The Unwritten Note

Dear,
Whomever is reading this, I have planned out my demise for nearly a month now, it took careful planning as well and I may add more to it, just to be sure. I cannot fail this time! I already have the items required to finally end my pain, forever. You, the reader of this final note of my existence will know, that I have not only hung myself but, have slashed my arms and drank some pills. I wanted to be sure of my demise. My reason for my untimely death is the pain that I couldn’t handle anymore.
For you see, ever since birth, I was hated and was constantly subjected to formalities of torture. I’d be beaten by my father to the point I couldn’t see straight from either the tears pouring from my eyes, or the possibly black eye’s he’d given me, but, I’d always get dragged off by my mother and locked inside my room… I’d often blindly knock at the door hoping someone would save me, hold me, tell me that everything will be okay. But, it was pure foolishness to think that I could ever be loved by my parents. And yet, they loved and adored my sister… They cared for her, cherished her, gave her whatever she wanted, whenever she requested it… and then there was me, the shadow that existed without notice. For years, I’d tried fighting tooth and nail to please my parents… I’d even driven myself into madness, trying everything I could think of, get good grades, study till I was functioning like a robot, often somewhat starve myself studying so much, trying to become perfect… trying to find a way to make them proud of me… but, it was always to no avail, nothing I’d ever done was good enough. At school I’d suffer by the bullies and teachers that hated me and seemed to like the bullies who’d constantly chase me down, call me names, and want to hurt me, and at home, my father would beat me… practically every day I’d get a daily dose of beatings from my father, tears from my eyes, and locked door slamming me in the face by my mother… added into the mix along with a broken heart. I couldn’t take it, I’d always cry myself to sleep, clinching my pillow and praying and asking god, “Why? Why do I suffer so? What have I done so wrong that I deserve all this pain? Please, tell me what I did wrong, I want to repent! but, don’t know what I’ve done wrong, please god, help me!” but, he’d never say a word to me… and I’d cry even more until passing out from exhaustion. My entire childhood was built on all of this alone, until the day my mom left, I remember that day more than any other day in my life that I can remember. It was dark out, and I was just sitting in the living room, when my mom came and said “Get your shoes on, we’re leaving.” Confused at first but, immediately remembered god’s commandment “Honor thy mother and father” I always thought it meant to obey them no matter what, so I got my shoes on and the second I stood up, WHAM! My father slams me to the ground and screams at me “DON’T YOU FU**ING MOVE!” and then he ran after my mom who’d then grabbed my sister and bolted for her jeep, I witnessed everything through the living room window, I was just shocked, terrified, and stricken with a great deal of confusion because, how can I obey both parents demands when they’re opposite… I couldn’t figure it out, so I was frozen with fear, and didn’t move. As soon as she’d put the key in the ignition and started the jeep, my dad slammed a chair right into the windshield, and she quickly drove away… What happened next, was the usual treatment, beatings without any remorse. I don’t remember how long he’d beaten me or anything for that matter, I only remember her driving away, everything else after, is a blank… I think my father returned to the house, to yell at me for hours and beat me even more than usual. I do recall him yelling at me and spitting on me, screaming that all of this was my fault… every day he’d do that though…blame me, I’d gotten so used to him blaming me, that I began to think it was my fault to begin with because, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t obey god’s commandment, and this, was punishment, he knew I’d disobey, and then I thought, all those years of pain, were because, god knew I’d screw up, and all of this is punishment for what I’d do, not for what I’ve done… and ever since that day, when I was 9, I’d thought god punishes the second he knows you’ll do something bad, and he’ll never stop!
Sadly, things got worse, and yes, there is a great deal of things I won’t be telling you, the reader of my final note because, I don’t want to hurt your heart anymore than I already have by sharing with you, the reader, moments of my life, true, I have suffered tremendously, but, know that this is the happiest moment of my life, my death. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday because, I loved dressing up. I’m sorry if you believe I’m a devil worshiper or something like that because, I like Halloween but, I’m not. You’ll probably notice that I have a bible with me in my moments of death, along with a cross around my neck. You might not like me but, I care for everyone, I want you, the finder of my body, to have my necklace, may it bring you hope in the darkest of hours of you life, as it had for me, it brought hope to me when I felt as though there was none but, for me, hope wasn’t enough. And I do hope that it will bring you closer to god, for it was his will that you’d found me. Please forgive me, and I pray god would have mercy on my damaged soul.