…and you’re just, appalled? Disgusted?
When I take a look at me – when I really look at myself, I don’t like who I am. I think I did at one point, back in high school, when things were easier. I was popular. I was lusted after. I was loved by my peers and teachers. I had them all fooled. I had myself fooled.
You could say I have an addiction. I cannot seem to shake this feeling that I will never, ever be content.
“Whore.”
“Pathetic.”
Why do I keep treating myself like this? Will I always feel this way? I need to forgive myself, accept that no one is perfect – even though it seems that everyone around me has their shit together. I am destined to fail at life. I am afraid of the future. I’m afraid of myself.
“Cheater.”
I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to fathom how I was going to get out of this mess I made. I’m in love with two men. Completely. Fucked.
That’s when I got up, went downstairs and began searching in the kitchen. I decided on a large kitchen knife.
“You’re such a cliche.”
When I saw the small beads of blood, I was… ecstatic. So I did it again, only deeper. Then, a third time. Finally, I crossed the cuts with another diagonally. Then I cried.
For a long time, I cried. I am alone.
I’m sorry I’m such a coward. I’m sorry, everyone.
My life, every day.
3 comments
I cry too.
I wish I had a zipper, so that I could rip myself open and let my skin bag fall to the floor so my skeleton could dance.
I hate what I see in the mirror. What do we covet? What we see every day. I see thin girls with sunlight shinning between their thighs. I hate them, I starved myself to look like them. I want my bones to glint in the sun and them maybe I’ll be pure.
But I’m effed up.
Good luck, sweetie.
I also hate myself and hate being a piece of shit who only causes pain for my family. Not being born would have been better for everyone. At least you can find love and friendship. Due to being fucked in the head I just drive people away. You aren’t a coward, you’re just suffering anyone here on this site can relate.
I never look in mirrors anymore. I purposely avoid that as much as possible.