I feel guilty hating my life like I do. I’m what most people would consider successful, but what I consider a complete and utter failure.
All I’ve ever wanted to be is a wife and mother, yet at almost 35, I’ve never even had a boyfriend. I’ve failed at what’s supposed to be the most natural thing of all, love. I have no one to talk to about this, because no one would understand. I think about killing myself most hours of the day, and no one I know would believe me if I told them that. I’ve become very good at faking my life, so much so, that people would consider me “happy.” But I’m not. I’m miserable. I want to be dead. I hate my life. I had the chance to die in 2012 & blew it… Many pullmonary embolisms, should be dead according to several doctors, & I manage to live through it. I regret that every day. I can’t kill myself, my family deserves the insurance $ too much, but I truly want it to be over…or I want my life to begin, but that just seems hopeless at this point. I must sound ridiculous to most of you. I’m sorry for that, but I can’t help how I feel…
25 comments
I’m going through that terrible phase and I’m only 16. They say we have a lot to live for, but amidst the dark days, I see nothing. The world is a nasty and disgusting place in which I don’t want to be a part of. I know your loneliness, and I’ve never had a girlfriend. Believing that someday I will is another cruel joke played on me by life.
I truly hope things turn around for you… You’re so young, and I’d hate for you to get to my age & still feel the same way, although my issues started right around your age.
It’s odd, bc while it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my feelings, it makes me sad to know someone else feels the same way… I can’t say enough how I hope things turn around for you & you don’t end up like me
I thought the same thing till I met the love of my life. im 22 now. for years i thought i would never date either. i didn’t like anybody i met. i had a few crushes but upon closer inspection i was disgusted by them like all the rest. i recommend looking for somebody just like you. somebody that can understand you like no other. my girlfriend is that person for me. i was instantly comfortable talking to her and had thoughts of marriage 2 weeks in. we have fought and grown but now almost 2 years later I can’t imagine a future without her. I had my suicide date set for 8 days after i met her. she messaged me on POF which i had given up on months before. she found me and saved my life and I was metaphorically fitting the noose at that point. she of course didn’t know this at the time but the love of your life is all it takes to make you pause and besides killing yourself is a lot of work. you got to go buy rope and chairs and write bla bla notes and crying is a lot of work too and make lists of who gets what. by the time you get all that shit together and find the right supplies at the hardware store the worst of it has passed and you might as well drive to work and if by the time you get home it still feels like easier than making a plan to live there’s always tomorrow and besides you only get to kill yourself once so you might as well make it good. you don’t want to be remembered as that woman that hanged herself. make it exciting. did you here about miss miller? yeah rumor has it she turned her living room into a rasberry koolaid ice rink and then leaped onto a raft filled with banana shaped dildos passed out and died from the sausages she was cooking indoors with her charcoal grill. wow sounds like she had a lot of fun in life. too bad i didn’t know her…..:) I bet she threw some great parties
I am REALLY glad for you man, treat her like a most rare gemstone in the world and she will be your guiding ray of a heartwarming light.
Think about it people.. if a life could bring those two people together, then logically.. there IS a chance for EVERY single human.
I appreciate it. I still have my bad days and honestly my life is considerably shitter than it was then. By all rights I have a lot more reasln to kill myself then then. I’m facing a class x felony charge punishable by 6-30 years in prison. I’m not doing it tho now. I want to. Suicide happens when pain exceeds coping resources. People can handle a lot of pain. Its why people say why would somebody kill themselves over something so petty. Its a very simple answer. Coping resources were exceeded. The way to save your life into increase your ability to endure life. Life is mostly shit. Coping is what gets you from one rolling tragedy to the next and let’s you enjoy the few gems in between the shit river
Have been typing without a glasses..ahem.. my comment addressed to “aishu” was actually addressed to you.
I’m not a violent person. I have no record. This guy I used to be friends with is alledging that I came over to his house kicked his door down and beat the fuck out of him with a maglight flashlight. I personally don’t remember any of the events of the day in question. Perhaps my lawyer can help jog my memory. I didn’t talk to him at all for about 3 months before this happened. His girlfriend called me 2 weeks before he alleged I did these heineus crimes. I texted her and I quote “what do you want?” Next thing I know I’m getting picked up by the cops and they were asking about me being in his town which is a 30+ min drive from my house. Told them talk to my lawyer. Then I’m sitting in jail and I get served with a restraining order where he alledging I made death threats to him and his girlfriend when this alleged event supposedly happened. I just can’t figure out why he didn’t show up to the hearing to extend this restraining order if he was so deathly afraid for his life. Maybe he’s insane. Idk all I know is his story keeps changing. Supposedly his girlfriend hit me in the head with this flashlight yet I have no head injuries. I look forward to a jury finding me not guilty and then I’ll be suing for all the costs these insane allegations have cost me. The court dropped the restraining order cause he didn’t show up to extend the emergency order but the zealous prosecuter is moving on with these criminal charges. None of this makes sense. All I remember of the day in question is walking out from my neighbor across the streets house and then being detained and arrested by police staking out my house. I think his girlfriend had the hots for me. She was always hitting on me when I was friends with him.
