Words slice through deep

My mother is never really careful with how she says things. She’s always frank without boundaries and she never understands what’s wrong with that. She has so many hurtful words she already told me that I cannot even remember the worst of them. She has called me names, judged my whole life and according to her, I will never be anything in life.

When she’s mad, she’s mad. She doesn’t care whatever she does or say that will affect anyone. Maybe this is the reason why I’m so sensitive, because those things I never thought I would hear from anyone would come from her. She would never even say sorry or feel sorry for hurting people’s feelings. Her rule is; “I’m allowed to say anything I want, but you don’t. You don’t get to be hurt because I am your mother and you’re just my child.”

So this morning, I told her I’d stay at grandma’s, where my dad is staying now. He lives together now with my aunt and her children. She doesn’t want me there because she doesn’t like my dad’s side of the family.

This is probably the worst morning because she just told me I shouldn’t go there. I get that she’s lonely without me, but why does she always have to hurt me just so she can get what she wants? You know what she told me? She just said, “Why would you even go there? You’re just a nuisance. You don’t know it, but they’re probably thinking that their lives are so much better without you. You’re not a visitor there, you’re just annoying.”

I get it. I know I amount to nothing. I know I’m just a nuisance to people. She didn’t have to tell me that. I already know that my existence annoy people’s lives. This is the worst thing she said because I know it’s the truest of everything she already told me.

I’m so done.