I’m so tired of living without purpose. Everything is just empty. There is no goal. No imagined future point at which things might be ok again.
I am alone. And I don’t mean physically. I mean morally. I am outside the human community. Everyone I interact with would have to reject me if they knew what I had done, and what I am.
What I have done is unacceptable by anyone, no matter how understanding or well meaning. No one can truly know me, accept me, love me. I am utterly alone. For the rest of my existence.
It is wrong for me to continue to live. And yet it is also wrong for me to end my life, to reject my family and all they have invested in me.
So I continue living this hollow life. I work my shitty job. I try to distract myself from it all with endless petty crap. But it’s not for anything. I’m just going through the motions.
There are no tears. Tears are for emotions that can be processed. But this isn’t something that can be accepted. There is no end to this, until I end.
4 comments
I have similar considerations because of completely different reasons – but we end up in the same frustrating place. If finding meaning is a goal, are you willing to change things in your life? I’m hoping I can find employment that pays enough to offset my financial problems – for me, that would at least allow me to continue.
I hope you find peace.
I don’t think finding meaning is a real goal for me. It’s something I want, but not something I can see a way to. I can’t imagine anything tangible I could change in my life that would give it purpose at this point. I feel like I’ve put myself beyond any meaningful relationships with other people. But I still crave what seems impossible, which eats away at me.
I’m sorry financial issues have bought you to this point. I wish we lived in a society that made it easier for people to support themselves, rather than making themselves sick with worry. We have more than enough resources, but lack the will. Everyone’s just left to sink or swim on their own. It feels like such a waste.
Whatever you have done that is so unacceptable…I accept you unconditionally. Period.
That’s nice of you to say. But if you knew what it was, I don’t think you could. Or should. I don’t think it’s something I can accept about myself. But I don’t think it’s something I can really change either (I certainly can’t change the past.)