some interesting things to note from the emergency restraining order where that his girlfriend works at rosati’s pizza which i wasn’t supposed to go near and his home but there was no place of employment listed for him. i also believe he’s on a 3 year driving suspension. wonder what he does all day in his house to pay the rent on the 2 bedroom home he rents. I’m sure he would love to explain to the jury how he pays for rent and food with no w2 taxable income and his felony record.I would hate to think ill of my former friend. can you think of any careers at home that provide rent money that a convicted felon could do? Idk maybe he sells drugs or something? idk i’m sure he’ll have a very plausible legal explanation for how he pays his rent when my lawyer is establishing witness credibility to the jury. Idk i would imagine selling drugs is a dangerous profession tho. i’m sure he has a better explanation for how he pays his bills. I guess i’m probably just being cynical of my former friend. perhaps you can think of alternate home careers that would pay the rent from home?
Well.. your story is just another example of.. how much of that FEAR ( a fear of another human ) is still persists in many people.. sadly. Have you tried to talk to both of them honestly about what is bothering them, do they need help ? Could be that you are taking punishment for something you did before ? ..just take your time, find a quiet peaceful place.. and go through your thoughts once again.
I can say one thing for sure, if you are honestly not guilty.. then people would understand that and life will show you the signs that may help you ( just try to be sincere and kind with yourself ), I know that is not going be easy.. but eventually you will SEE the reasons behind this situation.
He could work on a computer or as phone salesman.. most of the jobs today does not require a person to do a physical work, people are just sitting there all day long and getting paid.
Lol phone sales. He’s into phone sales all right. I’m sure he sells a whole lot of green shirts. You know how people just love to put on a nice comfortable green shirt after work to relax away the stress of the day. Lmfao phone salez. U got that one right. Idk he’s a loser which is what I told him when I ended the friendship months earlier. No wonder his girlfriend had the hots for me. I think she wanted him to upgrade his life like me. Envy is a terrible thing.
Its part of my bond conditions not to have any contact with them 3rd party or otherwise. They can talk out their emotional problems with my shark lawyer in open court. I don’t have another word for either one of them. Making up bullshit to the cops? Seriously you never call the cops. You get your rights violated then everybody gets shot by those sadists. You don’t call the gestapo to sort out shit.
I always thought I’m the only one wanted to die… but after reading all the comments I feel there are lot of people like me. I hated life so badly. I Had sleeping pills once and reactions got me hospitalised. Death always runs from the person who wants it the most.
now I’m here again searching for a nice way to die…
Yes, sadly a few gems indeed.. well said, but I would like to know WHY you did this crime ? If you feel like sharing that, I would try my best to support you and be just an understanding listener.
OP, you can delete my comment above.. it was actually addressed to a person above.
I’m not a violent person. I have no record. This guy I used to be friends with is alledging that I came over to his house kicked his door down and beat the fuck out of him with a maglight flashlight. I personally don’t remember any of the events of the day in question. Perhaps my lawyer can help jog my memory. I didn’t talk to him at all for about 3 months before this happened. His girlfriend called me 2 weeks before he alleged I did these heineus crimes. I texted her and I quote “what do you want?” Next thing I know I’m getting picked up by the cops and they were asking about me being in his town which is a 30+ min drive from my house. Told them talk to my lawyer. Then I’m sitting in jail and I get served with a restraining order where he alledging I made death threats to him and his girlfriend when this alleged event supposedly happened. I just can’t figure out why he didn’t show up to the hearing to extend this restraining order if he was so deathly afraid for his life. Maybe he’s insane. Idk all I know is his story keeps changing. Supposedly his girlfriend hit me in the head with this flashlight yet I have no head injuries. I look forward to a jury finding me not guilty and then I’ll be suing for all the costs these insane allegations have cost me. The court dropped the restraining order cause he didn’t show up to extend the emergency order but the zealous prosecuter is moving on with these criminal charges. None of this makes sense. All I remember of the day in question is walking out from my neighbor across the streets house and then being detained and arrested by police staking out my house. I think his girlfriend had the hots for me. She was always hitting on me when I was friends with him.
Dear WhatsRightWithYou,
You said that you’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother. How about flipping that a bit — cast that other, old-fashioned notion aside. Start by being a mom first. Personally, I vehemently disagree with breeding (except perhaps to preserve endangered species), but I fully support RESCUE. There are sooooo many children (and pets) in need of adoption.
But, don’t just jump right into full-time motherhood. Is there a Boys & Girls club or such in your area? How about being a Big Sister to a child? Seems a win-win. You get to offload some of that love-abundance that you have to give, and a child in need gets to benefit from it. If mothering seems to suit you, apply to be a foster parent. Then go from there, as you feel comfortable.
