Inspiration, Hope and Determination

Well, I sure did put my 2.5 cents in today on many comments. I was inspired, for lack of a better word.

Whew. Apparently, a muse somewhere struck me with the writing bug this morning. Or, y’know, too much caffeine to know what to do with myself.

I will be gone for a few days. My mother’s memorial service is tomorrow, and I’m taking the rest of the weekend to remember and honor her. I’m sad she died, but I’m relieved she’s not suffering anymore. I know without a doubt she’s responsible for the events in the past two days. It’s my mother’s undying love for me, and her presence and essence which has led to this point in time. I hope she knows she saved my life. I love you Mom, and we’ll see each other again someday.

The more I open myself up, the more of my true self is exposed. I’m a thirtysomething year old geeky gaming girl, an otaku obsessed with anime, manga and damn near anything Japanese, tattooed, pierced, metalhead at heart but listens to many different genres of music, bass playing, weird, eclectic, outspoken, sarcastic, sharp tongued, take no prisoners-take no shit, blunt and painfully honest comedienne emerges. This is who I truly am behind the many layers of walls I’ve surround myself with. Those walls are my protection and prison. But, I am determined to annihilate those walls.

No longer will I be defined by my mental illnesses. No longer will I give my abusers the power to control my life. No longer will I allow the stigma to be used as a weapon against me by others. No longer will I be quiet and not take a stand for myself and what’s right and wrong. No longer will I refer to myself as a victim; I am a survivor. Finally, I will NOT let my mental illnesses get the best of me. I deserve better, and so does everyone else suffering in silence.

I dunno if it’s my mother’s influence, my own perseverance, the flying spaghetti monster, hypercaffeination, or my desire to help humanity, even though I despise most of it as a whole. There’s a reason why I was brought back to life, and I’m going to find out the answer one way or another.

I hope someone who is hurting comes across my words and feels a little comfort, inspired to fight for their life and can relate to my experiences, words of wisdom (or lack thereof) and maybe laugh at my silliness. I have a long way to go, and many hurdles to overcome. I’m not as strong as people think I am. It has nothing to do with strength; it’s survival. I’m still a very scared little girl, who is afraid to trust nor let anyone get too close because I always get hurt. In spite of this, I am a caring person, a hopeless romantic who is worthy of being loved and accepted for who I am, flaws and all. First, I have to start believing in and love myself. I have to put myself first for a change and not others. I feel for the first time in my life, I have the power to do something constructive with my life. I’m going to get better, come Hell or high water.

I believe I was supposed to find this site for a reason, and I’m thankful for the support and stories I’ve read, and the people I’ve talked to and shared my own stories with. I’m glad I found SP. I was meant to for whatever reason. In the words of Eminem, ‘Don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you…’

Until I return, keep your chins up and never eat yellow snow.