Time to go

Well, I’ve certainly thought about suicide long enough and after 3 attempts I sure know how to cross the psychological line, to push through the barrier, to take my own life.  So why do it?  Well, here’s why…

– Abuse as a child.  Now, whilst that may kill some all on it’s own believe it or not it’s not the only reason. Just one of a long long list of abuses I’ve endured

– Cancer at age 17.  Battled that for 5 years and still carry significant issues 35 years later.  One doctor butchered me so bad that even other doctors asked “Who did that to you?”.  17 major operations (I’ve been in hospital every year for 35 years).  2 of those operations nearly killed me.  So that’s 3 near death experiences with diseases that have a high mortality rate.

– Disability and deformity.  Had them for 35 years too.  Been stared at, ridiculed etc etc.  Yet despite that I spent 15 years helping ppl with my condition including lending my story for publications etc so that others could benefit.  I cancelled all that help immediately after a seriously abusive relationship with someone who really should never had stepped foot in my home.

– After coming out I had 7 abusive relationships in a row.  Interesting they were.  All of them, without exception, I held in great esteem, did lots for, cared a lot about and ALL of whom abused me.  No meant yes.  I never had a voice at any time.  Some of it was unbelievable…me helping them and them treating me as a 2nd class citizen even though I put myself out enormously for them.  They meant a LOT to me yet that was most certainly ONE way only.  It mystifies me to this day what that is all about but it is without doubt the reason why I now have made my decision.  Along this journey I can’t believe the stuff I’ve encountered.  I protested and asserted myself but it NEVER mattered to them.  I got so used to it that I expected it and still do. I did so much for my last partner cuz I loved him dearly and I MEANT IT and SHOWED IT. According to him I even saved his life but anything no matter how small I asked for was flatly refused.  Why? Because I’m worthless, that’s why.  Now I will say that I have met some good men but they were only one night stands or brief encounters…anything longer or more substantial just led to me being mistreated and it ending in disaster…for me that is.  A partner to me just means an enemy in disguise.  I have to carry what they did TO me.  I never received an apology for truly awful things being done. That’s another mystery.  It’s been so bad for over 13 years now that even my dying mother cried at the treatment I was copping.  After abusive relations number whatever, my mum and dad came and told me that they expected I would be treated like a piece of shit.  I wish they told me at the start and I may have made the decision then to not bother.  Apart from some great brief encounters (thanks guys…I do appreciate it very much) none of it has really been worth it. And this I might say is just an executive summary of what’s happened.

I’m not concerned that my suicide will cause heartbreak in my family.  I now have severe PTSD due the death defying things that have happened to me and the actions of others…what was done TO me not what I did TO them or even what I deserved…I wanted NONE of it but that didn’t matter to them.  It is now unliveable.

I’ve helped the homeless and was also carer for my Aunty for years as she suffered strokes and cancer and finally passed away.  At the same time I looked after my father who was in intensive care, my mum who couldn’t do anything whilst dad was in hospital, my ex who was in serious financial difficulty, my partner as well but he decided to treat me like shit…I LOVED him and that was TRUE, but I do have rights!!!  Or so I thought.  I looked after my dying mum, her care, her accommodation and arranged everything for her funeral.  This is who I am.

I plan to see my late mother’s ashes be interred, my father moving into a nursing home and the sale of the marital home.  Once these things are done (my usual servitude to others) I will then end my life.  This should be before year’s end.  My decision is non negotiable.

My parting advice…respect is more important than love and be careful who you let into your life.

Good luck.