I dont know when but soon, this will be my final goodbye.

I know this is going to devastate everyone that I love and that loves me and for that, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.  I honestly do love each and every one of you and I pray that this doesn’t make you love me any less or think less of me.

This is not something I am taking lightly. The worst part of this is not the fear, its not the unknown, its knowing that I am going to leave behind my pain for others to have to experience. What I do know is that every one of you are so much stronger than I will ever be and that where I was unable to push through and stand strong, all of you will stand together and be the strength I never had.

Please know that this is not a split second decision. This is not a spur of the moment thought to recent events.  This is something I have battled long before I met Bonney and Ivy. I have been in this dark place before and while there were brief moments of clarity, flashes of happiness, nothing ever pulled me out of the depths the way that Bonney and Ivy did.

From the moment I met them, it was like the sun rose over the forest, the fog was blown away and I was finally able to step back and breathe. There was finally a drive in me.  I felt like I had a reason to stand and face my demons.  I know I didn’t always win.  In fact, most of the time I lost but I had a reason to keep trying. Don’t get me wrong, Its not like I hated myself. Its not that I wasn’t happy with myself. I love myself. I know I am a good person with a lot to offer everyone around me. I just had this immense force behind me that I cant even explain and I couldn’t seem to stand up to until I met them. The thought of spending my life with them in my arms gave me hope that I would never fall again. Knowing I could come home and see the 2 most beautiful women in the world gave me the strength to push through the day.  Knowing that no matter what I was facing, that the sweetest voice in the world was only a call away made me not scared anymore.

I guess I was so happy and overjoyed to finally have someone that was there for me the way that I needed, that I forgot that I needed to be there for her the way she needed me to be. It’s a 2 way street and I got so wrapped up in the joy that she brought me and the amazing feeling inside because of them that I couldn’t see that I wasn’t giving her that same amazing gift back. I’m not making excuses and I take full responsibility for hurting her and not being there emotionally the way she always deserved but at the same time, it crosses my mind that maybe, that was my demons finding a new way to break out.

The hardest part for me is not that I have lost them. Its not that I cant kiss her or hug her or hold her hand anymore. That I cant give my little ivy bug a good night hug and kiss. That I cant wake up on Christmas morning and know that I get to do this every year for the rest of my life.  While all of that crushes me immensely and has me in tears every night, the hardest part for me is knowing that I failed them. That I was so busy taking in as much happiness for myself since I had finally found it, that I failed to make them happy.  That is something I will never be able to accept. Something I will never be able to forgive myself for.  And now, all that happiness that I was given has been replaced with pain and hurt that I never thought was possible. I have hurt before.  Breakups suck, heart break is something we all wish we never had to experience but this, this is something I wouldn’t wish on the worst people in the world.

A lot of people don’t like to wake up in the morning.  In fact, I’m sure most people have a dislike of having to get up and get ready for the day. I literally experience physical pain. My alarm goes off and I am instantly WIDE awake grabbing my phone desperate to find that I missed a call or text or email from her. Every day, the first thing I feel is heartbreak and that heartbreak manifests into a physical pain that covers every inch of my body.  The first thought I have is of the woman I want to spend my life with and my beautiful little girl who I wish I could hug and tell her I love her. To wish her a great day at school . I walk up the stairs and I can almost smell and taste the bacon cooking that she used to make sometimes for her amazing breakfast burritos and the slight smell of a cigarette that she would go out and smoke when  I was in the shower.  I get dressed and I can hear her telling me I look good today even though its just the same old cloths I always wear. It was so nice to hear that from someone who was so beautiful and always looked good.

I drive to work and hope that a semi will jack knife or that a pile up will happen and I will be right in the middle of it. At least then I wouldn’t have to see her in the passenger seat anymore. At least then, even if for a few minutes while I’m in physical agony, the pain I feel inside would be covered and I wouldn’t have to fight the tears with everything I have inside of me.  I spend every day at work focusing as best as I can but I constantly find myself holding back tears when I see the name Bonney on the screen. When  I pull up a case of a mother and daughter getting food stamps. When I hear someone on the phone confirm “yes he is my husband” or “she is my wife”.

