Losing one’s mind can really make you lose your mind. I lost mine, and as though it doesn’t make much sense, because I haven’t found it yet, I feel like I keep losing it.
Like I’m falling an endless hole, like I’m drowning in a bottomless sea. Just when I think it can’t get any worse my inner demons welcome me to a new and improved methods of suffering. I can’t fucking take it anymore.
I make a plan. 3AM. Overdose. Yet every night at 2:59AM I bail. I just go on dying. Oh well.
I gave up the search for my lost mind. They say when things get lost they tend to appear when you least expect it. Does it apply in madness too?
6 comments
Thanks for sharing that. I can truly understand your frustration and feeling out of control. I also keep setting “appointments” with the Reaper only to repeatedly rationalize my way around it or succumb to feelings of guilt for letting others down or the prospect of leaving an emotional and physical mess behind for someone else to deal with.
You don’t sound “mad” to me really. Dissociation or Bipolar disorders can make us feel disconnected from our conscious mind that creates a fear that the unconscious mind has taken over – and since we typically aren’t able to consistently connect with our subconscious mind unless we have learned how to, it can feel like demons have taken over. Personally, that kind of anxiety manifests itself in physical ways for me and it can be truly horrible.
Sometimes it helps me to use guided meditations or forms of self-hypnosis to connect with the subconscious mind and those might be things to consider – you can sometimes diffuse the fear of the unknown if you can make that connection. Just try and remember the reality is we have nothing to fear but fear itself and that you do have control over the situation even when it feels like you don’t.
Anyway, that all sounded good in my head – maybe I should have left it there…
-peace
You described me to a T nozmoking. I’ve been ranting on search engines talking to the government because I was told I’m a person of interest by someone and that the government is going to crucify me because I’m a psycho without reedemption. I pissed a lot of people off by my rants and when I get going it’s like I’m watching myself, I can’t stop myself for some reason.
I’m a mental wreck I’ve been for over a year, actually for around 2 years. When I got fired from a job I liked that triggered something in me. Then I got another job I really liked then lost it again and then I fell down into a dark pit. Now all kind of people are telling me I’m going away for a long time I just don’t know what to think anymore. I really don’t know what’s real or not real anymore my mind is broken. I keep expecting the worst because of who I pissed off, I expect the worst is coming too. I’m utterly spent and I’ve nearly killed myself a few times already but I backed out thinking about the pain it would cause my family. I expect my hell is only just beginning too I’m powerless against so many people’s hatred.
Thinking from a sort of pragmatic perspective, you might have less to worry about regarding retribution than you believe. If you are certain that people you’ve upset know your real identity and they have good reason to get back at you or have something to gain by muffling your voice then it may be worthy of concern. I don’t know the situation but if you just take a step back and think things through as calmly and methodically as possible, and be aware that even when they become combative or threatening people tend to be far more bark than bite because of their own
fear of potential consequences.
I am loudly outspoken in in other arenas where a reasonably intelligent child could root out my real identity and have definitely expressed thoughts, ideas and beliefs that even with our protection of free speech have drawn “risky” attention. But that is the last thing I lose any sleep over. Governments don’t go after individuals that don’t pose real and immediate threats to their people or agendas. If you have any paranoid thoughts or feelings try and think about what those against you tangibly have to gain by messing with you or what they stand to lose if they don’t. Thinking through the logic can help diffuse some of your fears.
Losing a job is horribly traumatic because it is a direct threat to your ability to survive. And for most people, their jobs are an integral part of their identity and self-worth so when we lose a job, especially when we are genuinely doing the best e can we instantly become dismal failures. If we are struggling with other issues in our lives when that happens it doesn’t take much more than a gentle breeze to blow us over the edge.
I may be overstating things but what’s important to remember is that even when others take control of your destiny like in a job situation what they think about you simply doesn’t mean shit. At that moment in time, they have expended and depleted all of the control they had over you and that means you have all of the control back that you might have given up. From that moment forward every decision, thought, effort and every bit of influence belongs to you. And I know it doesn’t feel much like it but you are then empowered to do anything and everything you need or want to do.
It sounds a bit like a gratuitous pep talk from a bonehead football coach but that is the reality. I sincerely hope you can hold on to that thought and begin to reverse some of the negative emotional energy that is weighing so heavily on you. It might feel as though the whole world is against you – but try and remember the only opinion that matters is yours.
-peace
Thank you for your kind reply, sadly at this point my life is in other peoples hands. I have no control over my life, all I can do is wait for the coming darkness. It started off as you said a minor prank and some hackers then it escalated. There is no going back now Pandora’s box has been opened. between bad luck and Outright sadism I expect my life is more or less over.
Any hope or dream I ever had gone any hope of finding love gone due to who I pissed off and how many people I will be crushed without mercy or pity. I’m expecting as I said in other posts Federal Life by the time they are done screwing me over Even though I never hurt anyone they assume I am some psychopath beyond redemption because I acted manic for awhile. I may be manic now but my situation isn’t any less hopeless. Darkness and despair is coming my way I expect my hell is only just beginning.
I do sense your despair. I’ll mention one thing someone told me some time ago when I found myself in a situation I had no control over. It is simply this – whenever you think about or are faced with someone against you repeat this to yourself as sort of a mantra –
“I was here when you got here. And I’ll be here when you are gone.”
I will be here, but I will be elsewhere too caged like an animal locked in with some real animals. They will outlive me prob. I guess no phrases can allieviate my despair and hopelessness. Human sadism is truly the most destructive force. I never expected a very happy life but to end up like it is going to end, and this all started from some sadist youtube hacker. A life destroyed simply for the fun of it, it is what it is I can’t do anything about it now.