The world does _not_ need one more human in it. But, the world sure as shit needs more humanity.
Doing that on one income is almost impossible tho…I love the idea, I’ve looked into it in the past, but I don’t feel I could do it (financially) on my own & give that child all he/she needs/deserves
Hibachi suicide seems a great way to go, imho: all nice and toasty, enjoying roasted marshmallows with a nice glass of wine…just slip away peacefully. Dildos a nice touch.
their once was a young man who fell in love with a beautiful woman. despite all warnings and protests from friends and family, they wed. the young couple tried really hard and life went along like it was supposed too, a four year old stepdaughter and one on the way. life changed. momma and baby almost didnt survive birth. something not right with baby. fast forward 26 abusive, violent, contentious, years later. the young man loves the young woman as much as he ever did. so much in fact that he divorced her. he wants her to be happy and safe in her new life. she despises him and wants him dead. hes tired and ready to accomodate. i knew this woman for thirty years. longer than i knew my own family. she once said “you dont know what love is” she may be right. i dont know. i do know that i have MY defination of love, warped as it may be. a ffriend once told me ” most love happens when you aint lookin for it”
Hi whatswrongwme, my name Alex. I’m 31 and am in a similar position to you. I’ve never had a proper relationship despite being on dates. I feel like I’m unlovable at times and that I will never find anyone or be happy. I’ve been to three weddings this year which has emphasised how lonely I feel. Whenever I hear about people saying that they don’t cope well with being single it angers me a lot because at least they can form relationships. I feel like a failure in this area of life as well so you are not alone.
It’s so hard bc very few people can actually understand what it’s like, and it seems to always get brushed off like it’s “no big deal” to have never been in a relationship. People don’t get how hurtful that response is…
I too am 35, single. Alone. I have a child. I love him dearly. I wish I could say that his existence is enough to keep me going. I suppose it is in the literal sense. If it weren’t for him I would have ended it a long time ago.
My friends tell me how lucky I am to be single. They unload their marital problems to me & tell me how good I have it. I hardly feel lucky. I hate being a single mother. I never imagined it would be this way. I shoulder all the responsibilities, emotionally, mentally, financially.
Do you think/feel, there were some special reasons why you couldn’t find love?
I’m in a similar situation (even worse) : I’m 42, never had a girlfriend.
But I’ve been always an outsider, always belonged to a minority (see my profile) ;
Also, I think, for a shy, sensitive guy it’s even more difficult to find a match…
And I wonder if even shy, sensitive girls prefer guys with thick skin.
Recently two of my colleagues at work became fathers, and I can’t help but envy them
(in spite of all the troubles with the newborns they talk about… barely any sleep etc.)
I’m giving myself like 2-3 more years before starting final preparations to catch the bus…
unless a miracle happens (not counting on this).
Fakery seems to be common. I also fake my way through life letting everyone believe I am happy. Opposite of you though, I am overly promiscuous. Take it from me, the other extreme of your situation is not preferable. Similarly though, I hope to find someone who will be able to put up with me for longer than a night. Already a mother and surviving on one student income and a part time job – so it can be done. Worth thinking about fostering or adoption then?
I can tell you WHY you are a failure, you actually have answered it yourself in your post.
You said that you have been faking your life.. WHY ? ..because you see, THAT is the very reason, if you act like you are happy, then people would think that you ARE. Try.. just TRY.. not to blame the world around you, but try to look deep down in to yourself… ask yourself sincerely.. what is bothering you.. what are you long for… how can you make a change.. what is that YOU want for yourself.. not for someone else, but you and only YOU.
For example, I am almost 30 ( it seems like people have this turning point at a different age ) and I only recently began to change myself ( before, acting coldly, indifferent and emotionless ), thus changing the world around me ( now, vice versa – acting kindly / supportive, honestly trying to understand what others try to say and simply showing my emotions ) and you know what… the people who are as sincere as you, DO notice that and they begin to feel comfortable when you are around, at the same time you can feel this heartwarming sensation.. at the moments like these, you could literally feel this genuine ( but short, like an orgasm ) human connection and that makes you forget about those irrelevant problems. I DO realize that being so open could get me hurt, ridiculed and ultimately heartbroken ( being too much of a dreamer myself, I had quite a lot of disappointments ).. but then I think – what the heck ! Life is actually REALLY short ( just think of the universal numbers ).. I feel like I am still 15 and the time has not moved forward.. honestly speaking I do not believe in time at all. So I think that I should keep my dreams alive ( which are not some dereistic fantasies, but a very real wishes, just has not been fulfilled..yet ) until this reality dream is over.
By the way, I am 29, single man, working in a forest, living in apartments ( temporarily ) in central Sweden and planning to buy a 70 m2 house in a small village this spring.. so we can chat if you are interested, I can give you my email.