4 days left,
and I don’t really know how to get sorted.
Or if I even should sort things.
Got notes written to those that matter, several notes actually, don’t really know which to choose. Do I use the short? the long? the one that tries to explain as much as possible, while reassuring, so feelings don’t get hurt “too” much?
Do I even use one? Should I leave nothing, or just write on the wall: “Fuck it, doesn’t matter anyway” ?
Should I clean everything up nice and tidy? Leave a mess? Just let everything be as it is, so it shows how much a mess I was? Or should I rearrange stuff in a certain way to give the right impression? Maybe rearrange everything so it gives the impression they have or want?
Be a douche and leave the lights on and the water running? Have music going on repeat?(not too loud, not making that mistake again). Heat on or off, windows open or closed.
I kind of want to buy flowers, and put them in a vase on the table, on the day or the day before, don’t know why.
Haven’t decided anything yet, thought about it all a lot, still can’t figure it out. Only thing that is sorted is the notes, but of course can’t decide which is right.
It’s the first time, I really had the opportunity to sort out everything, and give it so much thought. The other times were either spontaneous or spontaneous’ish. The planning is strangely calming, no doubt, no worries, no care, no fear, no sadness. Maybe it will come? maybe not? Still haven’t been “hit” by any emotion yet, strange, considering the usual daily surges one is used to.
Still, haven’t got a clue how to do it all proper. If there even is such a thing, or if it’s even proper to be proper about it.
Suppose it doesn’t really matter maybe. What’s going to happen will happen. Some peoples feeling might get hurt, some might not, probably won’t matter or change anything, what I use or how things are left. Kind of makes one not want to bother doing anything.
Probably gonna take out the trash.
And wipe the hard-drive and browser. Wouldn’t want anyone of them, to go all nuts on SP, just because I frequented here and stuff.
Could just imagine the outrage: “Young man kills self visiting suicide support site, surviving relatives demand action” (despite really not caring his previous 27 years of living),
the impudence…
Of course, doubt it would happen, unlikely the effort be made, would be surprising considering. But still not willing to take the chance and risk it, however slim. so definitely deleting stuff.
Just sucks the noises are getting louder and delusions more often, would have been kind of nice with some sort of relaxing last days. At least the anxiety and paranoia is more mild, since I’m not going outside at all, for a while now. But still, the noises, pain and headaches, would have been nice, to just get a breather, just a little while. Could just load up on painkillers and booze now anyway, I suppose, doesn’t really matter now. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? it kills me?
Really should write something on the wall, like: thanks for all the fish, or something. Some ramblings of a madman maybe.
Preparations to die. Don’t really know if it’s for their sake or my own. Or both, maybe. Might figure it out in time and get things sorted if so.
Still oddly calm, wonder if that will change.
4 comments
Roars, your writing is so moving. It is coming up on a year since my brothers suicide and I am trying to write a short story about his struggles……that’s how I found this site. He didn’t leave a note, but I feel he went through a very similar process to what you’ve described above. I will tell you, as someone left behind, that I struggle every day to make sense of his decision. I feel his absence every minute, as will those you intend to leave. I don’t know what to say to you that will make a difference, other than I noticed you and your writing and I hope that you find the will to keep living.
I’ve thought about the same things and have come to the opinion that if people did not really care about you in life, they won’t want to read anything from you in death. Keep it all short and simple for me. Scrawling on the walls just makes a mess for someone to clean up, which is just nasty. The same with all the rest – keep it short, to the point and neat. Something quick to get past, something quick to take care of. Just the body in a plastic bag all ready to go. (I found you can buy body bags on Amazon, believe it or not. I already have that so there will not be any “leakage”)
When my time comes I will do it in such a way as to not leave a mess for anyone. No mess at all. The place will be clean, all my crap will have been given away or sold, all the bills will be paid and there will be nothing left but my remains that should be easily processed. No messy sentiments, no messy body parts or fluids to have to clean up. No long notes that, well, no one will want to read anyhow. Just a simple “no one cared in life, and no one will care in my death. I am tired of being hated until someone wants something from me. Now you can just have it all. good bye” along side my body, my will and instructions for the disposal of the remains. I have also already gone to the funeral home and prepaid for all of the arrangements, so that is also going to be done when I decide it is time. No mess. Nothing for someone else to do since I know that when that day comes, no one will want to do anything for me, just like they never wanted to do a damned thing for me in life other than suck me dry and take anything that I was able to give them.
After all, who will read note(s) it besides some jerk of a cop, and who cares what that asshole thinks?
I will just setup my laptop to send an email to probably just the PD, at a specific time and day telling them to have the garbage collected (me). The door will be unlocked, nothing to do but pickup the trash. That laptop will be my last possession, and it will be spotlessly clean other than the email program. Everything else will be deleted/cleaned and gone so no one has to do anything for me in death, just like they were uninterested in me in life.
take a look at attractive corpse dot com.
All dressed up and nowhere to go. (Except for the mortuary).