It all feels like a dream right now, like I am no really living, but at the same time I see everything as clear as the day. And it scares me how much I want to end my life when one of my greatest fears is living. I don’t think any of my friends understand how much I am going through.
I want them to understand, I want them to help me, but I know that they can’t because I can even help myself out of all of this. My mom doesn’t believe me when I told her that I might be depressed, she wouldn’t even listen to me, and look what that got me. On the edge of ending it all, with too many scars on my body to count. The worst thing tho, is that I know my mom have seen my scars, but she haven’t said anything about them, at all. The only one who have said something is my little sister, but what can she do? Nothing.
I have before Googled the most painless method to ending it all, and I have had paged that gives you alternatives to self harming, bookmarked on my laptop where everyone can see them, I had a friend who actually asked what that was, while she pointed to the bookmark and I just shrugged, and I didn’t feel like talking about it, and that was one year ago, before I even did it the first time.
And as for my self? I hate it. Every single bit of what I look like, and how I act. I don’t see a point in people befriending me, because why would they do that? So they can laugh at how stupid I am when I am not around? Talk about how fat I am in what I am wearing?
People say that if your friends makes you feel like crap you shouldn’t be friends with them anymore, but that is a little hard when they are your only friends. Like who would I spend my lunch breaks with, and sit with in class? Or should I just sat alone, in my room, every day? That would only make me feel even worse.
So it would just be easier to end it all, wouldn’t it? But it is also one of the most selfish things a person can do. What if it was my sister who found me, dead in my room, or bleeding out in the bathroom? Wouldn’t she feel like she have let me down? She might think she could have done something to save me, when in reality there is nothing anyone could have done to save me. And what if it was my brother? Who don’t understand all of this, what would he do if he found my lifeless body in my room? He would think I was sleeping.
The only person I want to find me, dead, is my step dad. He will then understand what he have done with all of what he have been telling me. Everything. I will have a note in my hand that is for him. And the note will tell him how much this is his fault. How much of the stuff he has said that have effected me in how I see myself.
There will also be one for my former best friend, who also caused me to look at my self this way. I told her everything and then she just stops talking to me. I haven’t seen her in years, not talked to her in years. And feel like I can’t trust anyone because of her. She let me down, and now I have no idea who to trust.
My real dad also plays a major role in all of this, and I have no idea what to do about this. I haven’t talking to him in forever. He also let me down. He PROMISED me, he would be there on one of the biggest days of my life, but he never showed up.
Idk what to make of all of this, just thought I would tell someone.
4 comments
I understand. It must be so hard what you are foi g through. Your pretty much asking for help… its falling on deaf ears from the people that are meant to love you and show y8u are path that can lead you to happiness… iknow it all too well. As a start parents like thedenial game because that way theydont have to face the guilt of “omg my parenting was so bad she wants to kill herself”
And yep you need to tell someone about all this and you need someone to confide in but your going to have ro expect for the trust to be broken so when or if it does break you wont be let down.
Learn to befriend yourself, be gentle on yourself, find an action or an audiobook (personal development) like brian tracy, or better still christine caine sleep with ur ipod on and get inspired to lose weight exercise and feel good.
Go to a doctor tell him whats going on in brief, he should put you onto a counsellor then they will get you on medication, self sabotage and mutulation is cleqr depression and your thoughts are too.
all sounds so easy but I know its not… but you have to want it that bad or its life with pain until the end.
Dont get me wrong im on the edge atm and want to do myself in, but im an experienced campaigner.
Reading comments like this makes me feel like there is actually people out there who care about other people and not just themselves. So thank you.
Reading this makes me think of myself, like looking in a mirror. I remember feeling like this, I remember feeling betrayed and unloved by my friends and family, I remember being on the brink of just ending it all. But I am better now, I used to feel discouraged and disguisted in myself if someone were to say the slightest thing to me or even around me, it was almost like a swith would flick on and off from sane to suicide, and now I feel nothing like that, The swith is broken, the light is out, there’s no more of that now. Now I remember I loved that feeling of sadness and unworthiness, I don’t know why, but I just loved feeling like that and I would love to cry. It’s not going to be easy to get out off, it sure as hell wasn’t for me, but I know that if want it bad enough then you will be that happy little girl again. Just hang in there please. You can always talk to me, and anyone else on here who wants to help.
I really want to just be happy again, but it’s hard when you have no idea who will listen and have no money for treatment and all of that.. Seeing someone is really expensive and I have no money for it.. But Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it!