My birthday is always a difficult one for me to swallow. I’m always alone, depressed, thinking of what it would be like to be released from such a hell.
I see people my age hand in hand, laughing hanging out having a good time, enjoying life. I’m alone and in pain that has become so familiar it’s like an adopted friend I can always count on to be there. The familiar sting, burning sensation I almost swear is right under my skin as the pain wraps it’s arms around me in a loving embrace.
I had a girlfriend who recently broke it off and told me, she can’t be with someone that lives in the past and isn’t over his depression. I love her still. She was my angel that made all darkness around and inside me disappear. She brought clarity to many troubles I have struggled with. Tonight I tried to convince her we are worth fighting for, we are different but we belong together! I love you enough to fight for us! I never gave up! She wants nothing to do with me like a flip of a switch. I told her about my plans to kill my self on my birthday this Oct. She calls me ” fucking stupid!” She tells me she will not fell any guilt if I choose to do that. I asked her if she is already seeing someone else! No reply ……just me and the familiar silence, the pain…..My heart is now empty.
I feel nothing most of the time, when I feel anything it is pain or it is a brief moment of laughter or a smile. Anything positive or happy or joyful has been raped from my soul anhand-feed to those fucked that get to hold hands live life. Honestly I don’t blame the terrorists for wanting us to die!! I don’t blame other country’s for wanting us to suffer!! If I can’t settle the playing field that is my life without going to jail or prision, than I can take my own Goddamn life when I’m the one living it not anyone else!! If I can’t be loved than I don’t want to live a life with no future of normality.
My method will be opiate based in high concentrated syringe injections. Never have I done anything like that but I’m will to try if it means I will finally be at peace.
4 comments
We’re basically in the same boat man…..I hear ya. I think my ex was a little more gentle, but I feel your sentiment and can’t argue with it at all……
Is your name Erin by chance?
No, name’s not Erin, but I do feel the pain…..my ex wasn’t as recent, and the few girls I have had in the past year basically figured out I am not over her yet…… They really weren’t gonna work out….it is hard being someone with some depth in a shallow world.
When we are on such unstable footing emotionally, we tend to depend too much on others,, which just pushes them away and makes us feel even more desperate and isolated..
Try to learn to appreciate being on your own. Direct your energy towards things (hobbies, etc) that give your life some sense of fulfillment (how about exploring the inner nature of the mind/reality by turning the mind inward? That could be fruitful)
How can we expect others to make us happy when we cannot do so for ourselves? It is not just impossible, it’s terribly unfair burden to place on anyone else. The best anyone can offer is a temporary distraction, which is why it’s so appealing when we are in such a place. If we did not get the love or emotional support we should have as children, we tend to be emotionally over dependent (‘co-dependent) on others as we get older.
Forget about being happy. Focus on being at peace by just being. Try to stop identifying with what you feel by reminding yourself, as often as necessary, that you are not what you feel. That those are just temporary states we pass through. Truth is, we are never so happy or sad as we suppose. We romanticize and idealize the past when it suits us. Having a broken heart can be devastating. But much more so when we dont have the tools (a good sense of self. confidence & self-esteem). to cope. When our feelings are really visceral like that, it usually means they are rooted in deeper issues. A place we dont even recognize has anything to do with it, at the moment. This is not because of anything outside of us. I can assure you of that/ . We think, damn ,if I could just get her back, everything would be so much better. Even if you did, chances are, it would not be long before you took her for granted and felt just as empty inside.
Emotional pain is usually the psyche’s way of letting us know we have inner work to do.
A good start is to simply let go. Not of life, but of grasping. Stop struggling, stop identifying. Focus on being in the present moment only. I would practice sitting in silence for 30 mins each morning,, still the mind. Thoughts will come and go but you do not attach pr grasp any of them,, It takes some practice but you’ll be surprised by how quickly a sense of profound well-being arises from within. We do not like being needy or dependent on others to feel at peace. Passionate, kind, selfless, considerate, independent, good listeners,, others tend to be attracted to. So cultivate these qualities, while just letting go of trying to control anyone or anything else.
If you love this girl, be supportive and selfless. Think about friendship first. Let her know you understand her desire to get away from you because you haven’t really even wanted to be around yourself, of late. That you are working on yourself. Wish her the best and let her know you’re there for her. Then just give her space.
Things will get better, you’ll see. Just put your efforts in the right place. NOT depending our counting on others. Cultivating your own passions and your own sense of self. and by doing that silent meditation every day for 30 mins. Try it. You have nothing to lose.