Hello sweet strangers, I have been suffering from severe depression and bipolar disorder. I have not been diagnosed of it but it’s very obvious to me.
I used to be engaged about 2 months ago. My life revolved around him and he was my world like any other women who is about to get married no?
I go to college and I am not the smartest nor the best student. I have no source of income really because my scholarship helps me pay for college. My parents can’t even pay to go to the doctor and I do not want to give them more burdens than they already have.
The reason I mentioned my engagement was because after we called off the engagement all of my sanity went down hill.
I feel like a robot all the time. There is no me, no essence as to who I am. I have lost all feeling of everything. I am no longer here. I have tried to commit suicide several times, one of those times it got me to the hospital and now I have a 4000 bill I can’t pay for my life.
I am not even out of college and debt is already up my butt. I have no one to turn to. Everyone always says the same thing “find something you like, get distracted” but you know how hard that is? It’s impossible for me. I go to a school full of stuck up people and hypocrite professors.
I want to leave this earth. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. I want to end my pain but I am such a coward; I am disgusted of myself. I am a failure and I want to end my life.
I don’t have anyone; not even myself.
3 comments
Hello DaniColor, you sound exactly like me when I was in college. I too come from a very poor background and went through much the same as what you are now, except my gf died.
I know you feel lost and everything is piling up around you. But stop. I was in the same situation but here I am. Alive and well and making lots of monies!!
You are in debt yes, but so are millions of other people, believe it or not they will wait to get their money from you, and if you have nothing to take they will have to wait. So don’t worry about the bills, you can pay them when you can.
Also you need to talk about how your feeling after the engagement was called off, you need to see a councillor, your college likely provides a free counselling service, please go and see them. Talking about the feelings I had bottled up for years gave me such a release of emotion. Some times it takes crying in front of a complete stranger to let you know its all going to be ok.
Life in college can be hard, you are still a young adult and don’t know who you are yet, but that will change.
Also meditation helped me a lot, you could also try relaxation tapes and reading. Both helped to distract my mind when I was feeling very lonely.
The past is gone, it is nothing but a memory, the future is a dream and is no more real than a fairy, focus on today, and right now.
I hope you pull through DaniColor, life can be amazing, it wasn’t always for me, but it is now, keep going, keep fighting.
Peace!
Runis
Along with what Runis said I’d like to add; don’t listen to the people who tell you to “get distracted” I don’t know, it seems like getting distracted is like trying to put a band-aide on an open wound. Sometimes ya gotta march into what’s bothering you, face it head on and deal with it until it’s gone.
Just to “second” what’s already been said, someone told me a long time ago that burdens will always remain if we turn away or run from them. The only way to combat them is to go through them and emerge from them – then they will not return. I’ve always failed at that; it’s always been “easier” for me to lavish myself in distractions, self-medicate and bury myself in work. But whenever I am stopped by life and faced in the right direction my demons are steadfastly waiting for me. It is far better to face the problems head on and keep moving. Eventually they will be part of the past, not the future.
– peace