thinking..

hi to all
(sorry for the long post and for my bad english)

this is my very first time to post here..idk if this will also be the last
as this site states, i am planning to suicide..

i know it is stupid to suicide(people always say it)
but you know, i think it is the best way to end someone’s existence..to end mine

i don’t have any motivation anyway, i dropped school and isolated myself for the past 3 months already.
at first, i didn’t attended school because the school is shit and i got addicted to games..but then, things came up.
the stress which i left behind are now haunting me- school, org., friends, family and lovelife.

(1) i dropped school because i don’t really like my course. i got sick, tired of it. trying to appreciate it, but meh, i really don’t like it.
also, people in that college department were all fools, childish, dramatic, stupid, plain stupid  and annoying people. i just can’t stand to be with them all the time and deal with their sucking attitude. ew
people in other college dept. aren’t like them. -sigh-
what i really want is to become an hrm(hotel and restaurant management) student, but i got stucked up in ba(business administration) as to we had no choice, because we had a financial problem and we can only afford ba courses..

(2) i had this organization in our school. i was one of the three founders of it. and the establishing of our org, went successful. but then, things came up when we had to elect new officers. as the new officers seemed to own the org completely to them. they had never acknowledged us as the founders of it. in fact, they were trying to opt us out. there are many issues and shit in that org, so i decided to quit and leave the shit to them. this is what they want, right? fine

(3) friends..ah! people that’ll be part of your life, you’ll benefit from them, they benefit from you, but when shit happens, they will leave you and hate you and break you in the end. sadly, 80% of my friends were part of that shitty org. i am so tired of having friends already, and so, i isolated myself and stayed on this house for the past 3 months. but i was always on facebook. yeah, i quit socializing, but not in facebook(atleast i wouldn’t be able to meet them in person)
my so called “friends” had betrayed me, and talked bad things behind me.. “why should we still acknowledge her as a co-founder? she had done bad things anyway. she is not needed!”
some of them even created a dummy account on facebook, bashing me and stealing my photos, and spreading them and make fun of them.
they did horrible things to me to the point that i lost my trust to all of them. and i don’t want to meet them anymore. i even deactivated my facebook account because of this. and created a new one, but only accessible by people outside the school and org.
and this is the second time i was betrayed by the people i considered “friends”
i know i am a bad person, but i want someone to at least understand me..

(4) family..my unstable family. so after my parents knew about me dropping out the school, of course they got mad at me..
but they don’t completely understand me. not at all.
i have to explain all the shits before they even realize..
for me, it is a pain when the ones you’re sharing a meal and house with, don’t even understand you.

most importantly my dad,
he really did not understand me. not even a single aspect of my life.
he even wants me dead.
okay, your wish will become true..sooner or later, you’ll see..

(5) lovelife..i wouldn’t be a hypocrite here, but i can say, this is biggest part to why i want to end my life already..if it weren’t for the additional pains, maybe i can easily cope from the pain from here.

i’m with this guy for the past 8 months already. we have had face a lot of problems in our relationship, but here, still standing.
but that was just a mask. yeah, others can see us as successful couple from a far. but they didn’t knew what’s really up to here.
long before, he was so nice to me, especially to me, because i can see the differences of him being nice to others and when it comes to me.
he always helps me, goes home with me, gives me little trinkets and sometimes food.
we had the same hobby, same likes that’s why we got along easily.
“friends’ had already noticed something is between us. yeah, i also noticed that too. that he liked me.
so, those things are what made us to be in a mutual relationship- more than friends, less than lovers.
things gone fast and we’re already doing some things that a real couple usually do. and we decided to be in a relationship already. actually, i am the one who insisted.

of course, like any other relationship, it started sweet, beautifully and full of lovey dovey moments.
but as time pass by, he gotten up colder than usual. oh well, since there are some times we never talk for weeks.
because he’s busy, out of reach, or we both don’t have the means to communicate.

that made him lost his feelings for me, but i still hold up.
i was the one who insisted to continue this relationship(yeah i am always the one who’s insisting in everything)

but yeah, everyday was a struggle, he keeps on being cold, and i keep on being enthusiastic as hell.
i couldn’t leave him or couldn’t break up because sometimes he has problems, and he has nowhere to go, but to me.
and i also don’t want to be alone…

i like the fact that he trusts me more than anyone else, but yeah, we couldn’t forget the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore. and if there’s some physical romance, his feelings were all gone.

and that thing is what makes me lament over everyday.
—

piled up with the other things listed.

and because of these, i had a mental breakdown.
i can’t take it anymore, and i want to end it all up already..

but, i am THINKING…
i had this clear goal in my mind, to suicide
but there is a part of me that wants to survive, making me hesitate to do so..

i do not know now.

i already had written a suicidal note and ordered some sleeping pills…