out of your degree. I think you should focus on that objective, you know what you are there for. You are the mature one and you will not be easily swayed or affected by the mundane, petty and ultimately irrelevant issues and activities your peers are desperately engaging in. Do what you love to entertain yourself . You’ll eventually find like-minded people, just give it time. You’ve been there for just 2 weeks. Give yourself a chance. Just be careful. And you’ve always got SP, keep us updated and you’ll find support from people here. Thanks for reading this, hope I helped you even just a bit, and I hope you find the inner strength and confidence to get through college. I’m here if you’d like to talk more. Good luck.
P.S. When I witness that kind of behavior where a bunch of people just cannot get over themselves and keep on gossiping, bragging and comparing about who did the deed with who, who “put out”, who’s a virgin or slut, who’s got a small penis or whatever such nonsense, the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt (if I’m not mistaken) comes to mind: “Great minds discuss people;average minds discuss events;small minds discuss people.” Just take it easy and relax, breathe. I hope you feel at least a bit better.
Thank you for responding, soonerthecosmos. That’s why I tried getting meds at a psychiatrist. this summer I was happy, surrounded by people who loved me. I didn’t need the meds but it proved to me how important friendship is, how important it is to have a support basis. I’ve never really had that before this year and I blossomed, I really did. Then it was all taken from beneath me and I tried to find friends here but it’s just not the same, they don’t have the same kind of understanding people at home had and I never even told them anything personal, we just knew. I just know I can’t thrive when all I have is myself and my mind isn’t in a good place as is.
It’s sad and unfortunate that you were separated from your true friends who loved you. Are you still able to stay in touch with them?Have you told them the problems you’re having? I’m truly sorry that you feel that you are surrounded by shallow and immature people, and I know it is incredibly difficult to feel stuck and alone, but I urge you to give yourself time. Can you tell me more about where and when you are encountering the rude type of people? Are they your room and dormmates? What about your classmates, are they all also so bad?
You should be grateful that you aren’t like typical college kids. People who place so much importance on getting trashed and having casual sex are not anyone that you’d want to be around or be like. Just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean that it’s not stupid and gross.
And I’m sorry to say it, but it’s extremely difficult to find a quality man (and next to impossible in college) with real values who will respect you as a human being and have your best interests at heart. Having sex with “hot” women is pretty much where the majority of their priorities lie. It’s unfortunate, but it is the way most of them are. So it’s better to be fully aware of this sad fact early on before you get hurt and learn the hard way later on. Practicing avoidance and being extremely selective when it comes to getting personally involved on any level with them is truly the best way to go. 99% of them will have one motivating factor (take a wild guess what that may be lol) when it comes to them seeming to want to get to know you – and it’s not because they care and want to be your friend. It’s annoying, but you’ll encounter this stereotypical male mindset all throughout your life.
Chin up sweetheart. You sound like a great person with amazing potential. Try to focus your energy on where your passions are and don’t let the toxic culture that you are a part of drag you down.
@soonerthecosmos Yeah I’m in contact with my friends, my birthday is next week and I’m going home next weekend if I don’t get too much homework; I need to go home. I’m scared though because they’re going to see the change in me I’m almost positive. I kind of let them in on how it sucks though. And these people are everywhere, I know I haven’t met everybody but the people I meet just constantly are the same, they all want to fuck and stuff when I make it so clear that I just want to be friends. I can’t have friends here without fucking people and sex has started giving me panic attacks so I can’t do that anymore. Besides that I shouldn’t have it in the first place. My roommate is really nice but we don’t hang out outside of the room. I don’t talk to people in my dorm and in class we don’t have time to talk, I don’t know anyone in my classes either. The only way to really meet people is like joining clubs which I don’t have time for due to school work or to party so I’m constantly stuck sitting in my room.
@Resitay, I just don’t know if I can sit here and wait for the “right” people to come to me, or where I’ll meet them. I wish I was like them because maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable here.
At least, you’ll get to go see your real friends again soon. A reprieve. They may be able to give you more advice on how to deal with it. Also, you might want to inform your parents about these things, as well (I am assuming you have a good relationship with them). Anyway, I have to admit your situation is tough, and I’m sad that there seems to be no one there that you can relate to at the moment. But again, I hope you hold on a bit longer and maybe try to talk with your room mate and ask her if she knows some people in your class that are okay or maybe ask her if she could maybe eat lunch or dinner with you sometime so at least you’d have one companion while the both of you try to meet new friends. I understand if don’t want to join orgs or clubs as they take up study time and attending activities and stuff can distract you from academics but it won’t hurt to check out some and find if there’s one you’re interested in and just pray that if you join they won’t behave in the same way as the other people, but yeah that’s a bit risky because you had already joined before knowing what kind of people are that club, they may be good or bad. I am genuinely interested in your journey and hope you can find new friends so I hope you’ll update us here on SP.
Excuse the long post and excuse this postscript again, but I just now I thought about what you said being cooped up in the room. For me, that’s not so bad at all. Can you not pass the time reading books, playing games or maybe engage in a hobby you like while you’re in the room? That’s what I did when I was in college, most of the time. Either those stuff, or I watch movies on my laptop. Just to pass the time. Or do you desire to really go out with friends during your free time? If that’s what you prefer then I’m afraid you’ll really have to be patient and try to meet the kind of people you want to hang out with. Again, I wish you good luck in that and in your studies as well. Hope college will get better for you, soon.
I really do desire to go out, I holed myself up in my room and didn’t talk to anyone my entire junior year of high school after losing my friends and I read all the time, watched some TV although I’m not a fan of TV. It passes time but it didn’t create happiness. I wasn’t truly happy until my best friend forced me to come out of my room and introduced me to all her friends. Reading and whatnot is just coping, and I’ve never been more miserable in my life than I was in that time period. And I can’t ask my roommate because she’s on the softball team and has friends through that and we don’t have much in common. I’m just too shy to do it anyway. I eat nearly every single meal alone.
Oh, okay. Then, I guess a lot of patience will be needed indeed. What I’m saying is hold on a bit longer. Who knows you might have a group project in one or several of your classes and you might meet people that way? Also, it won’t hurt to exert more effort in being more approachable. If you seem more likely to talk than ignore someone then maybe a shy, kindred soul will recognize you and be less timid to talk with you. I don’t believe that everyone in campus is shallow and immature, their kind is just greater in number than the mature, deep and intelligent ones. Trust me, there is also someone out there wishing real hard to meet and befriend someone like you. You’ll just have to trust that that will happen and try your best to be open to possibilities. 🙂
No you don’t wish you were like them. They lead petty lives and are dishonorable people.
What you really want is to connect with others on a true and deep level, and you’d never be able to do that with such shallow people.
I know what you’re going through is scary and hard, but just keep hanging on. Life gets much better, and college is a far cry from the best time of your life.