I’m not sure where to start with this, so I’ll just pick a place and begin. Currently I don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to. I don’t want to get attached to anyone because if I do decide to go through with suicide, then it’ll just be another person I hurt.
I’m 21 and over the last five years, my life has been nothing but oppression. High school was hell. I could not fit in with anyone and was occasionally picked on because of my unnaturally high voice for a guy. I basically isolated myself from everyone since I was ashamed of my voice. Online games were how escaped from everything. At home, my family accepted me, but I kept to myself most of the time and never talked much about my day. Though it was not good, my life was at least manageable at the time. And then I graduated.
I thought college would be where I would find myself and truly begin to live. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. Because I isolated myself, I lacked the necessary social skills to bond with my roommates. They were nothing like me. They talked more fluently, had a good sense of humor, and weren’t as serious as I. At the time, I lived on campus about an hour away from home. I did everything I could to avoid my roommates. The library was where I went to after class. It was my sanctuary. I stayed there for hours sometimes until closing time, doing nothing really. The reason I did this was because I feared my roommates would reject me. I just knew they would because of how weird I was. Oh and by the way I’m gay. I hated when it came time for bed and I had to go in and see them. It was extremely awkward. My second semester, I slept outside the dorm in an uncomfortable chair. But when I could, I had my aunt take me home at night and back to college the next morning. I owe her so much.
I experienced true loneliness my first year of college. But I accepted it.
Being alone meant no one could hurt me. Being alone meant I couldn’t hurt anyone. Another thing that happened was that I lost my faith. I didn’t see the point in worshiping a god (if one even exists) that allows innocent, good people to suffer. Basically, the whole concept of religion started to make no sense to me. So I started to view life as meaningless. I couldn’t find a reason to live, and I still can’t. Sure life offers a lot of pleasing things such as food, movies, games, and music, but it doesn’t offer an ounce of meaning. Why the hell are we on this planet? How did we get here? What’s the truth?
So I had a lot of time on my hands to ponder these questions. I searched and searched for answers but only came up with more unanswerable questions. Meanwhile my grades slipped. I was just barely getting by. I told my mom and sister I wanted to end it all at the end of my third semester. I told them that I had lost my scholarship and that I wanted to take a semester off to “recover.” I did nothing but bum that semester. So after six months, I transferred to a new school and became the music major I am now– much to my parents’ displeasure. The first year as a music major was okay. I commuted to class, but still couldn’t make progress socially. I didn’t know how to interact with people, and I still don’t. I don’t like myself (I actually wish I were someone else). I hate my voice, and I’m pretty much still an outcast. I’m not ugly, I’m just tired of being me.
I’m at the point now where I just don’t care about anything. Everything’s meaningless. I’m insignificant, just like everybody else. If I died tomorrow from a heart attack (cross your fingers), the universe wouldn’t shed a tear. I might be able to deal with the meaningless of everything if I just had someone to love, but I don’t think any guy wants me like that, and I don’t have the desire to go looking for one. I mean why bother? Happiness? Happiness is just an emotion. Why do I need emotions? What do I gain from being in a relationship? No matter what, I’ll just end up losing the guy and back at square one.
Right now, the professors are asking too much of me. I don’t want to disappoint them, but I seriously don’t want to do what they’re asking of me. I don’t see the point. People tell me to go out and have fun, but I’m just not interested in anything. All I know for sure is that I’m going to die and be forgotten among the other billions of dead people. So what’s the point in living if this is our fate? Now I love my family and playing music, but I’m tired of everything and have had enough of life. Life is a sandbox, and I’ve outgrown it. I’m sick of being in my body, and I didn’t ask for life. I know I’ll miss a lot of things (food, music, games especially), but oh well. I’ll have to part with them one day, so…
I finished writing my letter. I don’t know when I’ll try to off myself. I’m real scared of death because I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I am trying to learn how to lucid dream so that I can practice…doing it, but I’m not having much success with that. Sometimes I wish someone would just come along and shoot me. I don’t want to hurt myself (or anyone for that matter), I just want out of life. I’ve outgrown it…
1 comment
Hello, Ryder. That sounds like a really tough position to be in. Though it may sound trite, I can honestly say that I TOTALLY hear you, and I know of so many people who would can identify with what you’re experiencing. I was bullied and without friends for most of my childhood and throughout high school, and then I was thrown into the big, bad world with a complete lack of social skills. Having grown up in an abusive household, I was good at picking fights or being too scared to talk to people, and then I’d be criticized for my behaviour. So, yes, I can somewhat understand the awful, isolating feeling of being so small and scared and angry.
You seem like a very bright and articulate person, so I’m sure that intellectually, you know that college is a hotbed of people who have limited life experience but a lot of insecurity, so they’ll form groups and won’t know how to welcome new people.
You listed a few things that you enjoy about life — food, music, etc. — and that’s wonderful, because you still have the capacity to enjoy things. That’s not small, that’s HUGE. Even if you’re painfully shy or awkward, I think that finding people who resonate on your wavelength will allow you to open up more, and you can share your interests with them. It’s hard to explain or believe, but when you meet people who aren’t jerks, who make the effort to be nice to YOU, you’ll find that you magically become less quiet and tongue-tied.
You don’t need to try to make people like you, because there are more than enough people in the world that you will DEFINITELY find some who have stuff in common with you — you might just be looking in the wrong places. Or not at all, by the sounds of it. Don’t isolate yourself, as tempting as it seems. It’s a cycle, you know — your fears about yourself are preventing your from making friends, which creates more fear, which makes you miserable, which makes you not want to make friends, and so on. Since you feel so desperate, perhaps it’s time to say, “Fuck it!” and meet people in whatever way makes you feel comfortable. Go further afield, away from campus. You’re smart, and you must know that it’s likely you’ll be stuck with the same kind of people if you stay in one area.
As for losing your faith, that sounds like a very difficult thing to go through. I don’t know if this helps, but I am sending healing thoughts your way. You are already good enough, you already have everything within you and you do not need to meet anyone’s expectations of who you should be or how you should act. I hope you start attracting the right kind of people who appreciate your good heart and don’t let the challenges overshadow your goodness. Take care.