I’m having trouble expressing how sad I am because everything I’m saying here sounds like the cynical ramblings of a naive teenager, but I’ve had increasingly obsessive thoughts about how everyone ages and dies and gets sick and I have to let some of it out or I’m going to rip my hair out.
I don’t think you truly understand this until you get to a certain age, when you realize there really is no escape from this condition for everyone you’ve ever known; everyone’s getting unceremoniously assigned a horrible fate of slow decay and suffering.
I don’t care about my own life anymore but there have been certain people I’ve met that have been such nice, sweet people, in particular a girl I had some classes with a few years ago who was so sweet, innocent and nice. It makes me sick that she will age and be struck down with diseases within the next 40 years. She might be dead from breast cancer ten years from now. She might get raped and live with PTSD for the rest of her life. I have no control over it.
It’s like we’re all thrown into this horrible game where we try and survive for as long as possible and no one’s immune, no one. Each generation gradually decays and dies off one-by-one alone. We distract ourselves with TV and the internet but our existence is so horrible and morbid I can’t deal with it anymore.
I can’t watch people I love or might potentially love go through it. Complete strangers going through this depresses me beyond belief. I want no part of this slow motion slaughter, and it wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t live in such a lonely age, but technology has insulated us all from each other, even social people. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t. Even beyond my persona problems I view this as a good enough reason to check out and go to sleep.
Too much potential pain among everyone, too much unpredictability, too much sadness. If I could kill every single person in the world or save them from aging/disease with the press of a button to end it I would. But this is the next best thing: I’d rather just turn the world off. I refuse to participate. I wish I could save each and every one of you from the pain of life. I’m sorry.
I can’t accept this horrible arrangement of decay and disease among my fellow humans. I will not participate. The only way to end these obsessive thoughts I have all day is my death. Too overwhelmed. Bye.
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This is probably too long for anyone to read, oh well.
I just remembered that this whole obsessive state of mind I’m in was kicked off by this art project I ran across a few months ago. Basically this woman started taking a picture of herself every year starting when she was 29, and the change in her appearance was extreme even within 10 years, and now she’s in her 70’s. Depressing as hell that that will happen to everyone, and how fast time goes by. Why can’t there be some stability or permanence to our physical existence? It’s totally mindfucking me how sad it is.
Anyway here’s the link if anyone’s interested (NSFW): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/14/lucy-hilmer_n_5669508.html
Everyone ages. And everyone ages differently. Some people “mature” gracefully and their needs, wants and desires adjust accordingly. Others don’t age so “gracefully”. They retain the wants, needs and desires of a younger person and then struggle with depression and anxiety over what their aging body can no longer do; simply because of age or health issues.
I think like a 21 year old but I am trapped in an aging, unhealthy body. Sure, I have the wisdom and knowledge I’ve acquired over the years but I will never be able to fly a plane again, knock down a quarter-mile in a 2000 horsepower methanol burning rail or even walk along the beach at sunset ever again. I may as well be in prison for life.
I’ve been around lots of people that repose in their recliners, sipping tea and sucking on their pipe that are satisfied with soap operas and a weekly bingo game. But fuck that shit. I still want to jump out of airplanes, explore the world with the perfect partner and lover and build cars.
But I cannot. And that makes life for me completely and totally useless. As useless as the Pope’s swollen, blue testicles.