I’m not going to lie and sugar coat anything. There is no need to. Its not like anyone can make me feel any worse about anything than I already do. I will admit that for a long time when we were together, I used to look at and “imagine” other women.  Not only did I look, but there were times I acted on these impulses as well. I never physically cheated on her but emotionally, what I did was just as painful to her and I understand that. I know this was my demons yet again trying to come out. It was not that I didn’t love her. It wasn’t that I didn’t see her as the only woman for me because when I was with her, when she was in my arms and by my side, I had eyes for no one else. It was when I was alone, when  I didn’t have my rock to lean on that the battle began and I failed miserably a lot. Everyone has demons and the way that they take over is horrible. Now, I cant even look at another woman without being disgusted with myself. Without wanting to cry that I couldn’t see before that I had the most beautiful amazing woman in the world right in front of me the whole time. Now, all I see anytime I look at another woman is how she pales in comparison to Bonney.  Don’t get me wrong, Bonney was not perfect. Not in looks nor in personality. She had her flaws. She had her dark parts like all of us do, but everyday, I see more and more how little any of that mattered. How if I had simply given her my all, we could and would have been so happy and blended so well together.

The drive home from work is usually the worst for me. I have panic attacks nearly every day. Not due to traffic, not due to stress from work. Its because every time a car passes me with a guy alone in it, the thought completely envelops my mind that he is the one she is holding now. He is the one who is getting to kiss those sweet little lips. He is the one who gets to lay down next to her, put his arm around her soft body and hold her close through the night. He is now the one who gets to get taken to another world when they make love. I’m starting to get a panic attack just writing about it right now. That someone else gets to ask my little girl how school was, sit down and help her with her homework and go run around the park laughing and enjoying life.

I get home and I try to be productive. I try to do something, anything to get my mind away from the fact that she isn’t here anymore. That dinner wont be ready in an hour. The sound of Ivy sloshing around in the bath tub calling for mommy. I haven’t been in our room in nearly 3 months. I cant even walk near the doors to ours and ivys room without falling to the floor and bursting into tears. My favorite time of the day was around 9pm. I knew that very soon, I would be laying next to her getting ready to watch House or Breaking Bad or Top Gear. It was something we did every night and even though a lot of the time we just laid there and watched the show without saying a word, it was the time that I felt so lucky to be able to just be next to the woman who has my heart.

Now, I dread night time. I know that soon,  even though I fight it as much as possible, I will have to fall asleep again and then, the nightmares come. Not nightmares of monsters and demons and aliens and falling through the air although I would trade for a scary nightmare in a heartbeat.  The nightmares of seeing her crying over things ive done. The nightmares of feeling the pain that I caused her. The nightmares of not having her hold me close when as I die. I wake up over and over nearly every night in tears, gasping for a breath, shaking and sometimes, I find myself calling out her name.  Then, before I know it,  its morning and the cycle starts all over again. Like I said before, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Nobody should have to feel this. The words on paper are just a scratch on the surface of how this feels.

I am going to counseling, have started meds, forced myself to talk to new people and try to experience new things, spent time with family but no matter what I do, no matter where I go, all I think about, all I pray for is that I could share it with her and Ivy.  I want her to be happy.  I have always wanted to best for them and I know now that is something I could never give to them. They both deserve only the best in life and therefore I have let them go as best as I can. I haven’t called or emailed or begged for her to come back. I have suffered this alone and have accepted that even though she promised me she would always be there for me, that we would be together forever, that they will both have a happier, better life without me.  I also know that I will never be able to love anyone the way that I loved them. That even though I know that I could find someone else and live a fairly happy life, that it will never be the same. That nothing will ever compare to the feelings I have for them and the joy I got from my life with them.

Please, I want you all, I beg you all not to look at this as losing me. Not to look at this as me taking the easy way out although I’m sure that is how it will be taken by most. I need you all to understand, even in the slightest way how much pain I am in. How unbearable this has become and how much I have tried to be ok and fight through this. The truth is, I simply cannot. Look at this as someone with terminal cancer or some other incurable disease. Eventually, there comes a time that you simply cannot fight anymore. That you simply have to let go. Be thankful that sometimes, a breakthrough is made or a miracle drug is found and you get a little more time with the person you love. They were my breakthrough. They were my miracle drug. Please, do not hate or despise Bonney. She gave me 6 more years here with all of you to create and share some amazing memories. She gave me true happiness. That alone is something that should make you love her the way I do even through all the problems and pain.  Without her, the chance that this would have come long ago is pretty high.

I love you all more than I can ever explain and I will always be here with all of you. When you see the wind carrying a leaf in the fall, when a star seems to shine just a little brighter at night, when the first flower seems to be blooming days ahead of the rest, know that is me nearby letting you know I miss you and expressing the feelings I have for her and Ivy and all of you.

I don’t want to say goodbye but it is time. Again, I love you all so so so much.

Ian