Still have hope for a better life?
Don’t want to cause pain to loved ones?
Don’t really want to be dead yet and just exploring the possibility of one’s “exit options”?
Use the thought of suicide just to self-sooth the pain?
Ambivalent about dying?
Lack of courage to commit suicide?
Procrastination on suicide?
Afraid of failing your attempt and ending up in a worse state?
Fear of death/hell/afterlife/God’s judgement?
Or something else?
I’m only here because I’m afraid of failing and ending up in a worse state… There are things far worse than death. For instance, my current life. But it would be much, much worse if I end up with brain injury and in a wheelchair drooling all over myself for the next 60 years because some evil doctor “saved” me for profit.
22 comments
Cos of my family.. giving it one last chance to survive just so they don’t have to go through the grief of losing me. But the pain is becoming too much as each day goes by so I care less and less and I know it’s inevitable.
As for fear of failure it all depends on the method.. some ways like jumping are foolproof
Jumping is instant death from level 30 but you need guts
Why am i still alive?
Fear of being in a worse state too and damaging my mom because she’s experienced lots and lots of pain and sorrow due to my other 4 brothers and my only sister and I don’t want to her hurt her by losing a son, but I hate feeling this pain and I wanna end this life
Why worry about brain injury? Isn’t that better than now? I don’t fear death nor it’s consequences of not suiciding. It’s all the same to me. I have the courage there’s no doubt about that…none.
Not if the brain injury renders me unable to make a second try. If I get paralyzed and the state says that I am mentally incompetent (because the state thinks that that all people who want to die are, by definition, insane) then they have the power to FORCE FEED ME INDEFINITELY. No fucking joke. Its legalized torture, all out in the open with the supreme court’s tacit blessing.
Honestly, im afraid of hell. Like IF the whole, heaven hell thing is real, i certainly dont want to burn. I mean….i know kife ln earth sucks and i really want to end it, but is it worth burning in hell? I have no idea…
you will burn, but not “forever”. There is a “second death”. You will cease to exist after a while.
I am here only for my mom. She is 80 and she frets and worries about everything that occurs. I am her rock. I fix her when she is broken, solve her problems, talk her down when she is wound up. I change her batteries, her light bulbs, trim her trees and bushes and fix her day-to-day problems. I am here because I promised my father that I would take care of her, and I always keep my promises. This is why I am still married to my husband. I promised.
Every day I get up and I take care of everyone else, because I promised to do so at some point. People know that I am a fixer, so they take advantage of that and shove things at me that need to be fixed. Unfortunately, I can not fix myself. Every day I wish I had no promises to keep, no problems to solve but my own. In the end, however, I know that I won’t be here for long after mom goes. I will then have nothing to live for and no one who will care if I live or die. I have no kids (no one ever wanted a fat ugly cow like me until I was too old to have kids). My husband is just a user who married me just to have a caretaker, and he will find someone else to torture as soon as I am dead. The only thing he will miss is my paycheck.
Yes, in the end, I will be alone and no one will give a crap. That will actually be a relief. No promises to keep. Finally able to solve that one last problem. Onward into the dark.
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
I suppose I still hope for a better life and there’s a certain lack of courage and a fear of failure, whether I’ll ever be able to do it, I don’t know, I keep planning but it’ll probably be a impulse event if it ever happens.
My grandfather used to have this old Colt Single-Action Army .45 revolver after he left the army. Don’t know where he got it from, but that piece ended up with a mythical status in my family. It had a very distinctive report and was once used to sever an entire power line outside his house, thus cutting the power to more than 80 households. I can imagine that it’d make quite a mess if trained to’rds a person.
~~~~~
Can I say that I’m simply riding the waves of melancholy? Because that’s what it feels like most days, as if every day that I’m still alive serves only to ridicule my inability to end it all even further. By right I should’ve died 15 years ago, and the fact that I didn’t makes me feel less inclined to give a shite about staying alive.
…something about borrowed time I s’pose.
But for me personally, the real question is what ISN’T keeping me alive. If I can find the answer to that, I’m sure I could think of someway to prolong my life that little bit longer.
“…what ISN’T keeping me alive.”
Very true. Identifying that which keeps us apart from the world is a significant realization in itself. Overcoming it is a steep cliff to scale sometimes though…
A deluded hope that one day a woman will hold me close in such a needful, loving way again, only to part and gaze into each other’s eyes for a moment to see all the meaning we cannot find in ourselves before mutually resuming the embrace in a more ardent, deeper way, knowing full well while doing so that there is a chance neither of us may be capable of letting the other go.
I read an article on the Psychology Today website in May this year about the factors that separate suicide attempters from suicide completers. The researchers found that the top factor was actually a feeling of being a burden. I don’t know how accurate their conclusions were, but it makes sense in my case. As much as I have nothing to look forward to for the rest of my life, I’m not a burden to anyone. In fact, there are a couple people who depend on me to a small degree. I suppose if I could find a way to feel like a burden (and an easily accessible shotgun), I could make the transition from attempter to completer.
Unfinished business was first, then a failed attempt. Cut myself so deep and bled so much that I’m not sure how I’m here. But I am. As far as I can tell. Trying to find a solution to my exit at the moment, and working on a deadline of early November. I refuse to be alive on the 366th day after my husbands death.
I tried bleeding out, didn’t work. I can’t get a hold of drugs, of any kind, to stop my heart or OD. I’m not sure I can jump, but if it gets close to Midnight on November 9th/10th, then I very well may have to. Contemplating exit bag, but not sure how to make it successful.
So, that’s my sitch, got like 38 days left to figure this out.
I’m going to ask you something and you can tell me to get get lost if you want. If, say somehow, you made it past the two days in November, would, not sure how to phrase it because you’ll still be in pain but would the immediacy (not sure it’s the right word) be taken out of your feelings of suicide. I don’t want you to think that I’m saying you’ll be ok after those days because I’m not and you won’t, it’s such a hard thing to do and I’m worried you’ll fail and make it worse for yourself.
I appreciate your concern, and I’ll never tell you to get lost. I’m not gonna do anything rash, believe me, when I try again, I’ll make sure I succeed. Like I said, if it comes to it, I’ll jump. I live up in the mountains right now, so there’s plenty of huge cliffs to launch off of.
I assume from what you say that there’s no way you’ll go beyond the two days in early November, others on here have had deadlines they, thankfully, never kept but with you it’s different, it’s a day that means so much. I had hoped a few weeks ago when you moved and got the job that things were going more positive and you’d struggle on, but I understand. The pictures you posted are a bit of a double edged sword for me, it shows the love you both had but it also put a face to the posts you make, it’s sad to have seen you so happy and knowing what the future holds/may hold, me being positive again, so silly I am.
I have no clue why I am still alive. I lost my will to live years ago. I almost kicked it in May of this year for reasons unknown but I survived.
I really shouldn’t have.
Right now there just isn’t an easy enough way to die that fits with my fucking cowardly disposition.
I am still alive because my drug cocktail didn’t work.
lazyness…
It has to look like an accident. A mountainbiker found dead in a mountain lake on a sunny October day looks like an accident. But i’m too lazy to cycle for 2 hours (uphill) and stand in that freezing water for an hour… Plus it takes too long, enough for hope to reappear…
If i wouldn’t have heard about ******** and exit bags this week, this would have probably been my last day – it’s probably the last day of the year hot enough to take swims in cold mountain lakes. This site saved my life LOL…